This Is When A Relationship Without Labels Doesn't Work

Relationships often suffer from too many rules.

People can get constricted by narrow definitions of what constitutes a relationship, including expectations that they must be monogamous, must be between men and women, must be marriage-oriented, must involve five days a week spent glued at the hip, must involve a certain amount of sex, and many other rules. But in reality, relationships aren't one-size-fits-all.

When people talk about labels in a relationship, they're usually referring to terms like "dating," "in a relationship," "boyfriend and girlfriend," and the like. (Here's a full guide to the most commonly used ones.) A relationship without labels is any arrangement between two people who are choosing not to adopt any such terms to describe their relationship. A relationship without labels can be exclusive or not exclusive, and it can fall anywhere between very casual and strictly sexual to totally emotionally invested and committed.

"Relationship labels are not good or bad; what works for some may not work for others," sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, tells mbg. "While labels can be helpful, they are not necessary to co-create a satisfying relationship. Sometimes the pressure to live up to a certain set of behaviors keeps people from relationship labels. Labels come with expectations, and if both parties are struggling to negotiate those expectations, forgoing or delaying the label might be the right move."

Labels may be associated with expectations that a particular couple isn’t interested in, Francis says, such that taking on those words might create unnecessary pressures. For example, the words "boyfriend and girlfriend" might carry a lot of weight and assumptions about the nature of that relationship for some people. While some people might love the implied closeness or coziness of those words, others might not really vibe with the implied emotional investment. Some women might not resonate with the "girlfriend" label because it may carry assumptions about their emotional investment in the relationship or make them feel like they need to act a certain way toward the other person.

Do not conflate these two things, says relationship therapist Shena Tubbs, MMFT, LPC, CSAT-C. People often confuse labeling a relationship with making it more serious, committed, or monogamous. But having words to describe your relationship is simply about clarity, not commitment.

"Some people may choose not to label their relationship because they're afraid of being tied down too quickly or in a place where they feel trapped," Tubbs explains to mbg. "However, one should understand that you maintain full autonomy of yourself in every relationship you're in, and you are the one who is responsible for communicating what you need, what you want, and what you don't want. So if you feel you're at a place where you cannot (or don't want) to date one person exclusively, that should be communicated to your partner so that [they] can make a decision about whether that works for them."

Yes, according to Tubbs. As far as she's concerned, the lack of clarity causes more harm than good. 

"Labels should be put on the relationship from the beginning," Tubbs tells mbg. "Are we just friends? Are we friends who do a little bit more on the side? Are we dating exclusively or non-exclusively? Are we boyfriend/girlfriend? It is so important to be clear from the beginning to avoid any heartbreak, feelings of being used or misled, and to protect the nature of the relationship as you both probably came together because you really liked each other."

Words do matter. Although Francis recognizes why some couples may not want to adopt a specific label loaded with baggage (and that forgoing the label can be the right move for some), she does say it's important for couples to be able to get on the same page about what they're doing together. "When people 'label' a relationship, essentially they are defining their connection and agreeing on how they will refer to their connection and each other. Labels are helpful heuristics (mental shortcuts) for describing or communicating about a relationship," she explains. "They give us shorthand to describe the significance of our bond and an opportunity to have constructive and clarifying relationship conversations."

Importantly, however, both therapists clarify that labels are not about putting ourselves into boxes and not a substitute for having an actual conversation about what each person wants. Francis adds, "Labeling a relationship can be unhelpful when we don't take the time to define labels clearly within a relationship or use them to pressure others into dynamics they do not want to be in (e.g., 'a good boyfriend would ______' or 'if you want to be my ______ you need to _____')."