How To Be Friends With Benefits — The Kind & Healthy Way

If you're on any dating apps right now, you've probably seen profiles that specify they're only looking for friends with benefits right now. Some people instinctually scrunch up their nose at the very idea—there's an assumption that this type of dynamic is something only flaky, detached people pursue. And to be fair, some people do use this relationship label as a way to avoid having to really care for and be responsible for their sexual partner's feelings.

A friends with benefits relationship is one where two people hang out casually and have sex without romantic feelings involved and without any long-term commitment between them. Typically, the two people genuinely enjoy spending time together but aren't interested in each other romantically. An FWB situation is also typically non-monogamous, meaning the individuals involved may also date and have sex with other people as well.

There are no set rules about what friends with benefits definitely do or don't do together. It all depends on the personal preferences of the two people involved.

The term usually implies the two people are having sex, but some friends with benefits may simply want to cuddle, make out, and share all types of physical intimacy except for sex. Some friends with benefits also go on casual dates, watch shows together, sleep over each other's places, cuddle, and other things associated with romantic relationships. Other FWBs may prefer to only meet up at night for sex. Some might want to learn about each other's lives and support each other emotionally like any other friends do, while others may prefer to keep conversation light and not go in too deep with each other.

"Any relationship experience is 'worth it' as long as it reflects what a person really wants and is a comfortable and safe space," couples' therapist Racine Henry, Ph.D., LMFT, recently told mbg. The key, she notes, is being really honest with yourself about what you want and why you're pursuing a particular kind of relationship.

A friends with benefits relationship can be a great fit for some people and not really work for others. It's great for those who are comfortable with the openness and lack of commitment involved, and with being in a relationship that's not "going anywhere." It may not be as good a fit for those who form deep emotional attachments easily, have difficulty with boundaries, or are prone to jealousy or insecurity.

What "friends with benefits" means is different to everyone, so don't assume what you're envisioning is the same as what the other person is thinking.

"The most common pitfall that leads to dissatisfaction and heartbreak in FWBs is lack of honest and clear communication between the partners regarding their expectations, agreements, and boundaries," says Zhana Vrangalova, a New York University human sexuality professor, LELO sex expert, and researcher who's done lots of studies on casual sex and nonmonogamy. "This leads to all sorts of issues—mishandling of romantic feelings and attachments, especially when one person starts to develop such feelings and the other person does not; haphazard use of safer sex strategies; misunderstandings regarding sexual exclusivity, etc."

Not only should you be totally honest about these things, but Vrangalova stresses the importance of encouraging your partner to share exactly what they want too. That's the only way to make sure you're both on the same page and that you're honoring what they want from the relationship. Yes, you should care about what your partner wants, even in an FWB situation.

"Check in periodically to make sure what's happening is still OK," Battle recommends. "Should there be more boundaries or fewer? Whether we like to admit it or not, friends with benefits is a type of relationship. You are relating to each other in specific ways, but that doesn't mean you won't have to talk through some things occasionally."

It's normal for things to change over time, Vrangalova adds. As you get into a groove, you might notice some things aren't working quite as you'd expected. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe that's not so good, but either way, communicate about it so you can adjust as necessary.

A lot of people think FWB is an easy way to get sex and have fun without actually needing to talk about the squishy stuff. Battle and Vrangalova disagree completely.

"I don't think that talking about your feelings is ever off limits in any type of relationship," Battle explains. "Emotions are going to come up, and it is better to express them as they do rather than hold on to them and have them bubble up in ways that could harm the relationship you have with this person."

Talking about your emotions is the only way to make sure neither person is getting hurt by the situation.

There are plenty of ways to draw boundaries, to ask for space, to withhold commitment, or even to break up with someone without being a jerk about it. If you notice the other person seems upset by some situation or dynamic between you, the FWB label is not an excuse to throw up your hands and say, "We're not dating, so I'm not responsible for this!" You're not dating, but you are friends ostensibly—so treat their emotions the same way you'd treat your friends' emotions if they were upset with you. Be considerate. Care about each other.

Friends with benefits can be a fun, warm, and satisfying way to connect with another person. The biggest rule to successfully pulling it off is just like with any other relationship: Be kind, be kind, be kind, and communicate.