A Full Guide On How To Masturbate & Love It, From A Sex Therapist

Masturbation is a glorious experience to get to know your own body, how it works, and how to bring yourself pleasure.

And yet, it often feels like a weird taboo—even though most people are doing it. Most people have never really learned how to do it, why it's good for us, and what a healthy masturbation practice even looks like. Instead, it's typically done in secret, coated in a thick layer of shame, and often becomes a confusing topic of conversation when we enter into romantic relationships with other people.

Today, we're leaving all the shame outside of this conversation. We don't need it. Your masturbation practice should be all about fun, pleasure, and exploration.

It's really important to get into the best headspace possible for your self-exploration and pleasure. Take some "mindset magic" time before you start touching your body. Pleasure, like climax, happens in the brain, so if our minds aren't on board with what we're doing, it can be really hard to feel in alignment with ourselves.

At the start of any masturbation session, consider setting an intention for your time. You can do this in the format of "I am..." So, if your intention is to be present with yourself and love your body, you could say, "I am present and love my body."

Sometimes, for some people, masturbation is a quick, feel-good experience with the intention of "just getting the job done." That's understandable. It can be hard enough to find time to exercise, cook dinner, and do chores—and then you're somehow also supposed to find time to masturbate for an hour with vigorous curiosity?

Try creating some ambience for yourself. Make yourself dinner, have a glass of wine (if that's your thing), watch your favorite show, or listen to some music, and then treat yourself to some self-love time. 

Look at your body naked. Really look at it.

Beyond just taking your clothes off and standing in front of the mirror, get up close and personal with yourself. Take a mirror down to your bits and really check them out. If you feel comfortable, touch your bits while looking in the mirror so you have an idea of where everything that feels good is located. This also comes in handy anytime you may have partnered sex because you know exactly what feels good and where it is. (If you have a vulva, read our guide on all the different types, here, to get to know yours better.)

We weren't taught to appreciate our bodies or even get to know them. We were taught to critique them, "fix them," and "look good" for others. This mentality not only separates us from our bodies, but it creates some deep feeling that our bodies aren't really ours. 

But guess what? Your body is yours. It is for your pleasure, your self-exploration, and your appreciation. The more we learn to love and appreciate our bodies, the easier it will become to give them adoration and attention—and to truly accept love and adoration from others.

It's exciting to get to know your body—after all, you live inside it!

Oftentimes, when we have a new partner, there is something so exciting about getting to know their body. We want to understand it and know it. We should take that same energy into discovering our own bodies. 

Use your mind to help you get in the mood and get your brain on the same ride you're taking your body on. When it comes to fantasizing, the biggest key is to release any judgment and shame. Whatever comes into your mind to turn you on, go with it. Explore it. Stop stopping yourself. It is such a gift to get curious and look into what is coming up when you allow yourself to truly fantasize.

If you've never masturbated before, you may be thinking, "Do I just lie down, rub my clit, and hope for the best?" And the answer is, in some ways yes and in some ways no. Like most things, masturbation isn't all or nothing or a binary. There isn't one "right" way to do it.

Try something different just for the sake of mixing it up with yourself! We should honestly treat our personal sex lives similarly to our partnered ones with care and attention, which will sometimes call for spicing things up, trying new things, and getting creative. Treat yourself to that same amount of care and attention!

If you're someone who usually masturbates in places of convenience (like in bed or in the shower), try masturbating somewhere new. If you live with roommates and don't feel comfortable doing so, try a new position. Sometimes it can feel silly to do this, but remember: Masturbating is sexy time with yourself! You deserve to mix it up and enjoy your personal sex life. 

Having a self-care practice is an ongoing process that we will probably be learning how to do forever, but what I've learned about self-care is that I am more consistent when I am caring for myself in a bunch of different small ways. 

You are worthy of love, attention, pleasure, and adoration from others—and especially from yourself. Contrary to what the world taught us growing up, our bodies are, in fact, extraordinary. Your body is pumping your blood as you read this and keeping you alive—there is so much going on that we can't even see! And on top of that, your body has these magical parts that feel pleasure just for your enjoyment—how amazing is that?