Advertisement
Does Your Wife Have No Desire For Sex? 9 Things You Can Do
The female sex drive is an unpredictable roller coaster. There are high highs and low lows, and you never know when one or the other is around the bend.
These sporadic twists and turns can be especially challenging in a relationship, as low libido in women can mean a dry spell for the couple.
Partners are left to wonder, if their wives are not interested in sex, what can they do to rekindle the fire?
Here, what it means if you're struggling with low libido and things you can do to bring the passion back into the bedroom.
Benefits of having regular sex
While sex isn't everything in a relationship, physical intimacy has its role and serves a purpose. Not only does it feel good and bring the couple closer together, but intimacy coach Hannah Deindorfer (aka The Libido Fairy) tells mbg that regularly having sex benefits the individuals as well as their union.
Physical, mental, and emotional benefits include improving cardiovascular health and strengthening the immune system and muscles; reduced stress and anxiety; boosted mood, self-esteem, body positivity, and connection to their power and pleasure.
Benefits for the couple may include a stronger emotional bond and deeper intimacy, better communication inside and outside the bedroom, and shared pleasure.
Why women may have a low sex drive
For the record, low libido in women is common because sexual desire is a complex emotion that is easily triggered one minute and then takes a little (or a lot of) extra work to muster the next.
According to the Cleveland Clinic, a person's sex drive is influenced by biological, psychological, and social factors, while sex hormones (estrogen and testosterone) and neurotransmitters are what regulate it. In other words, whether or not you're physically attracted to your partner is only one piece of a very convoluted puzzle.
That said, if a woman is not interested in sex in their long-term relationship, isn't having sexual fantasies, and has been clinically diagnosed with significant personal distress, according to The International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health1, they may be experiencing hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD).
HSDD affects 10% of adult females and can be treated with various therapies, including hormone therapy. If you are concerned about your low sex drive, talk to your doctor about your symptoms.
Possible reasons a woman may have low libido
- Stress/Anxiety: Stress is the root cause of many an ailment—lack of sleep, poor appetite, brain fog, and—you guessed it—low libido. According to certified sexologist and the director of education at Satisfyer Megwyn White, when you're juggling a list of responsibilities and the stress is piled high, sex can get deprioritized, quickly.
- Medication: If you've noticed a lack of interest in sex lately, White tells mbg you might want to check the side effects of your prescriptions. Some prescription medications, most notably antidepressants, can negatively impact your sex drive as these medicines, White explains, can "disrupt the brain's sexual responses and could cause a decrease or loss of libido."
- Contraception: In addition to prescription medications, White flags hormonal contraception as a possible reason why a woman may have low libido. "Depending on the contraception, some side effects can include a reduced sex drive," White warns. If you've noticed a shift since taking new birth control, it's worth consulting your doctor.
- Hormonal Imbalance: Research suggests2 that a lack of testosterone production can lead to low libido in women, as this hormone is responsible for initiating feelings of sexual arousal. Low estrogen levels are also a concern, as this hormone is responsible for stimulating vaginal lubrication. Luckily, hormone management3 is a possible treatment option, so it's worth getting a professional's opinion on whether or not this is the root cause of your low libido.
- Lack of exercise: Exercise gives you endorphins (aka happy hormones), and endorphins, it turns out, are great for your libido. A 2018 literary review of previously published studies found that both acute and chronic exercise had positive effects on women's libido4. So if you haven't been moving your body regularly, you might want to reevaluate your exercise routine.
- Menopause/perimenopause: In this case, it all boils down to hormones. White explains that when women go through menopause and perimenopause, estrogen levels tend to dip, which can lead to a lack of interest in sexual activity. “It can also cause vaginal dryness,” White notes, and the lack of lubrication can make sex painful.
- Fatigue: It’s understandable if sex sounds less than appealing when you can barely keep your eyes open. It’s also scientifically proven to be a mood killer. According to a pilot study published in the journal J Sex Med5, women who slept for long durations had a better next-day sex drive than those with shorter sleep lengths.
- Medical condition: When you’re chronically experiencing uncomfortable symptoms from a disease or medical disorder, it can be hard enough to muster the energy to do anything, let alone get busy in the bedroom.
- Lack of foreplay: If sex is the main course, foreplay is the appetizer, and we all enjoy a little indulgence. According to Deindorfer, skipping clitoris-focused activities, or focusing solely on penetration as the main event is a mistake many couples make. This can lead to an orgasm gap and make sex feel less pleasurable.
- Lack of pleasure education: Your partner isn’t a mind reader; they won’t know what makes you feel good unless a) they find out through exploration or b) you tell/show them. Being comfortable and confident enough to advocate for your pleasure or orgasm is crucial to a healthy, satisfying sex life, Deindorfer tells mbg. Lacking this skill can lead to “always having sex that's "for your partner" instead of for you,” Deindorfer warns, and can potentially lead to resentment and disconnection.
Tips for getting your sex life back on track
Talk about it
They say communication is key in a relationship. Well, that goes for all aspects of the relationship. If you're going through a lull, ask your partner what they're feeling/experiencing, and express your concerns, in a loving and supportive manner.
Encourage your partner to be a little selfish
Read that again. Deindorfer stresses that while it's wonderful to want to make your partner feel good, women need to shift the focus in sex to "what would make this feel better for me?" and be selfish in their desires too.
Seek marriage counseling
Marriage counseling/couples' therapy is a type of psychotherapy in which a couple seeks guidance from a professional to help them through different challenges, including sex lulls. You can go to an office or find an online counselor.
Seek medical treatment
If the root cause of your partner's low libido is something hormonal or a physical ailment, encouraging them to speak to their doctor and explore treatment options can be helpful.
Give your partner some space
Sometimes a couple struggles to connect intimately if they spend too much time together. For example, maybe you both work from home, so you're constantly on top of one another (and not in the way you'd like to be).
If this is the case, Deindorfer suggests you and your partner spend time apart nurturing your hobbies, spending time with friends, creating art, and doing things that bring you joy. Allow each other to miss one another and see if that rekindles the fire.
Practice stress management together
Whether this means taking a yoga class, starting a meditation practice, setting aside time for journaling, or creating something with your hands (think art projects, a cooking class, etc.), prioritizing stress relief can help both of you relieve some tension, making room for relaxation and openness to intimacy.
Have a sexploration session
Or, as Deindorfer calls it, a sex lab. "Explore one another's body as if you have no idea 'what works,' and go incredibly slow in exploration," she instructs. Find what feels good, take notes for next time, and have fun.
Connect outside of the bedroom
Sometimes a lack of physical intimacy stems from a lack of emotional intimacy. One way to bridge the gap is to engage in "self-expansion" activities, during which you learn a new skill and grow as a person and, in turn, as a couple.
White explains that the self-expansion theory "suggests that engaging in novel activities with a long-term romantic partner can reignite feelings of passion from the early stages of a relationship by helping you to witness your partner in new contexts."
Such activities include taking a cooking class, learning a new language, getting involved in a hands-on project, etc.
Start an appreciation jar
Another way White suggests couples connect outside the bedroom and make their partners feel seen and loved is to start an appreciation jar. "When your partner does something that delights and inspires you, write it down on a piece of paper, and choose an appreciation once a week," White explains of the practice.
"The more appreciation couples have between them, the more trust and love will emerge naturally."
Tease desire throughout the day
White would like to issue a PSA that foreplay isn't just for the bedroom or right before the main event. To help get your partner in the mood, White recommends igniting desire through small acts of foreplay throughout the day.
"Consider leaving a note for your partner in the morning, sending them a flirtatious text message or audio note during their lunch break, whispering into their ear about how hot they look, or planning a surprise date night to build anticipation and excitement," White instructs. "This type of playfulness can help to increase arousal and desire in both partners."
The takeaway
Low sex drive in women is normal, and most women will experience a lack of interest in sex at some point(s) in their life.
Sometimes, it's a physical issue, sometimes it's a mental health concern, and other times low libido in women is caused by sheer lack of interest.
Fortunately, there are ways to re-spark the fire, from speaking to a licensed therapist for guidance to relearning each other's wants and needs in the bedroom.
Watch Next
Enjoy some of our favorite clips from classes
Enjoy some of our favorite clips from classes
What Is Meditation?
Mindfulness/Spirituality | Light Watkins
Box Breathing
Mindfulness/Spirituality | Gwen Dittmar
What Breathwork Can Address
Mindfulness/Spirituality | Gwen Dittmar
The 8 Limbs of Yoga - What is Asana?
Yoga | Caley Alyssa
Two Standing Postures to Open Up Tight Hips
Yoga | Caley Alyssa
How Plants Can Optimize Athletic Performance
Nutrition | Rich Roll
What to Eat Before a Workout
Nutrition | Rich Roll
How Ayurveda Helps Us Navigate Modern Life
Nutrition | Sahara Rose
Messages About Love & Relationships
Love & Relationships | Esther Perel
Love Languages
Love & Relationships | Esther Perel
What Is Meditation?
Box Breathing
What Breathwork Can Address
The 8 Limbs of Yoga - What is Asana?
Two Standing Postures to Open Up Tight Hips
How Plants Can Optimize Athletic Performance
What to Eat Before a Workout
How Ayurveda Helps Us Navigate Modern Life
Messages About Love & Relationships
Love Languages
Advertisement
