Want To Spice Up Your Sex Life? Here's How, According To Experts

Long-term relationships are a beautiful part of our lives, but with the reliability and trust that comes with such intimacy, so too comes predictability. Like any aspect of a relationship, the sexual side of our relationships change with time, and what was once hot and heavy can be reduced almost to a habit or another chore to tick off the list. 

As much as we need the security of steady love, we also like to feel attractive—like we're still alluring enough to excite our partner, even after many years of companionship. More importantly, a healthy and fulfilling sex life is integral to the emotional and physical bonding between partners.

Prioritizing a fulfilling sex life is not simply about caring for different relationship aspects; Satisfying sex establishes a synchronicity between two individuals. It guards the shared trust and understanding, ensuring the longevity and resilience of the romantic bond. 

Results of a study1 published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicate that the shared moments of passion, even ones limited to cuddling, kissing, and caressing, create deep feelings of love and affection. 

"A healthy and fulfilling sex life helps create a deep emotional connection, nurtures intimacy, and builds a unique bond that is both private and profound," explains psychology expert and life coach Bayu Prihandito, adding, "Couples who maintain a satisfying sexual relationship exhibit better communication, reduced stress, and a heightened sense of overall well-being."

Research2 also shows that healthy sexual relationshipd create a safe emotional boundary for sharing desires, preferences, and concerns, leading to open and honest communication—another pillar critical for healthy relationships.

"Pleasure and orgasms release oxytocin, the 'love' hormone, which not only bonds us to our partner but also reduces stress," notes sex and relationship therapist, Leigh Norén. This biochemical process creates a positive feedback loop, enhancing trust in the relationship. 

A satisfying sex life can also create a fertile ground for healthy conflict resolution, cementing and safeguarding the shared understanding and trust between the two people.

Despite the impact that gratifying sex has on both individual wellbeing and the health of a romantic relationship, sometimes even the most loving relationships can fall into a sexual rut. 

"It's when sex becomes a routine rather than an exploration, a task rather than a joy," remarks Prihandito. And this can happen for a number of reasons—lack of privacy, work or life stress, health issues, or a temporary shift in priorities—but a sexual rut can become an indicator of more significant problems when there is an underlying emotional disconnect or unaddressed conflict between partners. 

"Sexual issues become red flags when accompanied by emotional withdrawal, lack of communication, or unresolved conflicts. Sex is often a mirror of the health of the relationship. If the reflection reveals disconnection or discontent, it's a clear sign of deeper underlying issues that need your attention," says Prihandito.

According to licensed marriage and family therapist, Veronica Cisneros LMFT, if a couple has always struggled with physical intimacy, or if there are resentment and unresolved conflicts negatively impacting the emotional connection, the bedroom problems may be symptoms of a more significant issue.

"A good way to determine this is if one or both partners are guilty of using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in times of conflict. These are what the Gottman's call the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they're Gottman's predictors of divorce," she adds. 

A 2019 study4 from The Journal of Sex Research shares that communication about sexual matters is vital to cultivating and maintaining a healthy sexual dynamic. Often, sexual issues happen because the couple is reluctant to openly express their sexual needs.

Sexual communication involves sharing sexual preferences and boundaries, desired sexual activities, and past sexual experiences. When partners are convinced they can safely talk about sex and related experiences, good or bad, with each other, it positively impacts sexual and relationship satisfaction.

"Make time to talk openly and honestly about your sexual desires, needs, and fantasies. Pay attention to any insecurities or fears you have about communicating. This open dialogue is crucial for understanding what you and your partner need to feel fulfilled in the bedroom,” Cisneros advises.

"Just like you add various spices to keep your meals exciting, you need to do the same for your sex life," says Cisneros. Forget about missionary, experiment with different sexual positions—it will break the monotony and help you escape the sexual rut. 

Certain positions can allow for deeper penetration, clitoral and prostate stimulation, and G-spot engagement, leading to heightened pleasure during sex. The more challenging positions will allow you to explore your partner's body as if for the first time. This heightened physical awareness may also lead to renewed feelings of closeness and intimacy. 

To really shake things up and add new, intriguing layers to your relationship, try BDSM. Contrary to popular belief, research shows that those who enjoy BDSM are socially well-adjusted. BDSM also has a positive impact on relationship satisfaction.

It is an exciting way for partners to explore their limits and boundaries, venture into new sensual territories, and experience a level of physical and psychological stimulation that's very different from what you get from traditional sexual activities. 

You can switch things up by having sex in a location other than the bedroom. For your next intimate encounter, consider booking a hotel room. You could also have sex in your car or in different places in your house. 

Act as if you are once again courting your partner. Rekindle the sexual spark by returning to a time in your relationship when each day was about some new, exciting discovery. There was flirting, teasing, and the thrill of anticipation. 

"At the beginning of a relationship, we passionately and intensely pursue our partners to attract them," couples therapist Kimberlin Shepard, LMSW tells mindbodygreen. "If you once wore lingerie all the time, dig it back out! Plan date nights. Get all dolled up, go out to drinks, dinner, or a movie, and then come home and have steamy, hot sex," she adds.

Studies indicate that using vibrators can enhance sexual satisfaction for both partners. For men, vibrators can also boost sexual performance, while for women, they make it easier to orgasm. 

Sensual massage can be a powerful tool to reconnect with your partner physically and, once again, explore their body with intent and focus. The stroking touch not only soothes but also stimulates. 

Bring fun back to your relationship through games focused on sex. 

As you try to reestablish your sexual connection, begin with moments of friendship and shared laughter. It will remove all the stress and maybe even inhibitions if you're playing strip poker or sexual truth and dare. You can also try couple's cards, board, and dice games easily available on the market. 

A visual and tactical stimulant, lingerie can reignite passion in a relationship. It creates anticipation as it teases and tantalizes your partner.

A way to completely step away from your usual practice is by combining sex with spirituality. It will enhance emotional and sexual closeness and elevate your connection to something sacred that demands respect and careful nourishment.

You can practice spiritual sex by cleansing the sexual environment. Begin by removing all clutter so energy flows freely, light incense to create positivity, use light colors for the bedding and, if possible, also for the walls and the decor. Let the natural elements, like sunlight and fresh air, enter the space.

Infuse elements of spontaneity, adventure, and novelty in your sexual moments.

Engaging in activities that raise adrenaline levels, like bungee jumping, roller coaster rides, or even workout challenges, can mimic the physiological arousal of sexual excitement, and when you experience them together, they increase the sexual attraction between a couple. Sex that follows such events is usually more heated and exciting. 

We all have characters we love and wish to emulate, which can be the key to adding some adventure and excitement to your sex life. As part of role play, we can assume a persona that either excites us or our partner, create exciting scenarios, and meet up with our significant other as if for the first time. When you shed your actual identity, you also leave behind your inhibitions and the stress that is so much a part of your daily life. Pretending to be someone else creates a sense of safety, allowing you to enact fantasies you've never shared with your partner. 

Temperature play is an erotic practice that uses heat or cold to stimulate the body. It is a form of sensory play that introduces a variety of new physical sensations to sex. You can use heated oils, ice cubes, and massage candles. Specially designed toys are also available; these toys can be chilled or heated. 

As part of foreplay, enhance the sensory experience by using edible items. Your items' different tastes, textures, and aromas can stimulate the senses and add a layer of excitement and freshness to a sexual experience. 

Create a list of sexual things, fantasies, kinks and experiences you want to explore. It can be anything from trying a new position, location, or toy to something more adventurous like role-playing, temperature play, or joining a nude retreat. The act of discussing and creating the list can be pretty arousing. It will improve communication and shift each partner's perception of their relationship and each other. It will also introduce new and exciting possibilities for their future together. 

In sensory deprivation sex, by restricting one or more senses, you amplify the pleasure received from the senses that remain active. For instance, if you blindfold your partner and deprive them of visual stimulation, they'll fully tune into their environment and what they can feel happening to and around their body. Every touch will be unexpected, heightening the thrill and anticipation. They will feel each whisper, kiss, lick, and stroke more intensely. While they're blindfolded, you can also use objects like oils, feathers, or toys like vibrators to stimulate your partner. It will keep them on tenterhooks, trying to guess what will follow. 

"It's a journey of rediscovery, where vulnerability meets creativity, and intimacy is reimagined," says Prihandito.

Foreplay involves exploring your partner, expressing your desire for them, and building sexual tension, all adding more nuance to intimate moments. It is all about affectionate exchanges, sharing desires and fantasies, making out, and going only so far and no more. It prepares the body and mind and sets an emotional stage for a deeper sexual connection. This lazy exploration helps in understanding what excites and pleases each partner.

"Remember, not all forms of physical intimacy lead to sex, but they can create an atmosphere of sensuality. Cuddle, hold hands and exchange massages. This physical closeness can create a natural segue into sexual intimacy," Cisneros tells mindbodygreen.

"Strengthening emotional intimacy can enhance the connection in the bedroom," says Sultan.

Repair your sexual relationship by rekindling your emotional bond. Make yourself vulnerable. Allow your partner to see into your heart by openly and honestly sharing your feelings, hopes, and dreams for their future as a couple. Invite them to speak their mind and share their feelings. Listen attentively and with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to draw them out. 

Show them appreciation for the love and laughter they have brought into your life. "Regularly expressing gratitude can create a positive emotional environment, which can be incredibly freeing sexually," shares Cisneros. 

If none of the strategies proves helpful or seems to not be to your taste or violate any of your boundaries, it is best to work with a sex therapist, counselor, or coach. It is especially helpful if your partner resists attempts to improve the relationship.

Spicing up your sex life is important for keeping the spark alive in long-term relationships. Try different strategies, explore other practices, and experiment with toys, and if the issue persists, there's no shame in reaching out to a professional.