How To Actually Let Go Of Someone & 14 Signs It's Time, From Therapists

When a relationship has run its course, we eventually have to let that person go. And since it can be difficult to know when it's time to let go, let alone how to actually do it, we asked relationship experts. Here's what they had to say.

Whether you've just experienced a breakup, or you have a feeling you're about to, finally letting go of that person is never easy. Even when it's your decision, there's still an open wound there that will take time to heal, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT.

Sometimes it can be hard to recognize abuse, or you may not feel like things are "that bad." When in doubt, Leeds says to look out for two things in particular: "If you feel like you're walking on eggshells when you're with your partner, it's time to consider leaving the relationship. And if you don't feel safe with your partner, both emotionally and physically, it's time to end the relationship."

Even on the less extreme end, Neo says, you may experience "selective memory" or "confirmation bias," seldom recalling the bad times and only focusing on the brief good moments. "And if this is happening and stopping you from having an objective view, then this is actually incredibly dangerous to you," she adds.

Ask yourself if you actually like who you are around this person, or if you're truly being yourself. Neo notes that if you're trading your normal behavior for fawning behavior in order to keep the peace, that's a sign this person isn't good for you.

And as Neo adds, if you dread their presence, or feel like you need ample time to recharge after you're around them, they're definitely draining you and your energy.

Whether this person is trying to sabotage your growth, or you simply don't feel you're headed in the same upward trajectory, you have to ask yourself if this person will be conducive to the life you're seeking long term. And if they're not, it's time to walk away.

Simply stated, if the relationship is causing more hardship than anything else, what's the point? "When you fight more often than not, it's time to consider leaving. And if even at its best the relationship was never really good, you'll likely be happier if you leave the relationship," Leeds tells mbg.

It's one thing if your one most protective friend has reservations about your partner. But if none of your friends and family like your partner, according to Leeds, "that's a big red flag that your partner may not be good for you."

This really depends on what you're looking for in a relationship, but if you are looking for something long term, Leeds says it's important to be able to visualize a future with them. If you really can't see it happening, "it's time to let go," Leeds notes.

Receiving the bare minimum from someone isn't sustainable—at least not if you want to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship. So, if all you're getting is crumbs from your partner, Leeds says, "it's time to move on to someone who will be generous and kind to you." (Here's how to tell if you're in a one-sided relationship.)

We all want someone who lives with integrity: They mean what they say, show effort and follow-through, and their words are aligned with their actions. According to Leeds, if these foundational things aren't present, that's a big red flag and a sign to walk away.

Trust is another foundational aspect of a healthy relationship, and Leeds says if you can't trust your partner, it's time to move on. Whether there's been infidelity, lying, or any kind of severing of trust, if it can't be worked through, it's only going to cause more problems down the line.

This one ties back to the idea of being able to see a future with this person. It will only serve you to find a partner who has priorities and values that are aligned with yours, and Leeds says if that's not the case (such as one of you wants children and the other doesn't), you probably want to walk away.

Mutual respect is an important factor in any healthy relationship, and according to Leeds, if you don't feel respected in your relationship and/or you don't respect your partner, it's time to call it off. One of the easiest ways to spot a lack of respect is the presence of contempt, which is one of the so-called four horsemen of divorce.

And last but not least, Leeds says if you've been debating whether to leave for a while, this is your sign to end the relationship. No more excuses, rose-colored glasses, or staying in a toxic dynamic. Listen to your gut!

You might even have to be discreet in your getaway, Neo adds. You'll also want to make sure you have any necessary documents (if this will involve legal matters), a strong support system present, and even think about changing your passwords, she says. (Here's our full guide to leaving an abusive relationship.)

If you want to speak with this person about your decision, you can take steps to open up the dialogue. "Once you've come to the conclusion that it's time to move on, consider how you'd like to let your partner know. If no safety issues are present, communicating the news in person is best," Leeds tells mbg, adding, "Ideally, you will have already communicated your concerns to your partner well before choosing to break up."

Leeds and Neo both note that having a script of sorts can help if you're worried you might back down in a face-to-face conversation. Stand firm in the breakup, and hold your boundaries. "Make sure that you stay rock solid like a mountain. Do not move," Neo adds.

This avoids drawing out the breakup or unnecessarily hurting your partner, she explains, and you don't have to go into excruciating detail about every little thing you don't like about them, instead sticking to the big picture.

And as Neo adds, they may very well try to reach out on holidays or your birthday, for example, but it's important you don't give in.

Here are a few ways to learn to love yourself again after a breakup—it'll be important for being able to truly move on.

Use the time post-breakup as an opportunity to focus on your own recovery and try to lean into the other relationships in your life, Leeds suggests, such as with friends and family. "Recommit to your hobbies and interests, and allow yourself time to heal and move forward in your life," she adds.

Letting someone go is a process, and you may have moments when you start to romanticize the past. But as sex and relationship therapist Stephen Snyder, M.D., previously told mbg, it's important to remind yourself why things didn't work out when this happens. "Most often, we idealize the people we miss," he says, adding, "We overlook the fact that the meanings we attached to the relationship weren't always gratified as much as we would have liked."

She notes you can look for joy in doing things without a significant other, like catching up with close friends, meditation, or therapy. "Do what you need to nourish your soul as you process the breakup and start the journey of getting over them," she adds.

If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They're available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.