Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? Expert Tips & Everything To Consider

If your relationship ends on good terms, it's perfectly reasonable to wonder if it's possible to be friends with your ex. After all, this person is likely someone you genuinely like and enjoy spending time with, as well as someone with whom you probably have shared experiences, ideas, values, and interests. To give up all of that just because you realized a romantic relationship won't work between you two may very well feel like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Yes, it's absolutely possible to be friends with your ex. Whether it's a good idea will depend on the situation and the people involved. Some people are able to have healthy, positive relationships with their exes without any difficulty or complications, whereas others find that trying to stay friends ends up being unnecessarily messy or even painful.

According to licensed marriage therapist Weena Cullins, LCMFT, sometimes two people find they don't work as romantic partners, but there are aspects of their relationship that are still valuable and can be healthily maintained through a friendship.

"Being friends with your ex can be a good idea when other aspects of the relationship were valuable to your growth, development, or life goals," she explains. "If you and your ex identify that you make better business partners, workout buddies, or friends, and you are able to maintain healthy boundaries with each other, then creating an authentic friendship could work."

She adds that it can be especially beneficial if you and your ex have children together. Though she says friendships aren't necessary for successful co-parenting, it may create an easier environment for both the parents and the kids. "It can also provide increased flexibility with managing schedules, discipline issues, and the general flow of information."

It's hard to be friends with an ex you still love, but it's possible. For some people, love isn't something that they ever really "take back," even after a romantic relationship has ended. They may continue to love and care deeply about their former partners, though those feelings are no longer tied up with wanting to continue dating. As long as you wholeheartedly accept that the relationship is over and are actively moving on with your life, you can still maintain a friendship with an ex you love.

It's important to set boundaries with your ex, whether or not you intend to stay friends. Those boundaries may include physical, emotional, time, or energetic boundaries. It's up to each of you to decide what boundaries you need in place to be able to stay friends without it becoming messy, painful, or sliding back into romantic territory.

As for physical boundaries, some people feel fine with sharing physical intimacy with their exes—including having casual sex—but that varies widely depending on the people and the context. Cullins warns that having a sexual relationship with an ex often blurs the lines dramatically, but it is possible if you both come to an agreement to be friends with benefits with truly no expectations or strings attached.

The key, says Cullins, is making sure that any relationship you have with your ex isn't getting in the way of your ability to move on and (if it's what you want) potentially connect with other people. 

The key to making a friendship with an ex work is making sure you're both actually over each other. Pay attention to how you feel when you're around your ex—is the energy charged or tense? Is there a certain pull or attraction between you? Are you feeling a rush of butterflies or a wash of sadness when you see their name appear in your texts? Does the idea of them dating someone new fill you with dread? Those are all signs that there may still be feelings there.

"Many exes make the mistake of letting the friendship resemble the romantic relationship too closely. This usually doesn't work in the long run," Cullins says.

"Be objective about any cues you notice that indicate that a friendship isn't possible," Cullins says. "For example, if one or both of you become jealous when the other begins dating someone new, then there may not be enough separation between the old relationship and the friendship."

It's OK to decide you need to take a step back if you realize that it's too emotionally complicated to maintain a friendship with your ex. You can gently explain that you'd like to take some more time and space, whether for now or for the foreseeable future. You can wish each other well and express that you care about your ex, even as you name your need for space and end the friendship.