12 Signs Your Ex Is Pretending To Be Over You & What To Do About It

Just because two people have broken up doesn't mean they've both made their peace with it and moved on. Is your ex sending you mixed messages? Or perhaps their behavior just seems off? If you suspect your ex is merely pretending to be over you, here are a few ways to know for sure.

Now, it's important to note that while people may be pretending or kidding themselves, this isn't always the case: It's possible that they have truly moved on. But to be sure, the following signs likely indicate your ex hasn't actually moved on and is at least partially pretending.

Maybe they outright say they're doing well or give indications that they're happy, but their behavior says otherwise. If there are mixed signals, Page says that means there is not completion. "They are not happy because they haven't actually let go," Paul adds, "and they might find themselves ruminating about their ex, even though they claim to be over the person."

In most cases, breakups aren't only one person's fault, despite that being easy to believe. They might be blaming you entirely for the breakup, Paul notes, "which is a sign they have not come to terms with their part of the system that led to the breakup."

Similar to blaming, Paul says anger is a sign that they have not moved on, which tracks with the grief stage of a breakup. Anger is part of the journey to acceptance and moving on, so if they're still holding anger, resentment, or bitterness, they haven't totally healed.

(Here's when to reach out to an ex and when to avoid it, FYI.)

Flirting should count as a major sign. Are they complimenting you or flirting with you the way they used to? Page says this is a likely sign their feelings are still there, and they are not over you.

As with flirting, Page says bringing up old memories you shared together in discussion is another sign they're not over you, even if they say they are. They're reminiscing, and even ruminating, and are simultaneously trying to draw you back in with memories of the good old days.

Do you still have some of their things? If they haven't asked for their stuff back or made time to give you your things back, they could be holding on to them sentimentally or pushing it off because they're in denial.

A truly wounded ex may go so far as to sabotage any new potential relationships you have. "I've heard this countless times where someone says they finally ended it with an ex who was unavailable, and the minute they start falling in love with someone else, their ex pops up again," Page tells mbg.

As you date someone, you get a sense of their social media presence (or lack thereof). Are they suddenly posting a lot more, and particularly posting things that make them seem like they're thriving without you? These posts could very well be targeted at you, Page says, to create the illusion that they're doing well.

And speaking of social media, you've probably witnessed the silent acknowledgment of a breakup on Facebook or Instagram. Without explanation, someone's Facebook suddenly says they're single, or all of their Instagram pictures with their significant other are gone. If your ex still has your pictures up, they may be struggling to let go.

If you don't see your ex regularly, this will often come through on social media. If they're posting things shortly after breaking up that indicate they're with someone else, Page says, it could be in an attempt to get your attention or make you jealous.

And of course, are they acting like life has never been better? Sure, some people can cope with a breakup faster than others, but "if they're seemingly as happy as a clam, it could be a way of expressing their ambivalence" toward the breakup, Page says.

Ask yourself what you need, and be open and honest with them. "Ask them any question you have. That's a really important thing for people to know. In a breakup you have a right to ask yourself, What do I need for resolution?" Page says.

If you think you might want to get back together—and your ex does, too—it's important to get very clear on what went wrong the first time around and how things will be different going forward. (Check out our full guide on how to know whether you should get back together.)

At the end of the day, no one can read minds. Even if your ex is pretending to be over you, you don't necessarily know the exact motivation. So, the only way to truly get to the bottom of it is to communicate about it, ask for whatever it is you need, and stay true to yourself.