How To Interpret Mixed Signals From A Crush Or An Ex, From Relationship Experts
Communication is one of the most important elements of a healthy relationship, but it can sometimes be difficult to decipher what your partner is trying to say—especially if they're sending you mixed signals. In the context of relationships, mixed signals are when a person is expressing interest in someone while also simultaneously expressing a lack of interest or a desire to keep their distance, causing confusion for the other person. Here's how mixed signals can show up in a new romantic relationship or with an ex, according to sex and relationship therapists.
Mixed signals in a new relationship.
The early stages of a new relationship can be filled with passion and curiosity, but they can also be filled with mixed signals. Before you understand the ins and outs of your partner's behavior and communication patterns, you may not be able to intuit what they're thinking. Below are six mixed signals a partner may give early on in the relationship, according to experts:
1. They message you often but don't make plans to hang out.
Say you meet someone at a party, and the two of you really hit it off. You exchange numbers and start texting back and forth (sometimes even flirtatiously), but they never ask you on a date or deflect when you mention spending time together in person.
"If he tells you he had a good time and really likes you but takes a week to contact you, it would make sense if you were confused," says Chamin Ajjan, M.S., LCSW, A-CBT, sex therapist and author of Seeking Soulmate: Ditch the Dating Game and Find Real Connection.
This type of pattern might also play out on dating apps, where it's even more difficult to know where the person stands since you've never actually met them.
2. They're inconsistent and unavailable.
Sometimes you do spend in-person time together but otherwise never hear from the person when you're not physically together, which is another example of receiving mixed signals, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Weena Cullins, LCMFT. The only reassurance you may get in this scenario is the rare time you spend together in person. Aside from that, "They fail to initiate meetups, call, or text with any level of consistency," she explains, "which can leave a person feeling uncertain about what the other person really wants."
3. They say they want an emotional connection but don't go deeper.
Some people will send mixed signals about how deep they want the relationship to get. They might verbally promise or indicate a desire to go beneath the surface, Cullins explains, but then they don't follow through with actually engaging in those deeper conversations as a couple.
"When it's time to answer questions that may require vulnerability or exposure, they opt out of participating," she explains. "This can cause the other person confusion about where the relationship is going."
4. They're only present when it's convenient for them.
If a new partner talks about wanting to be in a relationship but only shows up when it's convenient for them, they're sending mixed signals. For example, they tell you they're always available to listen when you need them but avoid you when times are tough. "They may also limit their face time to situations when they need a hand or want some company," Cullins adds. "This can leave the other person feeling manipulated and unsupported."
5. They're all-in for a period of time, then drastically change their behavior.
This mixed signal is essentially an accumulation of the various mixed signals mentioned above, and it can also be a form of breadcrumbing. It occurs when someone texts you often, talks about a future together, shares personal information, and asks you to do the same, couples' therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC, tells mbg. "And then, for no particular reason, [they] change their behavior, ghost you, avoid you for a period of time, change their tone, or act guarded," she says.
6. They flirt with someone else.
If someone who shows interest in you is flirty with other people, that can send mixed signals. This might not be true for everybody, as different people have different tolerance levels for sociosexuality, but the typical monogamous dater will likely be confused observing this behavior in a potential partner. "If you are on a date with your new person of interest and she flirts with the waitperson, you may not be clear about where you stand," Ajjan explains as an example.
Mixed signals with an ex.
Ending a relationship can be complicated, possibly even more so if it ends on good terms. If you choose to stay friends or maintain contact with your ex, mixed signals can become incredibly prevalent and confusing. Here are a few common mixed signals you may receive from an ex-partner:
1. Reaching out frequently with no intention to get back together.
If you or your ex are texting, calling, DMing, or spending time with each other frequently but say you don't see a future together, that can sometimes send mixed signals. Not only can this be confusing, but it can also make it difficult to truly move on from the relationship, Cullins says. (This is why some experts recommend the no-contact rule after a breakup.)
2. Acting like they're OK with moving on, then interfering with new relationships.
Sometimes an ex says they're OK with you moving on, but then they make comments, show up on your dates, or do anything to interfere with your new life or relationship. They're saying one thing (they don't want to be with you), but their actions are saying another thing (they don't want you to be with someone else). "This can be damaging to any connection they may still have with their ex, as well as to their ex's new relationship," Cullins says.
3. Continuing to have sex after the breakup.
Sometimes an ex will give up the emotional aspect of the relationship, but they may try to hang on to the physical aspects under the guise of "friends with benefits," Muñoz says. While there are healthy ways to go about a FWB relationship, it can be confusing in the aftermath of a breakup—and especially unfair if one partner is still holding out hope for a long-term commitment.
4. Connecting on social media but nowhere else.
It can be confusing if an ex regularly interacts with you on social media, whether it's liking an old photo, commenting on a new one, or DMing you funny memes. These gestures can make it seem like they're interested in staying connected, yet they don't call, text, or make plans to talk in person.
How to interpret mixed signals.
By their very nature, mixed signals are difficult to interpret. "What we can interpret from mixed signals is that the other person hasn't officially chosen to be consistent or committed to you," Cullins says. "If you decide that consistency or commitment is what you need, then it will be easier to determine how to move forward in the relationship."
Staying in relationships like this can lead to emotional stress. "If their behavior negatively affects your mental, emotional, or physical stability, or overall sense of peace and self-worth, then it's time to assess the value of remaining in the situation," Cullins says.
Why do people send mixed signals?
If a person is acting this way, Muñoz says it's usually a sign they're dealing with their own internal conflict. "They may want opposed or contradictory things, such as absolute freedom and safety and security." Seeing these mixed signals as a sign of inner conflict can help you become more compassionate toward them rather than taking it personally, she says.
Overall, mixed signals are not signs that you need to change, but rather the person sending the signals has some inner work to do. Mixed signals can also be the result of an avoidant attachment style, Ajjan adds. Meaning they tend to pull away when a relationship becomes intimate because those feelings of closeness make them nervous.
The bottom line.
Communication is essential in relationships. If you're struggling to understand someone, being open about the problem can help you both get on the same page, and, hopefully, prevent miscommunication in the future. If you're direct about these issues and your partner doesn't change behaviors, it may be a sign you're not ready for the same type of relationship or you need to set boundaries.
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