How To Break Up With Someone You Live With, From Relationship Experts
Breakups are hard enough as it is, but if you live together, there's an added layer of complexity that requires careful consideration. Is it really time to call it quits? How do you bring it up? And how do you sort out living arrangements afterward? To answer all of these questions and more, we asked the experts, so you can approach the difficult decision of breaking up with someone you live with in the best way possible.
How to know when it's time to break up.
"The decision to move on from a relationship like this should not be made impulsively, nor communicated to one's partner without really thinking it through first," clinical psychologist Nicole Beurkens, Ph.D., explains to mbg.
Get clear on the reasons you think it's time to end things. Perhaps the partnership makes you feel invisible, insecure, needy, or consistently negative. Or, maybe you've realized you got lost in the potential of the relationship, when the reality is quite the opposite. In some instances, you may have expressed concerns with your partner, and nothing's changed.
If you haven't brought up concerns to your partner, that's definitely something you should do first before jumping to a breakup, according to Beurkens, for the sake of you and your partner. She also notes it's never a bad idea to speak with others (family and friends, or a relationship professional) about your feelings and options to find clarity.
- You talk about the relationship improving in some hypothetical future.
- You're feeling pressured to change, and it makes you feel less worthy as a result.
- You feel loved and supported...but only when you're happy.
- You feel negative around your partner, regularly.
- Getting your partner to spend time with your friends and family is weirdly difficult.
- You feel needy or unreasonable every time you express a need.
- You only feel secure in the relationship when you're physically together.
- You feel "hidden" by your partner.
- You're a markedly different person around your partner.
Preparing for the breakup.
Once you've made your decision, you'll want some sort of plan for both approaching the conversation and what you want to communicate. Since you also have the cohabiting factor at play, start thinking about the logistics involved with that, like future arrangements, bills, pets, or children.
"Preparing can help you feel more grounded and less anxious. It also can help you feel more clear on your reasons and how you want to articulate it to your partner," explains psychotherapist Babita Spinelli, L.P. Then, when you're ready, "Pick a time to talk that is mutually convenient, with the least distractions, and let them know in advance that you have something important to discuss," she adds.
Beurkens notes the importance of considering the feelings and needs of your partner and approaching this in a way that allows them to feel supported. And finally, should you be worried about how your partner will react, she and Spinelli both suggest breaking up with others close by. (Here's our full guide on how to leave an abusive relationship.)
Having the conversation.
When the time comes, keep all your "whys" in mind. If it helps, preparing a list (whether physical or mental) of what you want to cover can be helpful. Come prepared with a plan in place for what follows the breakup, and be ready to answer questions.
"Express your emotions with kindness and authenticity," Spinelli says. "It is important to navigate the conversation with respect to yourself and to your partner." She adds communicating with "I" phrases instead of "you" statements—so that you're focusing on what you need and not on blaming—is helpful.
And as respectfully as you can, keep your boundaries firm and remember why you're having the conversation. "Expect that your partner may need space or some time to process your decision," Spinelli notes, "and you may, too, once you have communicated your feelings. Be open to your thoughts, and come up with a plan together of how you will part ways."
Things to consider:
1. You may still have to live together right after.
This is where things can get messy. So, Spinelli advises going into it prepared for the immediate aftermath. "Once you have communicated your desire to break up, it is best to have a plan on where to stay just after the conversation," she says. From then on, should you have to cohabit for a time, be open and honest with each other about boundaries and how much space you both need until you can find other arrangements.
(You can check out our full guide to living with an ex here.)
2. Do you have kids together?
As Beurkens notes, having a plan in place for how to move forward with separating your lives is especially critical if children are involved. "There should be a structure to how the separation occurs so they know what to expect," she explains. Be open and honest with your kids, and answer any questions they might have. If you and your partner both have legal custody, consulting with a lawyer may be necessary. (Here's more on how to end a marriage with kids.)
3. You're likely not going to get a "clean break."
When you don't live with a partner, you can break up one day and never speak to them again. But the reality is, if you live together, you'll want to be prepared for a period of transition as you sort out other arrangements. "Ongoing communication is necessary to manage the practical components, as well as to help with what ideally can be a supportive process for all involved," Beurkens notes.
Moving on typically isn't a cakewalk for most, so lean on your people. "Enlist resources and your support system to help you," Spinelli says, adding, "There are a myriad of feelings that come up even if you are the initiator of the breakup: grief, fear, worry, shame, guilt—breakups elicit a lot of guilt for the partner who leads the decision."
This is a natural human reaction, she says. And if you are feeling guilty, it's important to remember you made the decision for a reason, even though it can be painful to your partner. "You can be empathetic, but you are responsible for your own feelings and should not hold theirs," she adds. "You are allowed to make choices for your happiness and well-being."
As with any relationship, it's a good idea to give yourself a period of mourning before you jump into the dating game again, to allow you to fully process and heal. There's no right or wrong time to start dating again; just try to be honest with yourself about what you're seeking in a relationship.
And lastly, if you still have to live together for a while, again, communication is key. Set boundaries and give each other space, and keep communicating honestly.
(Here's our full guide on how to get over a breakup.)
The bottom line.
It's not easy to break up with someone you love, especially when you're accustomed to having them in your daily life. But you're giving consideration to what makes you happy and what you need, and that's worth celebrating. As they say, when one door closes, another opens, and breakups have the potential to be a catalyst for lots of self-love, self-care, and inner growth. Worth it.
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