10 Signs Of An Unhappy Relationship + What To Do Next

Maybe the realization just suddenly hit you like a ton of bricks. Or maybe you've known for a long while but you just haven't wanted to name it. Either way, recognizing that you may be unhappy in your relationship can bring on a mixture of confusion, sadness, and even fear. What comes next? Can the relationship be fixed, or is it all over? Is it just a stressful time, or am I truly just unhappy in this relationship overall?

"I believe we know when we are unhappy," says Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., a licensed couples' counselor and sex therapist in Seattle.

Happiness is an emotion, after all, and we're all familiar with what it feels like to be happy. Unhappiness can be considered the absence of that feeling, or it can present as feelings of sadness, frustration, stress, apathy, or even boredom. The point is, something feels off.

If you're not sure whether you're unhappy, it helps to check in on the basics: For example, it's impossible to feel happy if you don't feel safe. According to licensed marriage therapist Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT, feeling unsafe—physically or emotionally—doesn't just make your relationship unhappy, it also means it's unhealthy. "If you do not feel safe, if this is a safety issue, meaning you are physically [or] emotionally being abused, this is a sure sign that the relationship is toxic and unhealthy," she tells mbg.

Another sign of an unhappy relationship? "We may not be as interested in sex," says Zimmerman. Of course, sex in long-term relationships often goes through phases, and it's perfectly OK to not want to have sex sometimes. But if you've enjoyed sex with your partner in the past and that has dramatically changed—to the point that you're almost repulsed by the idea of having sex with them—that can be a sign that something has shifted for you internally.

Last, and perhaps most importantly, sometimes unhappiness looks like a loss–the feeling of losing yourself. 

"That means you're probably being drained, you're probably being sucked dry, that means your partner has probably demanded or you've had to change so much to the point that you don't even recognize your own self anymore," says Jackson. "You stop having wants, needs, goals, desires, passions, hobbies, and all of those things, for the sake of the relationship and/or for the sake of children."

It's normal to be unhappy in a relationship from time to time, even in relationships that are healthy and loving. According to Zimmerman, we won't be happy 100% of the time in any part of our lives, relationships included.

"In relationships, we tend to go through 'comfort cycles,' where we enjoy what's happening and get the benefit of whatever work we've done. We can coast, in a way. Then we are thrown into 'growth cycles,' when one or both partners are unhappy with something," she explains. "This is when we are called on to work, to grow, to change. To care about what our partner needs and for them to care about us. This is a natural flow through our life together."

"If you realize you're unhappy in your relationship, it's time to take an internal evaluation to dig a little deeper," says Jackson. "The first thing is knowing that you're starting to feel unhappy, but the next part is unpacking and digging a little deeper to figure out why you're unhappy."

Next, it's time to talk to your partner about what you're feeling. Zimmerman emphasizes the importance of coming in with a nonjudgmental and non-accusatory attitude, instead focusing on teaming up to find solutions together. 

"Share your concerns without blame," she says. "Approach them as a partner, getting on the same page to solve the issues." 

Things won't change after one conversation; it will likely take several check-ins over time and active adjustments on both people's parts for change to start to happen.

According to Jackson, what you'll want to be on the lookout for during this time is change behavior from your partner. Are they putting in the work to try to get better at meeting your needs? Are they open to growing and learning? 

"You need to figure out if this person is worth committing to and staying with and seeing if you can grow and evolve with them, seeing if they want to change," she explains. "Seeing if there's some type of change behavior is crucial. And if that person does not want to do that, if they don't want to better themselves, then it's time for you to make the hard decision to let the relationship go because clearly it's no longer serving you."

One of the biggest examples of change behavior is taking accountability, says Jackson. 

"One of the sexiest things that a person can do is to be honest with themselves enough to say 'You're right. Oh my gosh. My bad. I'm so sorry. I didn't know that that hurt your feelings. Next time I won't do that. I'll try this," she says.

How do you know when it's truly time to give up and end things? 

"If your partner consistently won't come to the table to work things out so you can both be happy, if they diminish your concerns, if they shame you, if they always turn it back on you, if they show no sign of care and concern for your well-being, that is not a situation where you can likely get what you need," says Zimmerman. 

Trust your gut. Give yourself the freedom and the flexibility to let things go that are no longer serving you, says Jackson. 

"You can love someone very deeply but still choose to let them go," she says. "And I think that's a really powerful dynamic of duality—of like, I still love this person, I might internally want to be with them still, but I know that this isn't healthy for me, and so the healthiest choice is to let them go so they can find their person, and so I can be free and find the person that I'm supposed to be with."

Relationships can have a huge impact on a person's overall happiness. That said, Jackson points out that it's important not to depend on your relationship for your happiness.

"Happiness is an internal job, which means that nobody can make you happy. Nobody can steal that from you," she says. "That is something that you have to find within yourself, and while outside factors in a relationship can contribute to it, like some stress or some drama or things of that nature, you should never solely depend on your partner for happiness in the relationship or happiness in life."

To some extent, experiencing brief periods of unhappiness in a relationship is inevitable. People and their needs will always change over time, and the tides of life can shake up even the sturdiest of relationships.

That said, unhappiness should not be the norm or the accepted status quo. We all have the right to be happy, and the people who we choose to share our lives with have an immense impact on how we feel in the day-to-day flow of our lives. If your relationship is no longer serving you, despite your best efforts to make changes together with your partner, know that it's OK to lovingly let them go in your pursuit of happiness.

"Remember that a relationship should be a win/win situation," says Zimmerman.