The Truth About Getting Out Of The Friend Zone + How To Go From Friends To Romance

Let's discuss the best ways to approach this tricky situation.

That isn't to say that some people won't sometimes change their minds about a friend and decide they're open to romance with them when they previously weren't. However, how you—as the friend—approach this situation is key to ensuring the relationship (whatever form it takes) feels good for both people.

If you're truly unsure where this person stands, make a move and see if it's reciprocated—or just ask them directly and let them tell it to you straight.

It can be hard to grok when you're deep in the depths of your desire, but try to remember that even if this person ultimately decides they have zero interest in pursuing something with you, it isn't the end of the world. There are other people out there who are going to be excited to hold your hand and/or jump your bones, without you needing to painstakingly draw it out of them. You're also going to feel this way again about someone else, promise. (Just going to leave this list of the best dating apps on the market right here, in case you need a reminder of all the attractive people out in the universe.)

Pay attention to how they receive your gesture: Are they flirting back, or do they seem uncomfortable and standoffish? If they're playing ball and are signaling attraction, you can continue upping the ante by making bolder moves (pro tip: "I really want to kiss you right now" and "I really want to take you out sometime" are classics for a reason). If they're trying to sidestep your advances, back off—don't make them uncomfortable by pushing it when they're clearly putting up the stop sign.

In some cases, it may not actually be appropriate for you to suddenly make a move without a conversation first. This might be true in cases where you've been friends for a long time or have only ever known each other in a strictly nonromantic and nonsexual context. If you suspect that revealing your romantic interest may be a total shock or even potentially distressing to this person, or you know they'll need time to think before deciding if they want to pursue things with you, don't just jump in with a kiss or a bold gesture—it could set that person off in a way that's not good for either of you.

While confessions naturally feel a little dramatic, try your best to keep it light as opposed to making the moment feel intense and pressurized. Let them know that they can take their time to think about it. Here are some potential ways to say it:

Prioritize their comfort, well-being, and agency. Not only because that's what a healthy relationship is all about but also because people notice when other people care about and respect their boundaries. It makes them feel safer around you and more likely to want to connect with you in the future.

Remember: Being someone's friend is not actually a demotion or a bad thing— it's actually an invitation for closeness, just of a different type. It indicates that someone actually likes you as a person and wants to keep you in their life, as opposed to romantic or sexual partners which can often be fleeting. While that can feel hard to appreciate when you are craving a different kind of relationship with them, it's important to keep that perspective.

There's a lot of bad internet advice out there telling people in this position to start playing coy, withholding affection, being a little less nice or a little more dismissive, or other childish mind games. Don't buy into it. These are all essentially manipulation tactics, many of them mired in objectifying your crush and turning them into a prize to be won rather than a human being worthy of agency and care. Rise above it—not only because it's mean-spirited and can lead to toxic relationship dynamics but also because most people these days are much more attracted to authenticity, maturity, and a kind heart than they are to archaic and harmful tropes about "the chase."

Being upfront that your feelings are still there can also let them know that they can come back around to the idea of dating you whenever they're ready. Again, just make sure to read the room—if they don't respond well to your overtures, ease off. Pressure is not sexy.

And in case it needs reminding: Someone's lack of romantic interest in you doesn't mean you're not a desirable person or partner. It just means you weren't the right fit for this specific person at this specific time in their life, and that's OK.

Hang out with a new group of friends, start dating other people, and lean into your hobbies and passions. By expanding your circle and focusing on other parts of your life, you'll find yourself more able to feel more authentically content about remaining friends with your crush for the time being. That breathing room will relieve the pressure on your friend, and seeing you thriving can actually help them start to see you in a new light. A person living a full and exciting life is always attractive, after all.

You may be able to come back to a friendship (or something more intimate) again in the future, once the heightened emotions have cooled. Reconnecting after time apart can help you two start fresh and gives the other person the opportunity to see you in a new, potentially more intriguing light.

As much as you might want to hack your way into being more than friends, at the end of the day, remember that only they can decide whether they're going to change their mind about you. You can make your feelings known, but from there, they'll need to come around to the idea of dating you on their own. The best way to increase those odds, ironically, is giving them space while continuing to be friendly toward them and living your own best life. Let them come to you if that's what they ultimately decide they want to do.

It's disappointing to hear the person you're interested in tell you they just want to be friends, i.e., getting friend-zoned. It's up to you whether you want to continue being friends or move on, depending on how much you feel able to be a true friend to them. People do change their minds all the time, and it's always possible that someone who wasn't interested in you before will become interested in you later. You'll just need to give them a little breathing room and let them decide for themselves. In the meantime, continue being a cool and kind person—both because it's attractive and because it's the healthy thing to do.