How To Spot A Fake Friend & What To Do About It, From Experts
Ever had that feeling in your gut telling you you've got a fake friend in your midst? It can be hard to know for sure, and even harder to admit if you feel close to this person or you've been "friends" for a long time. Here's how to spot a fake friend, according to experts, plus how to walk away.
The concept of "fake" friends.
Just like people can find themselves in toxic romantic relationships, toxic friendships are very much a thing. As licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT, explains to mbg, "A quality friendship includes support, loyalty, and closeness—three things you cannot find in a fake friend."
Fake friends usually want something from you but give nothing back in return, explains psychotherapist Annette Nuñez, M.S., Ph.D. "You're the one that's carrying the friendship, and the friend is not."
Rather than it being a reciprocal friendship, Leeds notes fake friends do not have your best interest at heart and "view the friendship from the perspective of what they can get from you rather than a place of genuine care for you."
15 signs of a fake friend:
1. They're a fair-weather friend.
Does this person find a way to be around when it could benefit them, but as soon as you truly need them, they disappear? Maybe they come to a party you're hosting so they can network, but when you're struggling, they're nowhere to be found. Leeds says this kind of behavior is indicative of a fake friend.
2. They aren't there for you.
Similarly, Nuñez says if a friend is virtually never there for you when you're going through a hard time, they're probably a fake friend. Being there for you and offering you emotional support, in their eyes, isn't beneficial to them in any way. And when and if they do "support" you, it feels shallow and not genuine.
3. They always seem to need something from you.
Fake friends tend to only reach out or get together when they want or need something from you, Leeds explains. Perhaps one day you're surprised they texted you to ask how you are, only for them to tell you the next day they applied to an opening at your job and want you to put in a good word for them.
4. They're competitive with you.
Leeds and Nuñez both note fake friends can be quite competitive, which stems from a place of jealousy. They may always try to one-up you in conversation, whether one on one or even in group settings, or generally want to seem better than you.
5. They make you feel bad about yourself.
A fake friend is not going to uplift you the way a true friend does. Leeds says that when you're around this person, "you may feel insecure, used, or judged." Sometimes, nothing even has to be explicitly said, but you can undoubtedly feel their judgment or disapproving looks.
6. They don't celebrate with you.
Not only will fake friends not join in celebration when it comes to your wins, accomplishments, and successes, but Nuñez explains they may even downplay them. "They may use your celebrations against you, to put you down or belittle you, saying things like, 'That's not a big deal. Anyone can do that.'"
7. They drain your energy.
Notice how you feel when you're with this person, and afterward. Are they draining you? Leeds says time with a fake friend will likely feel draining or disproportionately focused on them. "These are clear indicators that a big shift is needed if the friendship is to continue," she adds. (See also: energy vampires.)
8. They talk about you behind your back.
This one can be harder to spot, of course, depending on how careful this person is with who they talk about you to. However, if you catch wind of a supposed "friend" spreading rumors or lies about you, or just generally trash-talking, Nuñez says that is not a true friend.
9. They have nothing good to say about you.
Saying mean things to you also doesn't have to be reserved to behind your back. Some people will say things straight to your face with little to no remorse. Nuñez says if they generally hold you in a negative light and have nothing nice to say about you, that's a big red flag. After all, true friends should actually like each other—and show it.
10. They're disrespectful.
"Since a fake friend is not invested in your well-being, they are more likely to be hurtful, for example, by disrespecting your boundaries," Leeds says. Whether they are simply nasty to you or show blatant disrespect for your boundaries and needs, this shows they don't really care about you.
11. The friendship is one-sided.
Nuñez says fake friendships are often one-sided, with the fake friend frequently emotionally dumping on you but never offering you support when you need it. Check out our full guide to one-sided friendships for more signs of this unhealthy dynamic.
12. They have something to gain from you.
One of the trademarks of a fake friend is that they want something from you. "By being your friend, they use you to gain something," Nuñez says. "It may be social status gain or to get a job or to be friends with your friends—anything to benefit themselves."
13. They're jealous of you in some way.
"With fake friends, there's an underlying jealousy," Nuñez says. They want to be friends with you because they have something to gain from you, "but there's this underlying jealousy where they don't want you to do too well," she adds.
14. They try to sabotage you.
Similar to competitiveness, a fake friend may feel the need to sabotage you in certain scenarios. Say you're out at a bar with friends and flirting with a stranger. This kind of friend may come up to you and say something purposefully embarrassing about you to deter your potential suitor.
15. Their behavior is repetitious.
And lastly, if there's no sign of this behavior stopping, that's a big red flag. You can be sure you're dealing with a fake friend if "this person has done various things over and over that have shown they're not a good friend," Nuñez notes.
What to do about it.
In some cases, if you've been friends for a long time, and these changes are more recent, Leeds says there may be potential to course-correct with open communication. Ask yourself what your friend is like in their other relationships, she suggests. "If you have a hard time finding any solid, real friendships in their life, there's little reason to believe you'll be the exception to the rule."
If you think they have the interest and capacity to be vulnerable and generous with you, "it may be worth giving your friend the opportunity to turn things around by having an honest conversation about how you've been feeling," Leeds says.
However, if you've made it this far and firmly believe this person to be a fake friend with no hope for reconciliation, it's probably best to walk away. And even in the case of talking about it, Nuñez notes, "You have to remember with fake friends: What is their agenda?"
The best thing you can do is trust your gut and intuition. If this person consistently makes you feel bad, it's not a friendship that's serving you, and there is no need to keep entertaining that kind of relationship. "If it's not a mutually beneficial friendship, it's not worth it," Nuñez adds.
Cutting things off.
So, if you think it's time to end a friendship, how can you end it in a mature and healthy way? There are two main options: a "breakup" or distancing yourself.
Four targeted strains to beat bloating and support regularity.*
You don't necessarily have to have an explicit "breakup" conversation, Leeds says. You can prompt the relationship into ending naturally, by "matching your friend's effort put into the friendship, refraining from any favors, and holding firm to your boundaries," she explains, adding, "If this isn't enough to break your fake friendship, your friend may be more genuine than you'd realized."
And if you're looking for a firmer ending, Nuñez says you should "break up" with them just as you would with someone you're dating: by telling them the relationship is no longer serving you, and you think it would be best to go your separate ways.
Leeds adds that having the conversation can "feel empowering or give you clarity or closure," but for many people in a fake friendship, it doesn't even seem necessary because "the friendship lacked the realness and intimacy that usually warrants this type of honest dialogue."
However you decide to go about it, it's about staying true to yourself, your boundaries, and your needs.
The bottom line.
Try as we might to avoid them, fake friendships do happen. But when we recognize a relationship isn't serving us, it's on us to walk away. It may feel difficult, and you may even miss this friend, despite the knowledge that they were fake with you. But as Nuñez says, "You want to surround yourself with like-minded people who lift you up." Anything less is simply not worth your time and effort.