Are You An Introvert — Or Do You Have Social Anxiety? Here's The Difference

I enjoy dining out and exploring new places, and I'm fortunate enough to have a significant number of meaningful friendships with people whom I can call up in the middle of the night, who will have my back if push ever comes to shove. And contrary to the idea that it's harder to make new friends as an adult, I also made quite a few of these relationships in my 30s. 

On the surface, those who watch my life but don't know me well insist I'm extroverted.

Not so. I prefer to reserve energy for people in my inner circles, socializing one-on-one. More importantly, I'm excellent at entertaining myself and can easily lock myself in my apartment for days, having the time of my life. I guard my Me Time with the territoriality of a wolf. I am, for all intents and purposes, proudly introverted. I've simply found the happy balance between the human need for connection and the way I'm wired to need loads of alone time. 

But that wasn't always the case. I knew the kind of company I loved but felt there was something wrong with me, so I'd beat myself up for not partying with the crowds. That meant I simply wasn't present or making the most of the experience. That was me, uncomfortable as an introvert. 

And, I'd get so anxious about how I'd perform in social settings, that I'd either avoid them or run the harshest critique for months. That was me, with social anxiety.

Imagine yourself standing in the middle of London's Oxford Circus or Manhattan's Times Square. My extroverted friends love the buzz; they'll become more incandescent and magnetic. The idea, however, gives me the creeps when I think about how overwhelmed I'll be. As an introvert, I'll shrink. 

Similarly, the open-plan office where anyone can interrupt us or look over our shoulder is a nightmare.

Social anxiety is a fear of social situations because we believe we aren't competent enough and that everyone is evaluating all the minutiae of our performance. So we avoid these situations, leading us to feel more helpless about our social skills. When we actually get ourselves in said situations, we judge ourselves mercilessly.

Yes. As an introvert, we tend to overthink because of the way we're wired.

In a social situation, the introverted brain takes the long acetylcholine pathway to process information, so a stimulus travels through many different parts of the brain. One of these is the right frontal insular cortex, the part of the brain that notices errors and details, which might make us self-conscious about possible mistakes. It also travels through the frontal lobe, the part of the brain that evaluates outcomes.

This explains why introverts have a busy mind, considering different outcomes. We also draw strongly from our long-term memory bank when we speak. An event is never just an event for us. 

You have the power to choose where and when you'd like to socialize. Perhaps it's during a weekday when it's quieter or when you can find the middle ground with your extroverted friend who also loves coffee and cake. When you network, set the goal of having deep conversations with one or two people rather than speaking to 50 strangers.

This is the crux to healing from social anxiety. It's painful when you start. You doubt yourself. Trust the system. It's about sticking to proven baby steps, not an overnight miracle. Some of the most amazing conversationalists I've met have told me they grew up with crippling social anxiety. If they can do it, so can you.

The introvert hangover is real. Instead of seeing it as a cause for shame, use it to your advantage. The time will pass anyway. Make a list of things that help you to reset (when overwhelmed), recharge (to fill up your proverbial battery), and rejuvenate (to breathe new life), and do these during your introvert hangovers.

For starters, get used to the fact that small talk is part of life. It's like going to a fancy restaurant: You don't gobble your food up, and you'll have to sit back as somebody brushes crumbs off your table armed with a special dustpan.

But what you can do is make small talk less small. Instead of talking about the weather, ask questions like how someone knows their host, what's the best thing that happened today, or what they're really looking forward to today.

Other rules to keep in mind: People aren't watching your every microexpression or hanging onto every word you utter. Chances are, they probably have a little anxiety too. Most of us do, especially because there are things happening in the background of our lives that exhaust us. If you burn your energy by obsessing needlessly, you lose out in the long run because you don't trust yourself to be in social situations. So, loosen up and drop the disclaimers you use in conversations—when your brain picks them up, it automatically puts you in an inferior stance. 

When anxious, the fear center in our brain hijacks us. It's primitive and only exists to protect you from threats. But this fear center has no idea if this threat is real or imagined. Meaning, if you visualize yourself walking down a dark alley in the middle of the night, hearing footsteps behind you, your fear center doesn't know you might actually be sitting on your sofa in your comfy pajamas.

An important thing I prescribe to every client is to learn to get your higher brain back online using breathwork. Simply take three deep breaths, making sure that when you breathe in, you are filling your belly up with air and not sucking it in. And when you breathe out, you slowly empty your body of air. If you're breathing correctly, your attention will be so focused on the air entering and leaving you, you'll not have any resources to judge yourself or overthink.

Perhaps it's way less threatening to start your healing journey with total strangers, whether in a networking group or in a different location. This way, you might feel less judged or pressured to perform. Sometimes, our existing friends may unwittingly keep us in our proverbial boxes, always talking about how we feel challenged by a certain debilitation.