8 Signs You Might Be Aromantic & What That Really Means

An aromantic person is someone who has little to no romantic attraction to others, says licensed marriage therapist Janice R. Miles, LMFT. "These individuals lack the desire to be in romantic relationships or engage in romantic acts with others. These acts can include any activity, such as holding hands, kissing, or cuddling, that is done with romantic intent."

The term, sometimes shortened to aro, was first coined by the Asexual Visibility and Education Network in 2005.

Aromantic people generally don't feel like they need a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled and might be quite happy to stay single. Their lack of desire for romance can often cause people to think that they are "cold" or "prudish," but this isn't the case. Aromantic individuals can make social connections and feel platonic love, like between friends and family.

Unless the person is also asexual, being aromantic does not necessarily mean you have no sexual desire or abstain from sexual activity, Queens explains. But an aromantic may see sex as disconnected from romance. 

Some aromantic people do still date and enter into relationships. However, you might feel that choosing someone to be in a relationship with has very little or nothing to do with romantic attraction, says sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes.

"It might even feel like you are choosing them based on platonic compatibility compared to a friendship. Love and romantic attraction are completely different and separate to you," she explains. "You might even feel like a friend-with-benefits situation sounds ideal. Romantic attraction seems to be at the very bottom of your favorite things about a relationship. Love is still one of the top things, but there isn't romantic attraction attached to it."

Queen notes that romance isn't a requirement for erotic love. As such, you may experience feelings of love for another person that are rooted in sexual attraction but not romance.

While aromanticism is often confused with asexuality, and they may actually go together from time to time, they aren't synonymous.

An aromantic individual is not interested in romantic relationships, or if they are in one, it isn't because of the romance—it may be because of their bond with the other person who is romantic. An asexual individual, on the other hand, typically has no sexual desire—but this, too, can have a range of ways it shows up, including only feeling sexual desire when a strong emotional connection is present, or just feeling it sometimes, or not very strongly.

"Either could be experienced separately or together, sometimes or all the time, so both the ace or aro person (and friends and partners) will ideally want to distinguish them. To do that, think about sex without romantic love; or with it; or romance with and without sex. For some, the two spectrums will be really connected. For others it'll be, 'Oh, I like everything but the narrative of romance,'" says Queen.

A person may describe themselves as "aro ace" if they do identify as both aromantic and asexual, but these two identities can also show up distinctly and separate for a person, says Queen. 

In the same way asexuality can show up on a spectrum, so can aromanticism. For some people who identify as aromantic, it's not always zero romance or zero desire or love. There can be variations, or a kind of scale on which various related things might affect one's identity, desires, and choices.

"That can range all the way from a person really being repulsed or super-not-into romantic attraction and its narrative/ideology (aka romance-repulsed), all the way to being in a romantic relationship that they do not feel romantic about—cupioromantic," Queen explains. "And there is the demiromantic micro-orientation that, like demisexual on the ace spectrum, describes someone who may feel romantic feelings sometimes, or under very specific conditions. A non-amorous person would not want a love relationship at all, romantic or otherwise."

It's not uncommon for aromantic people to choose not to date at all because romance isn't a priority. However, some aro people do choose to enter partnerships, have kids, and have a family. For the ones who do date, they may fall into different categories.

"Aromantic people can definitely date—they could be the 'not looking for a relationship' people you see on your apps or the people who prioritize sexual connection and nothing else or the ones who are super-cerebral and would rather talk all night than have sex or fall in love in a traditional way," she says. They may also ignore the rush to cuffing season, and they might roll their eyes at Valentine's Day.

If this sounds like you, Queen says it's a really good idea for an aro person (or any person) to be as clear as possible about what they want out of dating and life. That way, they'll be able to find compatible partners, be clear with their wants, focus, and boundaries, and build the life they want with informed consent for others.

As for the aromantics who aren't into dating, they "may be ace enough not to be interested in dating but would rather form platonic connections; might want to raise kids but do it with a relative as a blended family, not in the context of a more traditional relationship," says Queen. 

Queen also encourages people who identify as aromantic (and everyone else) to always stand up for themselves. If someone is pressuring you, don't be afraid to set boundaries. Queen suggests saying something like: "I really feel like you're pressuring me to want the kind of relationship I don't actually want." 

Aromantic is still a fairly new term, and as a result, aro folks often face stigma and misconceptions about their romantic orientation. If someone in your life identifies as aromantic, a great way to support them is by being respectful of their orientation and identity, says Miles.

"Avoid being dismissive of their feelings and position by insisting that they'll change how they feel or pushing them into romantic situations they are not interested in," she says.

If this is a person with whom it's appropriate to dive into a deeper conversation about their identity and feelings on relationships, Miles does encourage asking questions.

While it's easy to assume that being aromatic means someone doesn't have the capacity to love, the assumption couldn't be more wrong. As Menezes says, love can take on many forms and shapes, and it can look and feel different to different people.