What Does Demisexual Mean? FAQs About This Nuanced Sexual Identity

These days, expanding language around sexual identity has allowed for more and more individuals to discover and step into their true sexual selves. One increasingly popular term is demisexual, which falls under the asexual umbrella.

Demisexual is used to refer to someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction unless or until they've developed a close emotional connection with another person, according to sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D. The prefix demi means "half," and in the scope of sexuality, it represents a person whose experience with attraction falls somewhere in between asexuality (which describes people who generally don't experience sexual attraction) and allosexuality (which describes people who do experience sexual attraction).

If you're wondering whether you might be demisexual, take a moment to reflect on the last time or the last handful of times you found yourself experiencing sexual attraction. How did that happen for you? Was the attraction immediate and intense, or did it take a while to blossom as you got to know the person? Have you ever caught yourself daydreaming about having sex with someone you didn't have an emotional bond with, or does that basically never happen for you?

It's incredibly common for demisexual people to develop feelings of attraction to good friends or others with whom they have a strong degree of connection or intimacy, Queen says.

According Casey Tanner, a certified sex therapist and sexpert for LELO, since physical attraction typically plays a lesser role in the development of feelings for demisexuals, other forms of attraction are often at the forefront in their relationships.

"For example, they might find themselves drawn in by the way someone thinks—a form of intellectual attraction. Alternatively, they might build a bond through repeated experiences that feel romantic. Often, there is some combination of different forms of attraction at play," Tanner says.

"Being demisexual doesn't mean you can't also identify with other sexualities such as homosexuality, pansexuality, bisexuality, and even asexuality," White explains.

The sexuality spectrum holds a number of sexual identities and expressions. And as language and humans evolve, that number will only grow. As such, there are folks who easily identify with more than one sexual identity. Demisexuality describes where a person falls on the allosexual–asexual spectrum, but it doesn't necessarily describe what kinds of people you are and aren't attracted to, which is where other identity terms might come in. So, for example, a person could be both gay and demisexual, bisexual and asexual, or a completely different combination.

Since demisexuals require an emotional connection, there's a common misconception that these individuals won't have sex until they're "in love." However, Queen says this isn't always the case. "Many demisexuals can and do have sex without this connection—but lots of people wind up having sex without much attraction because we, demisexuals included, have sex for so many different reasons." 

When it comes to sexual pleasure and demisexuality, the overall approach will vary from person to person. But the more time you spend connecting with yourself and discovering your feelings around sex, the better you'll be able to please yourself and openly communicate your needs to your partner(s). This will also help you to articulate what you don't want when it comes to sexual pleasure.

"You absolutely should not feel obligated or pressured to engage in a sexual experience that you are not comfortable with," White says. "Remember to do what you feel works best for you. With that being said, don't be afraid to try new things in the bedroom with yourself or a partner, if you're up for it. Make sure to set boundaries with your partner and also yourself."

If your partner identifies as demisexual, it's important to honor their boundaries and not pressure them around having sex.

If your partner has a lower sex drive than you or simply isn't interested in sex just yet due to their demisexuality, White recommends approaching with an "'I' perspective, accompanied by a specific desire, as well as a bridge statement wanting to understand the way they feel as well."

By using this framework, you will be giving your partner the "chance to hear how you feel while getting invited into a vision of how you'd like to explore intimacy together," says White. "This also takes the pressure off and allows them to mirror back a response so that you have both been heard." 

White says it's worth keeping in mind that you don't always need to immediately find a solution during these conversations, but your focus should remain on deepening your connection with your demisexual partner. And remember, there's no rush. Take your time to allow your intimacy to naturally emerge. Especially with demisexual people, building your emotional connection as a couple will be key to building a sexual connection. 

In the meantime, it can be helpful to find other ways of exploring intimacy together. White recommends using love languages to understand how to best do that.

Assigning a label to sexuality may feel a bit arbitrary or like being trapped inside a box for some people. For others, these labels are very important. 

"For folks with marginalized identities, having a shared language can create a sense of community and safety in a world that is often unsupportive of diversity. Whereas straight, cis folks can move through the world feeling fairly certain that the majority of people they meet will share those identities, folks who have marginalized sexual identities cannot. Furthermore, these identities are often invisible, so appearance alone does not indicate whether or not an identity is shared," Tanner tells mbg.

Labels also have the power to "give you more confidence in creating boundaries and expectations in your relationships that feel loving and supportive to you," according to White.