12 Possible Reasons You're Single + What To Do If You Don't Want To Be

So, you want a serious relationship, but it's just not happening for you.

There are so many reasons people remain single even when they don't want to be, ranging from unconscious self-sabotage to systemic barriers to simple, uncontrollable happenstance.

First and foremost, many people remain single because they simply haven't prioritized their dating life in any active way. They might dream of being in a committed relationship someday, yet they don't make time for social events or dates, brush off people who express interest, and keep their lives so busy that they wouldn't have time even if the right person came knocking on their door today. Work, exercise, friends, and hobbies take precedence, while dating is treated as an afterthought or given the ol' "if it happens, it happens" energy.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with prioritizing other parts of your life over dating, and if that's just what's most important to you at this time, own that and do it proudly! You get to decide what your priorities are, and your dating life can happen on the timeline that you choose. As well, sometimes you're in a period in your life when dating simply can't be a priority, even if you want it to be (e.g., you're raising young kids, you're dealing with grief or mental health struggles, etc.)—so cut yourself some slack.

"Fear is one of the top reasons I see people staying single," sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., tells mbg. "This includes fear of rejection, fear of starting an online dating profile, and fear of putting their intentions to be partnered forward."

Not in the clichéd way, but in the numbers way!

According to clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., sometimes people remain single longer than they might want to be because they simply haven't met the right person yet. "Despite the quest to be partnered, some people find that they can't find the right fit," she tells mbg.

Now, sometimes people remain single because they actually have a faulty "radar" or "picker" for suitable partners—that is, the type of people they're attracted to or attempt to date are generally not the best for them.

"In some cases, the inability to find a suitable partner is due to overly high expectations," Manly says.

"At the opposite end of the spectrum, some remain single because they don't set the bar high enough—and some don't bother setting a standard at all," Manly points out.

While we need to be careful not to have unrealistic expectations of partners, it's important to still have some standards in terms of what behaviors you will and will not accept. People can find themselves perpetually single if they keep letting in people who cross their boundaries or disrespect them—or if they keep allowing themselves to date people that they just aren't quite interested in or compatible with.

Speaking of disappointing others, Battle points out that, in some cases, you yourself might be lacking important relationship skills or lessons that are necessary to sustain healthy relationships. "Consider that there may be things you can work on as a dater," she says.

Beyond just our exes, there are other wounds from our past that can seep into the current way we pursue and move through relationships, according to Manly. "Unresolved trauma often gets in the way of finding a loving partner," she explains.

"Being single is probably not all your fault," Battle reassures. "Dating can be an undeniable minefield, especially for minorities of any kind, fat folks, people with disabilities, etc."

While there's been much progress in the way of body positivity and inclusivity, the unfortunate truth is that many people are much slower to incorporate these beliefs into their dating lives. Sexual racism, ableism, fatphobia, and all kinds of biases infiltrate the way people interact with each other and choose to date who they date—and who they won't.

Many people yearn for the old days, when everyone met their partners in bars and church groups. Of course, plenty of folks still do meet their partners that way, and you can too. But it's important to recognize that more and more people today are turning to dating apps as their preferred way to meet potential life partners, and many of the people you used to be able to meet out on the town are now looking for the love of their life online—meaning, to maximize your odds, you may need to go to where the crowds are. (To help, we did the work of rounding up the best dating apps for serious relationships.)

Some people remain single because, deep down, they simply don't want a relationship or could happily live without one. There is immense societal pressure on all of us (women especially) to couple up and get married, and sometimes, people internalize that pressure and begin to believe that the desire to partner up is coming from within—when it's actually coming from outside themselves, exclusively.

"It is absolutely normal to be single, either by choice or because you haven't found what you're looking for," says Battle.

"If you're asking yourself why you're still single, slow down to ponder why," Manly recommends. "Start by taking a look at whether or not you truly want to be partnered or if others' expectations are pushing you toward wanting a romantic relationship."

If you do earnestly seek partnership, spend some time taking a deep dive into your dating life. Manly recommends journaling about your past experiences to see if there are any unhealed wounds or traumas that may be getting in your way, as well as reflecting on the expectations you have for a partner and a relationship. Are they too high? Too low? Nonexistent? Unrealistic?

Once you've done the work of taking a close look into your dating life, it's time to lean into this part of your life in a more active way.

"I recommend taking whatever small step toward their goal of partnership makes sense for them," says Battle. "It might mean throwing up a dating profile for the first time. Or it might mean being honest with themselves and their friends that they're ready to start trying the search again. Small steps add up over time and help you get more comfortable with the uncomfortable process of dating."

Manly also suggests finding new ways to put yourself out there, such as joining a hiking club, taking a class, or getting involved with a volunteering group—all places where you can start to meet new people and expand your circle. And if you're not on the dating apps yet? Do it!

As far as your dating profile goes, Battle recommends getting real about who you are and what you're looking for right there in your profile.

Being single isn't a curse! Even if you deeply desire partnership in the long run, you can still enjoy being single in the meantime.

"If you feel uncomfortable being single, pause to consider where the discomfort stems from. For example, is it pressure from friends, family, society, or an internal sense of being a 'fifth wheel'? Whatever the source(s) of discomfort, face them head-on so that you're freed of the pressure to be partnered," Manly recommends.

Being in a healthy, loving relationship is one of life's great pleasures. At the same time, it's certainly not necessary for having a full and happy life, and many people choose to be single for their entire lives and do so joyfully.

Now, if you're someone who does want a long-term partnership but has yet to experience it, or often struggles to make relationships work when they do come along, you'll need to look closely at your dating history and patterns to understand what barriers might be standing in your way—whether they're coming from your circumstances or from within.