The Conversation Every Couple Should Have Before Their First Family Holiday

When it comes to the holidays, there are often many different people with differing expectations—which can require management, especially if you are managing both you and your partner's families.

Spending time with in-laws or with one's own parents may induce feelings of dread, insecurity, or anger that make the holidays stressful for couples. There might be political differences that cause tensions. There may be issues related to gender, sexuality, or race that cause hurt feelings or conflict. You or your partner may feel unwelcome or not accepted into one another's families. There may be wounds from the past with certain family members that trigger reactivity and conflict. There might be personalities in the family that trigger you. The list is endless.

When we partner with someone, we also partner with their family, which can be a wonderful or challenging aspect of being in partnership. "Every marriage is a cross-cultural experience regardless of whether people are from different or the same cultures," renowned relationship researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., once told CNN in an interview.

Let me paint you a little picture of what this culture shock can look like. A couple that I was working with came into the office after Christmas and began to process a recent conflict related to the holidays.

Brenda said to me, "When we got to Christmas dinner her family had ordered pizzas! Everyone sat around the living room with plates on their laps watching It's a Wonderful Life! No one talked to one another, and everyone was on their phones the whole time." She looked at me with desperation as tears began to stream down her face.

She continued, "Christmas with my family is all about a home-cooked meal at a beautifully decorated table. There aren't any phones allowed at the table, and everyone engages in conversation with one another. I sat there the whole time feeling so scared, sad, and angry. Like, is this going to be what the holidays are like forever? I don't know if I can agree to that."

Meanwhile, her partner, Ellen, sitting next to her on the couch began to become more and more agitated. "This is my family's holiday tradition! You sound so superior and dismissive of my family. It's really hurtful!"

Here you can ask your partner for what they can do to respond to your stated feeling and need: "It would mean a lot to me if you sat next to me on the couch and talked to me about the movie, the food, or anything so I don't feel so uncomfortable and lonely."

It takes time for couples to adjust to one another's families. It's totally normal for couples to begin to see their respective families in a different light as they experience each other's different family cultures. It takes time to learn how to communicate, prioritize the relationship, clarify boundaries, adjust expectations, and accept one another's differences.