Whole30 Co-Founder Melissa Hartwig's Invaluable Advice On How To Say 'I'm Sorry'

I'm in a relatively unique position to write this how-to: I've both messed up big-time AND done so in a spectacularly public fashion. Like, I’ve stepped in it in front of hundreds of thousands of people, offending entire population groups in a single ill-conceived Instagram post.

Most recently, I wrote a post about a social media celebrity sharing their “modified Whole30” on Instagram Stories. (For those of you who follow me, you know how I feel about modifying the Whole30.) So in my famous tough-love fashion… I called them out. Publicly. “Hey, XXX,” I wrote, “You’re such a role model as a parent, an entrepreneur, and an advocate for representation. How is a badass like you going out to a square of chocolate?”

My intentions were good, but I immediately got a mild icky-belly feeling; the first indicator that I had messed up somewhere. Still, I meant well, I told myself, so I let it be and walked away from my phone for an hour. When I returned to my feed, my community had spoken. “Calling someone out in public is not the way this should have been handled.” “This was a cheap shot; not what I would have expected from you.” “This feels like public shaming to me.”

Taken aback, I responded to those comments defensively; the second indicator that I messed up.At this point, however, I’m seriously evaluating the effect of my post, and started doing The Work (my go-to analysis whenever I’m feeling “off”).

Finally, the celebrity responded in a truly classy fashion, posting, “If you have the willpower to do the real Whole30, you should! I just know that if I am realistic about my goals, I’ll stick to them more.” By this time, thanks to The Work,I realized I was operating outside of my integrity. It’s not my business how they run their Whole30; at most I should have privately offered my unconditional support, then stepped back.

In summary, I deleted the post, spent time crafting an apology, and posted it publicly to my community. (I also sent one to the celebrity.) That day sucked … but for my own personal growth, it was a valuable lesson. In today’s social media world, building fierce loyalty within your community takes hundreds of posts, replies, and direct message exchanges, often requiring years of engagement. But destroying the trust and reputation you’ve worked so hard to build with your following can happen in an instant: one post, one comment, one tweet.

In a space where people judge your character based on a single post or paragraph, you’re making a first impression every minute of every day, and second chances can be hard to come by. The art of apology has been one of the most important social skills I’ve ever crafted.

You are not your actions. You are simply a well-intentioned/confused/hurt person who did something regrettable. Beating yourself up doesn't help. Holding onto it doesn't help. Burying it and trying to "move on" won’t help, either. What truly sets you free is acknowledging the ways you were out of your integrity, taking full ownership, noting the lesson, and moving on.

That's a form of self-love all unto itself.