45 Small Ways To Be More Romantic In Your Relationships
You've probably heard a couple's story of how they met get described as being "so romantic," or the phrase might be used to describe a particularly dramatic or meaningful gesture from one person toward the object of their affection. Some people might even describe themselves as a "hopeless romantic" in general. But what does that word really mean?
Here's what romance is really all about, plus how to be a more romantic partner in your relationship.
What does it mean to be romantic?
Being romantic is about expressing love and dedication in a way that's intentional, unmistakable, and deeply affectionate. It often involves dramatic or passionate gestures, though smaller actions that indicate enduring affection can also be romantic.
The word romantic stems from the Latin word Romanus or Romanicus, which literally meant "Roman" or "from Rome." Throughout the Middle Ages, the old French adopted the word romanz, meaning "of the Roman vernacular," to describe both a specific type of Latin speech as well as the literature written in that vernacular style—which generally featured tales of knights, chivalry, and passion. Over time, the word "romance" began to become associated with dramatic love stories in general.
That's part of why romance today is often associated with over-the-top gestures between lovers. "Being romantic involves creating a sense of passion, anticipation, and excitement within a relationship," clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., tells mbg. "Romantic partners don't need to be a specific personality type; they can be introverts, ambiverts, or extroverts. A romantic partner, however, does need to be attentive, thoughtful, willing, creative, and considerate of [their] partner's secret (and not-so-secret) longings."
Qualities of a romantic person:
"Whether you bring your partner a love-filled cup of coffee each morning, lather each other's backs in the shower, or enjoy holding hands as you walk, true romance is all about showing your love for each other in consistent, meaningful ways," Manly says. "Consistent displays of meaningful attention (whether it's kissing, small token gifts, touch, or whispering 'sweet nothings') can keep a romantic mood alive every day."
"The most romantic of partners are those who are mindful of their significant other's needs and desires in passionate, thoughtful ways," Manly says. "The most important habit shift to make if trying to become more romantic is attentiveness. If you become tuned in to what your partner wants and needs, you can craft spontaneous surprises and long-term romantic patterns that will eternally thrill your partner."
Importantly, a romantic person doesn't just offer a bunch of gifts and sweet nothings with no real meaning behind them. A huge part of what makes someone or something romantic is the idea that the love and passion they offer is unwavering and enduring, and it's uniquely offered to a specific person. That's what separates a romantic person from a flirt: the intensity, longevity, and specificity of their feelings.
That's why the most romantic speeches or love letters, for example, are often highly personalized: "For a longtime love, you want to talk about memories, overcoming obstacles together, what made you fall in love initially, why you still love them today, and what you see in the future," Lia Miller, M.A., MPA, MSW, a writer and clinically trained social worker, writes at mbg.
A tendency for big gestures
The original concept of romance came from stories of the chivalrous deeds of knights willing to lay down their lives for love. In modern times, dramatic gestures are still associated with the idea of romance: traveling long distances to surprise the person you love, proposing in front of a big crowd of people, or even simply talking about your future together early on in a relationship.
Romantic people might also specifically describe their love for someone in highly sentimental, cosmic, or larger-than-life terms, such as describing their lovers as "soul mates," talking about how fate brought them together, or declaring that their love will last them to the grave and beyond. They may have a tendency to idealize their partner or their relationship as well, which may not exactly be a healthy tendency, despite the romanticism of it.
On the flip side, not everyone will consider sweeping gestures and over-the-top declaration of love to be romantic. Sometimes being a romantic person is simply about being highly present, warm, and affectionate with your partner in the day-to-day moments.
Being a romantic person means setting a tone of affectionate love and passion year-round, not just on special occasions like Valentine's Day or someone's birthday, Manly points out.
"A true romantic partner tends to 'date' [their] significant other throughout the relationship rather than devoting romantic energy to only one or two hallmark dates per month or year," she explains. "Being a true romantic is a way of life."
38 ways to be romantic.
Here are just a few ideas for how to be romantic, from big gestures to small habits you can sprinkle on your daily life together:
- Tell them you love them, often.
- Write a love letter reminding your partner of all the reasons you love them.
- Engage in more sensual foreplay ideas.
- Practice having slower, more emotionally connected sex.
- Take note when your partner mentions something they want, and buy it as a present for them.
- Plan a romantic getaway with your partner from top to bottom, so they don't have to think about any of the planning details.
- Always kiss your partner good morning, good night, hello, and goodbye.
- After you get to the end of a day together, tell your partner the things you liked most about the day together.
- Journal about your dates and experiences with your partner so you remember them in detail.
- Reminisce about your fondest memories together—bring up specific details about your partner and the way you felt about them in those moments.
- Ask your partner what makes them feel loved, and then do those things.
- Remember important dates and events your partner has coming up, and check in on them on those days asking how things went or celebrating getting over the milestones.
- Surprise your partner at work with a homemade lunch or meal from their favorite restaurant.
- Make your partner breakfast in bed.
- Come up from behind your partner while they're doing something and wrap your arms around them.
- Hold your partner's hand, or put your arm around them in public.
- Drop in mentions of how much you love your partner while hanging out in group settings.
- When you know your partner is going to have a hard day at work, show up at their office at the end of the day to walk home with them.
- Compliment your partner often.
- Write your partner poetry.
- Watch romantic movies together, and then start bringing in the sweetest lines into how you talk to your partner.
- If you don't live together, text your partner good night every night.
- Talk about what you envision your future together to be like.
- Spark some romantic conversations every now and then! (Here are some conversation starters for couples.)
- Don't fall asleep after sex—instead, cuddle and tell your partner what you liked about your sexual experience.
- If they like physical touch, touch your partner when you talk to them: Rest your hand on their knee, rub their arm, or hold hands.
- Bring back souvenirs for them when you come back from trips so they know you were thinking about them.
- If you see something in a store that you know they'd like, buy it for them—just because.
- Go all out on date nights every now and then: candles, music, cooking special meals, the whole nine yards.
- Suggest new ideas for things to do together as a couple.
- When they're talking to you, really listen—put away any tech, make eye contact, and fully engage in the conversation.
- Get creative with how you express your love: Use metaphors, reference past memories, and go beyond just "I love you."
- When you feel something warm and affectionate about your partner at the moment, just say it out loud.
- Make your partner coffee, tea, or their preferred drink in the morning before they even get up.
- Do small things around the house that you know will make your partner's life easier.
- Don't worry about trying to play it cool—lean into sentimentality.
- Kiss your partner in places other than on the lips: Try their forehead, back of the hand, or shoulder.
- Ask your partner what they find romantic, and do that.
"Given that we all have different preferences and needs, what is romantic to one person may not be at all romantic to another," Manly reminds. "As such, the true romantic takes the time and energy to study the desires of another in order to create or heighten a loving, passionate mood."
Kelly Gonsalves is a multi-certified sex educator and relationship coach helping people figure out how to create dating and sex lives that actually feel good — more open, more optimistic, and more pleasurable. In addition to working with individuals in her private practice, Kelly serves as the Sex & Relationships Editor at mindbodygreen. She has a degree in journalism from Northwestern University, and she’s been trained and certified by leading sex and relationship institutions such as The Gottman Institute and Everyone Deserves Sex Ed, among others. Her work has been featured at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.
With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be.
You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter