11 Reasons A Guy Might Not Want To Sleep With You & What To Do
Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.
There's still a common assumption that all men always want sex all the time any time it's available to them—and that's simply not true. There are many reasons a guy might not want to have sex with someone, ranging from a lack of interest in that person to a lack of interest in sex in general. If your crush or boyfriend doesn't want to sleep with you, here are some of the many things that could mean and what you should do next:
1. He's not in the mood.
Sometimes a guy is just not in the mood to have sex, and there's not really any deeper meaning to it. Maybe your date with him that night was more goofy and chummy than sexy and flirty, so his head was just not in a sexual zone. It doesn't necessarily mean he's not interested in you or that he wouldn't want to have sex with you at another time.
2. He's not interested in you.
Maybe you've tried to initiate sex, or you've intentionally put you and this guy into sexy situations hoping something would happen. If he hasn't taken the bait or has directly turned you down, it's possible that he's just not interested in you. In other words, he doesn't see you in a romantic or sexual light and is not attracted to you in that way, and that's why he doesn't want to have sex with you.
That said, a lack of interest in sex doesn't necessarily mean that a guy doesn't want to date you. Some people prefer to take their time and wait until things are more serious before having sex with someone, and some people are simply not as interested in sex as they are in other aspects of getting to know a new partner. If you're not sure where your guy stands, it's best to just ask him about it, ideally in a nonsexual setting.
3. He wants to wait until your relationship is further along.
Some people—guys included—don't want to have sex until the relationship reaches a certain stage. For example, some people only have sex when the relationship is "official" or exclusive, and some people only have sex in the context of marriage. Sometimes it's also less about the relationship labels or milestones and more about the emotional connection. In other words, they may only want to have sex when they feel emotionally connected to someone or when they're in love.
"Intimacy is vast and is defined differently by everyone," clinical sexologist Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., writes at mbg. Not everyone needs emotions to be involved in sex, but for some people, "Emotional intimacy often bolsters sexual intimacy."
4. He's waiting for the right time.
Sometimes people have a specific idea of how they want sexual experiences to go, particularly when it comes to having sex for the first time with a new partner. It's possible that your guy does want to have sex with you and just wants to wait for a particularly sexy, romantic, or passionate moment to do it. If there are other signs of attraction between you, sex might be right around the corner.
5. He doesn't realize you want to have sex.
Not everyone is great at sensing when someone wants to have sex with them. If a guy isn't sure whether his partner wants sex, he might avoid initiating sex because he doesn't want them to be uncomfortable. Alternatively, he may not even have sex on his radar because he doesn't know you're thinking about him in that way—and maybe he would want it if he realized you were interested.
6. He's not a very sexual person.
Some people—including some guys—are simply not that interested in sex. He might be asexual, or he might just not get turned on that easily and just doesn't really think about sex that often. "There is nothing wrong with being asexual," licensed social worker Kryss Shane, LSW, recently told mbg. "Some never feel the need to seek out trying to increase their desire for sexual intimacy."
If this is the case for your guy, it might be worth just opening up a conversation about what sex means to you and what kind of sex life you envision for your relationship, so you two can get on the same page.
7. He's dealing with a lot of stress in his personal life.
Stress can be a libido killer. If someone is extremely busy at work, or if they have a big issue playing out in their personal life that's causing a lot of stress, it can be hard to find the time, energy, or motivation for sex.
"Men, just like women, can get stuck in their heads, finding it hard to let everything go and get in the mood," AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., writes at mbg. "For many people, stress and worry shut down the systems that would create sexual desire."
It's possible your guy has a lot on his plate right now that's making it hard to concentrate on having fun and getting turned on. In fact, he may prefer more low-key activities like watching movies, getting dinner, and having fun conversations because they help him relax in an otherwise stressful time.
8. He's depressed.
9. He has other health issues that affect his sex drive.
There can sometimes be other root causes of a lowered libido tied to overall health, from heart disease to diabetes to hormonal imbalances. Some health medications can also affect a person's sex drive, functional medicine practitioner Will Cole, IFMCP, DNM, D.C., writes at mbg. "Common medications like antidepressants, blood pressure medications, painkillers, and antihistamines can cause low sex drive and erectile dysfunction in some people."
10. He's nervous.
Maybe your guy really does want to have sex with you but is just a little nervous about it, whether because they're worried you'll reject them, because they're worried about how "good" they are in bed (performance anxiety is a thing!), or because they get nervous about sex in general.
If you suspect your guy's nerves are getting the best of him, it can help to just signal to him that you're attracted to him and do want to have sex with him and that he doesn't have to worry about meeting some standard. Help him relax and have fun.
11. He's upset about something in your relationship.
If you and this guy have had sex in the past and your sexual relationship has suddenly changed, any of the above reasons could be why he suddenly doesn't want to sleep with you. Alternatively, it's also possible that something else has changed in the relationship—maybe you have an ongoing fight or conflict that hasn't been resolved yet, or there's something he's upset or worried about that hasn't been addressed yet.
"While some people are happy to still share sex with their partner despite any negativity in the relationship, plenty of people of all genders are going to avoid it," Zimmerman says. "And sometimes people withhold sex out of anger and frustration."
What to do when a guy doesn't want to sleep with you:
Talk to him about it.
At the end of the day, no one can tell you why this guy doesn't want to have sex with you other than he himself. So just ask him about it!
No matter what stage of a relationship you're in—whether you're in a committed relationship or you've just hung out a few times after meeting on an app—it's helpful to just be open and direct when it comes to sex. Even if things are casual between you or if you're still very early in the process of getting to know each other, you can still start a conversation about sex to get on the same page. On your next date, bring up the topic of sex and ask him how he feels about having sex with new people. You can even go in a fun and flirty direction depending on how the conversation goes; just make sure to read his body language to gauge if that's where he's at.
If you're already in a committed, serious, or exclusive relationship of some sort with this person, find a good time to ask them how they feel about sex and how they see your shared sex life together. Ask if there's any particular reason he hasn't been interested in sex, and see if there's anything you can do to address his concern.
Respect his boundaries.
If a guy directly tells you he doesn't want to have sex with you, take no for an answer. Never pressure someone into having sex when they don't want to have it. Likewise, if you try to initiate sex and he rebuffs you, let it go and give him space. If you're interested in dating this person or are in a relationship with him already, find a time to open up a conversation about sex in a nonsexual setting that feels relaxed, open, and nonthreatening.
Flirt and initiate.
If neither of you has initiated sex yet on a date, don't be afraid to make the first move! Your guy might be waiting for a clear signal that you're sexually interested, so go in on the flirting or start a heavy makeout session and see where things go. If he's not into it, refer to the above two tips and back off.
Sometimes people just need time to warm up, get comfortable, or get to know a new partner better before they're ready to have sex. Or if your guy has been dealing with stress or another issue that's been affecting his libido, give him the time and support he needs. You can express that sex is on your mind if you'd like so he knows where you're at while also giving him compassion and patience.
If you're not on the same page, move on.
It's important to be willing to let a relationship go if you two aren't aligned with what you want. If he's not interested in you or if you have different sexual needs, you may need to accept that you two aren't compatible and be willing to walk away.
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