7 Truths About The Link Between Emotional & Sexual Intimacy, From A Therapist

When was the last time you felt connected with your partner? That feeling of safety and security in your relationship?

When you hear the word intimacy, what comes to mind? Often people immediately think of sex or physical closeness when they hear the word, but in reality, that's just one narrow definition.

Two of the most powerful types of intimacy are emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy.

Emotional intimacy is being able to share your feelings. Being emotionally intimate with another person means being vulnerable and knowing that you're not going to be hurt by them. This ability to share your emotions, outlook, and feelings grows your connection as a couple.

Sexual intimacy is being able to connect sexually with your partner in an emotionally and physically safe way. Sexual intimacy improves when two people can openly discuss needs, wants, or desires, creating a safe space where both individuals can communicate their physical and sexual needs without being judged.

When you get your emotional needs met and feel emotionally connected to your partner (that is, you have emotional intimacy), then you're often more able and willing to connect sexually. In other words, emotional intimacy often bolsters sexual intimacy.

You and your partner may define intimacy differently, and that's OK. Everyone sees intimacy differently because we have experienced it differently. Our past behavior, experience, and relationships are the lenses through which we view the world. These affect how we experience intimacy.

Even two people in a relationship can view intimacy differently. For example, you may want to connect with them by spending time alone where you both can relax and talk. On the other hand, your partner wants to connect with you, too, but they see having sex as the way to be close to you.

Both of you want intimacy, but it looks very different. Neither of you is wrong with how you see intimacy, but you each have different intimate needs.

We don't have a guidebook to tell us our emotional and sexual intimacy needs, so it's up to us to figure them out along the way.

Start by writing out your emotional needs. Think about what actions and words you use with your partner to feel emotionally connected. Examine your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and actions from the past to see what helped you feel connected. Then write out what actions or words your partner can take or say that help you feel emotionally connected to them.

Next, write out your sexual needs. Think about what you want more of, less of, your desires, turn-offs, and turn-ons. Then identify which of these you want to see improve or change.

Trust—that is, feeling safe with your partner and confident that they'll treat you well, keep their promises, and care for the relationship—is closely tied to intimacy. When intimacy (aka connection) improves, trust also improves. Trust and intimacy move in tandem. When one is down, so is the other. You can't have one without the other.

When trust is really good in your relationship, you feel emotionally connected to them. Trust is high, so therefore intimacy is high—often both emotionally and sexually.

Trust and intimacy move together in a relationship, meaning if there is a decrease in trust, then there is a decrease in intimacy. That means working on building trust in a relationship is a key part of fostering more intimacy between you.

To do that, start with accepting that trust isn't an all-or-nothing thing. Think of it like this: Trust moves up and down a scale of zero to 10 throughout the day. If you're feeling connected to your partner and things are going well, your trust level is on the higher end. If your partner says or does something that doesn't feel good to you, your trust goes down on the scale at the moment.

Some people make the mistake of saying they don't trust their partner. However, they're still in a relationship with them. If you are in a relationship, your trust in them is at least a one on the scale, or you wouldn't be with them.