How To Be A Genuinely Helpful Spouse, From Couples' Therapists

"Being a helpful spouse truly depends on each person's individual ideas about helpfulness," couples' therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC, tells mbg. Looking through the lens of the five love languages, it's easy to see how that concept can be defined in many ways, she says. 

Becoming more attuned to their everyday emotions will ensure you're helping them in the ways they need. "Pay attention to the small things your partner says about tasks that are a burden," Muñoz says. 

For example, "If your partner says, I don't know how I'm going to find time to mail these letters, make a mental note of that, and do it for them," she suggests. If they get stressed out preparing a meal, chop the vegetables and measure out the ingredients for them. If they have a presentation coming up at work, agree to take the kids out for the afternoon so your spouse has uninterrupted time to prepare.

Being a helpful spouse sometimes means sacrificing your own time and energy. It's important to do that non-begrudgingly, says licensed marriage and family therapist Weena Wise, LMFT, and having a flexible mindset can help. "Being willing to meet our partner's needs and consider their preferences, especially when they fall outside of our comfort zone, is a characteristic of a helpful spouse," Cullins tells mbg. 

"When a task is particularly heavy or burdensome, this can be a huge sacrifice on your part while being a tremendous help to your spouse," Cullins says. However, if you complain to your spouse each time you do the task, it no longer feels like a genuine act of love. Over time, it could even lead to resentment.

Participating in something solely for your spouse's benefit can "serve as motivation for your partner to overcome a fear or procrastination or allow them to enjoy something they've wanted to experience with you, despite your lack of interest in the activity," Cullins says. 

If you want to be helpful to your spouse but don't have time that week, let them know. "Expressing that to your partner can go a long way toward helping them feel seen, cared for, and supported," Muñoz says. 

Here's an example of how to communicate that: 

I know you've got a lot on your plate right now, and I wish I could be more helpful. I hate that I don't have time to do more for you, but I'll make more time to support you next week. 

On top of being a helpful spouse, it's important to show appreciation for having one. "Going back to love languages, knowing what makes your partner feel loved will help you know how to show appreciation when they're helpful," Muñoz says. "If your partner lights up when you give them gifts, then spontaneously buy them a bouquet of peonies or roses, along with a note expressing your gratitude. If physical touch means more to them, then offer to give them a back or foot rub." 

Showing gratitude will go a long way in sustaining a healthy and supportive partnership. Just remember not to go over the top if your partner doesn't like being fussed over.

Willingness to be flexible and helpful to your spouse is a critical component of a healthy marriage. Paying attention to how your partner likes to receive help, knowing where they might need it most, and relieving them of burdensome tasks without complaint are just a few ways to show support. And when life gets too busy for you, communicating that to your partner and asking for help yourself is also vital.