15 Small Ways To Be A Better Husband, From A Marriage Therapist
There is no magic potion or checklist that will make any one man the perfect husband. That said, as a marriage therapist who regularly works with couples on improving their relationships, I can definitely say there are certain tools and skills all married men should have on their toolbelt that can help them be a better husband.
Here are just a handful of them:
Ask this question: "How can I love you better this week?"
A person's wants and needs can change regularly. It is important to check in with your spouse to see what is needed from you to love them better. It may be help with the kids, a back massage, more cuddling, or simply just checking in throughout the day. Asking the question not only allows them to directly tell you how to be a better husband, but it lets them know that you care.
Share a six-second kiss.
I know what you are thinking: Who counts how long they kiss?
Well, it may be something to try out. Sharing a kiss like this is not the same as just a peck on the lips. A six-second kiss is long enough to make your spouse feel like they're wanted by you. It is not long enough to get all hot and bothered, but it acknowledges the attraction you both share—and could add some sexual charge that might make sex more likely to be on the table later in the day. Thank me later!
Talk about how you met.
When was the last time you and your spouse talked about how you met? Have a conversation taking a walk down memory lane: Where did you meet? What was your first date like? Life can throw us some crazy curveballs. Sometimes, it is important to remind yourself (and your partner) of why you chose to marry each other in the first place. (Here are some romantic conversation starters for couples for a little inspo.)
Speak their love language.
Knowing and speaking your spouse's love language can save you tons of time. According to marriage counselor Gary Chapman, Ph.D., there are five main love languages: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and gifts. Make sure to show your spouse love the way they want to be loved, not the way you want to be loved. You may enjoy receiving gifts, but all your spouse may want is a hug!
Know your spouse's apology language.
Did you even know an apology language was a thing? Similar to a love language, a person's apology language is the specific way they like to receive apologies. This is important when dealing with conflict resolution and can be the determining factor when trying to get past a disagreement. If you don't know how your spouse likes receiving apologies, open up a conversation about it to see what they find meaningful.
Take responsibility for what you can.
Everything is not your spouse's fault! Sometimes you're the one creating the trouble, or you're at least both contributors to it. Taking responsibility for your behavior is extremely necessary. If you never take responsibility, that is equivalent to saying you are perfect and never make mistakes. We all know that is not true. Get into the habit of owning up when you are wrong and saying these powerful three words: I am sorry.
Do not make assumptions.
Sometimes you might think you know your spouse so well that you know how they're going to feel about any given situation. But when you assume what your spouse is thinking, it opens the doors for conflict and stress—because you may not be giving them space to tell you what's really going on in their head, and they may feel like it is your way or the highway. To avoid making assumptions, all you need to do is be curious. Ask questions, get additional information, and make sure the communication is clear between you and your spouse.
Forgive—sooner and often.
I always say marriage is two people getting really good at forgiving one another. If you cannot forgive your partner for the little things they have done, it will be a long journey to healing and wholeness.
Seek to understand, not to agree.
You and your spouse will not always see eye-to-eye when it comes to work schedules, personal goals, home responsibilities, finances, parenting, and so on. Your goal should be to understand their perspective and why they believe what they believe instead of trying to "win" them over to your side of the argument. When you understand each other, you're better able to compromise and collaborate on solutions that feel good for both parties.
Allow your spouse to have alone time.
You do not have to be in your spouse's presence 24/7. It is healthy for couples to spend time apart. Allowing your spouse to be away from you (and the children, if you have them) will refresh them. Spending time with friends, getting a hotel for a night alone, or having a self-care day will fill their cup. It also allows time for you two to miss each other, which can make you feel all the more affectionate when you come back together.
Take the load off.
We all need help from time to time. Whether your spouse verbalizes it or not, it is your responsibility to pay enough attention to your partner to know when to step in. It can be doing the laundry, helping the kids with virtual school, cooking a meal, doing the dishes, or cleaning. No matter what the task is, there should be shared responsibilities so your partner will not feel overwhelmed. (Here's a full guide on how to fairly share the housework.)
Work on your own individual issues.
I cannot tell you how many couples I have worked with who think they have "couple's’ issues" while in reality, it is their own individual issues that are creating the problem. If you struggle with organization, listening, empathy, self-esteem, money, cleanliness—those are individual areas for growth to work on as soon as possible, on your own. And remember: It's OK to seek professional help if needed!
Take a technology break!
Spend some quality time with your spouse without all the emails, social media notifications, text messages, cellphones, laptops, and tablets that can distract you from your partner's attention. Make it a task to spend a minimum of 15 minutes per day without any distractions.
Take the lead.
Don't wait for your spouse to ask you to do something—step up and take charge! Every spouse has strengths and areas for improvement. In the areas that you are good at and that come easily to you, take the lead. If you are good with finances, spearhead making the budget and setting goals for savings. If you are great with helping the kids with homework, make sure to do that nightly. Trust me, this will alleviate so much stress and make things easier as you continue to blend your lives together.
Keep up with your own health.
And not just your physical health—let's include your mental, emotional, spiritual, and relational health too. First of all, it's sexy when someone is striving to make improvements in all areas of their life. But also, your individual struggles in any area of your life can bleed into your marriage and cause more problems. For example, if one partner struggles with depression but is unwilling to seek professional care, the situation can undoubtedly affect the other partner, the relationship, and the whole family.
Incorporating the small changes listed below slowly over time can lead to long-lasting results. You may already be doing some of these (which is great!), and others may be brand-new ideas. No matter where you find yourself, I am confident making and sticking to this collection of small shifts can change your relationship for the better. It's like building a muscle: The more you do it, the stronger you become.
Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, TV personality, award-winning speaker, and the author of Hard Work Or Harmony?. She has appeared on OWN's hit TV show Love Goals and as a recurring expert on The Doctors, and her work has been featured in The New York Times, Oprah Magazine, Essence, VICE, and elsewhere. She was recently featured in HuffPost as one of the "10 Black Female Therapists You Should Know." She has a master's degree in Clinical Psychology from Azusa Pacific University.
As a relationship therapist in private practice at KW Couples Therapy, Jackson helps couples heal their relationship, prevent divorce, and keep families together while increasing sexual, physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. She has helped countless couples increase their intimacy, learn effective two-way communication, and heal after affairs.