While 50 Shades of Grey has everyone talking about S&M in the mainstream, that’s not the kind of masochism I’m talking about here, folks. Although that’s one definition of masochism, I’m more interested in the one that characterizes a person who is gratified by pain and degradation or finds pleasure in self-denial.
Wondering if you or someone around you is holding onto masochistic tendencies? See if any of these ten tell-tale traits sound familiar.
1. You can’t say “No.”
The number one sign that someone is a masochist is that they are unable to say no. “No” is not selfish or unkind — it's an act of radical self-care. It's a way to communicate that you’re not able to say yes without inflicting literal or metaphorical pain upon yourself. If you’re not sure whether to say yes or no, pause and take a breather. Does your inclination to say yes come from a desire to please someone or seek approval? Check your motivations and give yourself permission to be kind to yourself. Remember, “No” is a complete sentence, and it’s possible to say it with infinite compassion and tenderness.
2. You’re obsessive about pushing yourself to be “good.”
You’re religious about your morning meditation practice. You try and do yoga every day, even when you’re sick, and if you miss it, you feel awful. You won’t let yourself cheat on your vegan diet, even when it’s your birthday. You beat yourself up when you have too much to drink and gaining five pounds turns you into a self-berating exercise tyrant. Sweetheart, ease up. While there’s nothing wrong with discipline and good intentions, our quirks, eccentricities, triumphs and mistakes are what make us so beautifully human.
“No” is a complete sentence, and it’s possible to say it with infinite compassion and tenderness.
3. You get off on rescuing people, animals, or the planet.
The victim, the martyr, and the perpetrator are three roles in an unhealthy psychological cycle that many people feed into. The only way to unhook from this pattern is to simply opt out. Check your motivations any time you're called on for a favor.
If you’re driven by feelings of unworthiness that lead you to overcompensate, or by a fear of disappointing someone, go inward. Soothe the part of you that yearns to rescue, and rescue yourself this time instead.
4. You resist receiving blessings when others try to give them to you.
Many people, especially those with the healer archetype, tend to get uncomfortable when too many blessings flow their way. In order to turn this around, you'll have to practice “bench pressing" your receiving muscles.
Just like biceps, your receiving muscles need exercise. Try giving yourself what psychologist Anne Davin, PhD calls a “beauty bath.” Treat yourself to beauty in all forms — beautiful music, aromatherapy oils, a Rumi poem, fresh flowers, a symphony. Overdo it. Practice drinking in all the beauty instead of resisting it. We all deserve blessings — you do too.
5. You walk in the room and run straight for a narcissist.
I know, I know. Narcissists can be so sexy, charismatic, compelling and seductive. They’re magnetic and hard to avoid. But if you keep walking straight into that trap over and over, you’re definitely a masochist. Break the pattern now and choose to spare yourself the heartbreak and disappointment you’ll inevitably feel when you keep choosing to be the Echo to someone’s Narcissus.
6. You fail to stand up for yourself.
It’s one thing to be kind, compassionate and accommodating. It’s a whole other thing to let yourself become a doormat. Be soft and yielding, but also fierce and “unfuckwithable” (my chosen theme word for 2016!) Take a queue from the Tantric yoga tradition, and embrace all faces of the goddess — it’s a surefire way to turn masochism into self-love.
7. You’re addicted to perfectionism.
Life is messy. It's easy to become overwhelmed by a fear of being perceived as imperfect — a sort of fascism of the soul. Give your soul permission to be imperfect. It needs room to experiment, screw up, learn the hard way, rise above, go down under, and wrestle with the Dark Night of the Soul.
Be soft and yielding, but also fierce and “unfuckwithable”
8. You judge yourself for negative emotions.
There’s no way to avoid feeling sad, lost, disappointed, scared or angry sometimes. Spiritual bypassing — masking emotions by shifting your energy or monitoring your thoughts — always comes back to bite you. While it may help you avoid painful emotions in the short term, suppressing yourself is a soul-splintering sort of masochism. Try and feel what you feel without holding back or judging any emotion as “wrong.” Resist nothing. You’ll be surprised by how quickly most painful emotions pass when you relax into them.
9. You’re magnetized to drama.
Masochists see drama and run right into the heart of it. If you’re a drama junkie, ask yourself why. Doesn’t it hurt? Do you want to keep hurting? Give yourself permission to prioritize the people and situations that cultivate the stillness in you.
10. You run the other way if anything feels too yummy.
While I’m not suggesting that we should all turn into overindulgent hedonists, the inability to relax into simple pleasures is an obvious sign of masochism. Do you find yourself bored when life flows with ease? Do you have a story that says that everything good in life comes alongside pain? Well, it's time to rewrite the story. Allow yourself to experience infinite blessings without undue pain.
Make sure you’re not kicking yourself if some points on this list describe you. Just close your eyes and see yourself wrapped in great arms of love that nourish, comfort, protect, and love you unconditionally.
I personally have been through masochism and back. Read about my spiritual journey in my new memoir, Anatomy of a Calling, available for preorder now.