Some folks dream of being able to someday have an orgasm, while others get off from having their partner spoil their big O. Yep, you read that right—ruined orgasms are totally a thing that some people enjoy.

"A ruined orgasm is typically a type of control play found in the BDSM community whereby the dominant person gets the submissive person highly aroused and then leaves them hanging to experience a very low-quality, low- to no-sensation type of orgasm, if any at all," explains AASECT-certified sex therapist Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., LMFT, CST.

So rather than feeling a 10/10 euphoric explosion of pleasure, the sub would feel a not-so-satisfying 2/10 instead. Yay.

Ruined orgasms can happen by accident, too. In fact, you might've actually had one in the past!

"Many of us have experienced them; most of us just don't eroticize the experience," says sociologist and clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, Ph.D.

For example, she says one can occur if someone walks in on you masturbating or you get distracted right as you're about to finish. (I can vouch that that's happened to me before with a phone call from my mom, and it sucked.)

Does a ruined orgasm hurt or feel good for the person having it? Does it even feel like anything at all? Well, it can make the recipient feel...a few different things. Physically, it's kinda like blue balls.

"It can feel like a very subtle orgasm without the release, intensity, or climatic feeling typically experienced by orgasm," says Skyler. Melancon adds that "sometimes ruined orgasms can feel a bit painful or uncomfortable to feel the contractions of an orgasm without the pleasure." 

Emotionally, it can feel very frustrating, disappointing, and unsatisfying. "If the stimulation continues to a point where ejaculation is inevitable, his partner can still distract or humiliate him to ruin the sensation of orgasm," says Melancon. "In addition, the feeling of humiliation may accompany the experience regardless, especially if the 'ruined' partner twitches, spasms, moans, and groans at the sensation. It can feel embarrassing, as if they have no control over their own body."

Ironically, though, despite how sad ruined orgasms may sound like they feel, they can be pretty pleasurable if someone's super into them.

"Some men have a fetish for this and want their partner to ruin their orgasm," says Melancon. "These guys often enjoy the tease-and-denial aspect and/or want to be 'forced' to do something to 'earn' a good orgasm." 

Friendly reminder: Never assume it's OK to engage in a sexual activity without receiving enthusiastic consent from all parties.

Safewords or safe signals are important for communication and safety, explains Melancon. So before playing, remember to pick a unique word or action that either of you can express to stop the experience at any given time—no questions asked. 

"There aren't many true risks here, but if he's uncomfortable and wants to stop, he should be free to express himself, and it's a good idea to discuss how beforehand," she says. "Likewise, his partner should feel free to stop teasing him if she isn't feeling into it herself." 

Skyler reminds those interested in attempting ruined orgasms to read up on dominant/subordinate power dynamics before starting this type of play.

Ruined orgasms have to do with the amazing buildup and disappointing letdown of that otherwise long-awaited, exciting moment. That's where the art of teasing comes in!

Melancon reminds us that a ruined orgasm is when all stimulation is stopped just prior to orgasm. So right as he's about to orgasm, simply stop all movement and stimulation.

There's a pretty clear difference between ruined orgasms and edging, which involves getting right up to the point where you're about to orgasm, stopping temporarily, and then building back up again.

One results in maximum pleasure, whereas the other results in minimal pleasure. (Can you guess which is which?) 

"While edging is very pleasurable and results in a longer window of arousal followed typically by an intense orgasm. A ruined orgasm is like the arousal petering out without climax after getting highly aroused," Skyler explains. 

"Tease and deny is a related kink and is exactly what it sounds like—one partner teases the other until they're very aroused but stops before the point of orgasm," adds Melancon.

Ruined orgasms may not sound physically pleasurable, so what's the appeal for each party? Turns out there are many reasons people might enjoy ruined orgasms.

For one, it's a fetish (predominantly among men). But while it's more common for men to desire a ruined orgasm, Melancon says some women find it fun. "It really turns the dominant heterosexual script on its head, where his orgasm is no longer the most important or defining moment of sex."

However, a lot of the excitement boils down to having or lacking control.

"Partners may enjoy the power play and being able to choose where, when, how, and, most importantly, IF [they] get [their] pleasure," says Melancon.

Skyler adds that the power play appeal lies around the "short-term withholding and/or denial of physical pleasure for the larger, mental erotic charge. Many people playing in this arena enjoy giving up the physical sensations of more vanilla-known pleasure in order to experience a more mental [excitement] around power exchange."

Last but not least on the list of perks, ruined orgasms can even help people with penises last longer during sex.