Making Friends As An Adult Isn't Easy — Here Are 9 Places To Start

I'm sure some friendships coast and get there, drifting like a bottle thrown into the ocean and finally reaching land. But I think, more often, friendships are little ships set out to sea, with two people on board who've never been in a boat like this and have only passive knowledge of sailing, trying to steer it and keep it afloat and have fun along the way.

And even if you ask someone how to do it, most people just tell you, "Join a club!" or "Join a gym!" But if you're like me and you have no idea what kind of club you would join (a club for people obsessed with watching the same TV show over and over again? Those people are at home watching the same TV show over and over again) and either you already belong to a gym and you go there to exercise quietly and then leave, or you just really, really don't want to join a gym, here are some places to start:

If you're on social media or in any groups online, odds are you have someone who always replies to you, sends you messages, or likes all your posts. These are a lot of subtle interactions that could easily turn into "Dude, we should be friends maybe?" messages. So why not try?

You already have your friend in common, so it's worth it to see if you'd get along when it's just the two of you. I once knew a guy who had really cool friends, but honestly I was not that into the guy himself. One day, I ran into some of his friends on the subway, and it turns out they all thought I was really awesome and also didn't like that other guy. It was a beautiful moment. 

I can't tell you how often I've heard people tell me they came to my comedy shows by themselves and met really cool people they became friends with. And if the idea of this terrifies you, it's so helpful to see this less as "Oh no, I'm gonna look like a loser who is alone" and more like "What if I meet another cool person who is also there alone and we bond, and because I went alone, I created space for that to happen?" 

I once worked with a woman who was basically my best friend in the office and then, one day, it dawned on me: Who says she couldn't be my best friend in general? And lucky for me, she was just as hilarious and fun outside of work, if not more so.

Cool Drunk Sara is also probably Cool Sober Sara Who Loves Getting Tapas After Work. You won't know until you try.

This can be touchy depending on the situation, so obviously don't do this if you know it could pose a problem, but if you think your friend's girlfriend is really cool and there's a possible friendship there, go for it and see if you're right.

But in general, dogs are such a great icebreaker. When I'm with my dog, I meet multiple people every day who are extremely kind and cool to chat with. We might not become best friends just because our dogs played together for 10 minutes, but it can satisfy that need for connection in a really beautiful way. 

It can be easy to think your current friends aren't good enough for you or not giving you the things you want in the relationship and you should find new people, and sometimes that's true. But before you go off thinking it's not you, it's them (which it might be!), try reaching out and communicating and putting some more effort in and see if that helps things.

Sometimes you genuinely need to recharge and reschedule, which I fully encourage, but other times I need to remind myself to actually keep plans and take a chance that this might be exactly what I needed, even if solitude seems safer. And then I come home feeling so happy that I took the risk and left my cocoon for a bit.

Excerpt from the new book YOU WILL FIND YOUR PEOPLE: HOW TO MAKE MEANINGFUL FRIENDSHIPS AS AN ADULT by Lane Moore published by Abrams Image.