Is He Emotionally Unavailable? Here Are 11 Red Flags To Watch For + What To Do About It

We asked experts why men can wind up emotionally unavailable, the telltale signs to watch out for, plus how to handle it. Here's what they had to say.

According to licensed psychotherapist Pam Shaffer, MFT, sometimes we go through phases where we're less emotionally unavailable, and other times it's more "chronic." "It doesn't mean that something is wrong with you," she previously told mindbodygreen, "but it may mean you're using your emotional bandwidth to cope with your own feelings or circumstances, so you don't have enough to necessarily tune into another person."

This dynamic can also be present in the LGBTQ+ community, Page adds; however, because the queer community tends to have more freedom when it comes to crossing gender boundaries, gay men might not feel the same pressure to be "hypermasculine."

Discomfort talking about feelings or anything that requires a bit of vulnerability is a big sign of emotional unavailability. "This can be due to a fear of intimacy or conflict," according to relationship therapist Jelisha Gatling, LMFT.

Minimizing another person's feelings is another indication of emotional unavailability. As licensed clinical social worker Canh Tran, LCSW, explains, someone who's emotionally unavailable might reach for their phone when you're crying or even laugh at your emotional anguish, tears, etc.

If this guy's primary response to any glimpse of conflict is defensiveness rather than being able to talk about it or acknowledge their part, Gatling warns that's a big sign of emotional unavailability. (It's also one of the top four predictors of divorce, for what it's worth.)

Additionally, if someone is "leaving you guessing as to when they are going to talk to you, chances are good that they are not emotionally available to truly connect and make you feel heard," notes Shaffer.

It's a great irony that insecurity in relationships can cause people to push away the very thing that might help them feel more secure. However, as licensed psychotherapist Antranique Neblett, LCSW, previously told mindbodygreen, insecure people may sabotage relationships in order to avoid closeness.

If the person you think is emotionally unavailable has a track record of infidelity, situationships, ghosting, breadcrumbing, or anything else that shows reluctance to connect intimately, take that at face value. It can be enticing to think you might be the one person who changes them into a tender and loving partner, but odds are, they're just going to treat your relationship like all the other relationships in their past.

Often for people who are emotionally unavailable, their primary drive is independence, and their greatest fear is engulfment, or becoming dependent on another person, according to licensed couples' therapist Brooke Sprowl, LCSW, CNTS. "In other words, losing themselves in another person or being subsumed," she says, adding that they then seek space and solitude to regulate their anxiety, especially during conflicts.

If the person you're dating doesn't want to "label" the relationship, chances are they are not emotionally available to give you the kind of love and support you're looking for. As Shaffer explains, "Relationships can take many forms, but if someone refuses to define their relationship or talk about what you can both expect from it while still wanting all the benefits of it, they might not be ready to be an available partner."

As she explains, emotionally unavailable people can be impossible to mollify because "they are always looking for something negative to latch onto in order to justify their crappy behavior." She adds that they may even seek perfection in imperfect humans so they can use your flaws as justification for ending things or not getting serious with you.

This relates to Engle's aforementioned point about emotionally unavailable people looking for impossible perfection as justification for keeping their distance. If you're on the receiving end of this, you might feel like you can't open up either.

Lastly, people who are emotionally unavailable are only going to make time for you when it's convenient for them. They tend to value control over situations and aren't willing to compromise, according to Engle, who notes, "If the person you're seeing wants you to bend over backward to fit yourself around their schedule but won't inconvenience themselves to do the same, chances are they are emotionally unavailable."

We often convince ourselves that something about us is stopping us from receiving love, but "this myth that we hold dear to our hearts causes us to enact cycles of pain for ourselves and others," Page says, adding, "And that gets terribly triggered by people who cannot accept us and love us for who we are."

Following these kinds of conversations, you can assess whether they seem to be becoming more emotionally available, but our honest advice is: Don't hold your breath. For many unavailable people, the more you try to force the issue, the more they will withdraw.

Finally, if you're getting nowhere with this person, it's always better to cut ties and go no-contact to prevent the relationship from further impacting your mental and emotional health. Being repeatedly drawn into relationships with emotionally unavailable people, which Page refers to as an "attraction of deprivation," can be detrimental to our self-esteem and trust in others, so do not be afraid to quit while you're ahead.

As Page puts it, you're far better off, instead, "Looking for that rich, nourishing feeling of peace when you're with people who regularly and consistently are available to you." Anything less is not worth your love and energy—so don't forget it.