Going Through Heartache? Here's How To Cope, According To Experts

Here, we asked experts to explain what heartache is really all about, plus how to deal with it. Here's what they had to say.

This kind of upheaval brings up a lot of emotions (think the stages of grief, i.e., denial, anger, etc.), but it can cause physical symptoms as well. Research shows we can become essentially addicted to love1 neurologically, and even go through "withdrawal" after a breakup. Additional research has found there really is such thing as a broken heart, with "broken heart syndrome," a type of heart condition, occurring amid intense emotional or physiological stress.

In fact, he adds, when he has clients who seem to have moved on quite quickly, he actually takes it as a red flag that they're not truly processing and grieving what's happened. "And it's going to show up in some other way down the road," he notes, "because they're not appropriately allowing themselves to feel those difficult emotions to go through this."

Along the same lines, it's important to be kind to yourself as you go through this tough time. Birkel says it comes down to having compassion for yourself. "You wouldn't say to a friend who just lost their grandma, 'Don't feel sad—you'll be fine,'" he explains, so don't talk to yourself that way either. Treat yourself as you would a friend. "You can do that in self-talk to help you feel the sadness and the grief and the loneliness," he notes.

Birkel, as well as licensed marriage and family therapist Linda Carroll M.S., LMFT, both acknowledge the importance of leaning on your community. Not only will they help you not to isolate, but they can act as a soundboard, a support system, or just company when you need it.

"It helps you continue to stay grounded in the world, so you don't go down the road of hopelessness," he notes, adding when you're staying active, being healthy, and surrounding yourself with people, you're much more able to deal with what's happening in your life.

This one ties back to the grieving process and giving yourself grace. Carroll explains using "both/and" phrases helps you not only validate your emotional experience but tap into your own sense of groundedness. There's a component of mindfulness here, she adds. Think phrases like, "I am so sad, and I need to get this report done," or "I am feeling deep grief and don't even want to get up, and I know my body needs a walk."

Deep losses can lead us to make impulsive and even risky decisions more often, especially when it comes to reaching out to an ex in the case of a breakup. As Carroll explains, "the intensity of your desire to strike back, call your lover, do something harmful, etc., is not related to the wisdom of doing it." If you're dealing with bouts of impulsivity, reactions, or urges, she recommends practicing mindful pauses and waiting at least 24 hours before you act on those feelings.

"Writing can be one of the most sacred and healing spaces in one's life," Kahn says. "Having the space to free-write can give you insight into your breakup, your current feelings, and why your breakup is so painful." And that goes for any loss, not just romantic ones.

"It's something to be mindful of if you find yourself seeking a lot of attention from other people, even sexual attention, to feel good about yourself," he explains. "That might be a signal you're avoiding the grieving process, or you're trying to fill the emptiness with something that's not going to be a long-term solution."

And last but certainly not least, if you're really struggling, consider going to therapy. Sometimes these things are too much to deal with without the guidance and support of a professional. "If it feels like it's too hard to manage on your own, therapy would definitely be helpful," Birkel says.

While it takes time (and patience) to come out on the other side, you'll have learned something about yourself, grown as a person, and bolstered your own resilience.