Tim Ferriss has built an empire around the idea that we can achieve more in less time. To do so, we have to work smarter, not harder.
In this case, we want to sex smarter, not harder. Or maybe harder – your choice.
The point is, we want to maximize the power of our sexual encounters to be nourishing, rejuvenating and to build our intimate connections.
In a concentrated, efficient way.
I’ve written before about the importance of sex dates: scheduled, committed windows of time that we devote to our sexual relationships. They aren’t “date nights” in the conventional sense, as in going to see a movie or having dinner together.
They’re just for sex.
I recommend at least one carved-in-stone weekly, extended date: say three or four hours (I like 24-72 hour sex dates myself when I can get them). Or, you could schedule two dates of two hours each. Or four one-hour dates.
My view is, if you are having four, solid hours of connected, passionate, gourmet sex a week, you are doing very well.
You will have generated enough sexual super fuel to power you through your life: making you a better partner, friend, parent and more creative and productive in all areas of your life and work.
How do you make the most of these four hours?
1) Clear any distractions well beforehand. If you have children, have childcare in place. Or make sure they are in bed well ahead of time. Finish whatever work projects you have, knowing that when your mind is clear, you’ll be free to be in the moment. And in your bed.
2) Plan ahead. Brainstorm a list of adventures and experiences you’ve been keen to explore with each other. Pick from the list. G-Spots, role play, Tantra: they’re all fair game. Prepare ahead of time if you need to with accessories.
3) Keep a sexual simmer going in between sex dates. People often make the mistake of letting their sexual fires become doused in between encounters.
The problem with this is that you’ll have to go from freezing to boiling each time. Instead, think of keeping the energy flowing between you at a constant simmer. You can do this by being sexually affectionate with each other.
I define “sexual affection” not as a perfunctory kiss on the mouth, but a stealth hand down someone’s pants. A secret butt grab in a room of people that no one else sees. A passionate kiss as you pin your lover to the wall in the hallway as they are on their way to the kitchen.
These can all be brief moments that need not lead to completion. They are designed to stoke your fire and keep it high.
Sexual affection also includes sexy text messages or emails sent throughout the day. To be clear:
It is not: “Hi! How are you!”
It is: “I want to _______ you tonight and then I want to _______ and then I want you to ________.”
As an example, I recently slighted my lover. To make amends, I told him to create and send me a list of all the “punishments” he would have me carry out or administer to me for my trespasses.
I’m really looking forward to seeing that list.
4) Keep communication open. One of the major foundations I set up in working with people is getting them to prioritize emotional transparency.
Share your innermost thoughts and feelings with each other. If you don’t do this, blocks will arise between you and when it comes time for your sex date, you’ll feel awkward or unaroused because there is debris hanging in the space between you.
Clear it. Make a commitment to living honestly and openly. Express your thoughts and feelings as they come up. If something happens that bothers you, talk about it as soon as you can.
If you can’t talk about it in the moment, let your partner know there is something you need to talk about soon. Bookmark it.
By keeping the space between you free of blockages, when you come together sensually, the wheels will already be lubricated.
5) “I love you because...” One of the “homeplay” assignments I give people at my salons is to have couples use the above leading sentence and fill in the blank.
After the session, one of the attendees showed me the long list of text messages he and his girlfriend had been sending back and forth. He said it had been an amazing tool for them to keep the channels of vulnerability and appreciation open.
So yes, your text messages can also be loving. Both are important.
If you commit to having at least four hours of sex every week and you use the tools outlined to maximize your time (as well as any other you can think of), you’ll see the benefits flow out into every area of your life.
Next week I’ll take you deeper into the heart of the sex date: we’ll discuss the four-hour orgasm.
image via Sam Taylor Wood