For a long time, I did not trust myself because I thought I had made too many mistakes and poor choices. I also realized that I was, in many respects, a liar. I lied to myself about myself. I lied to make myself look and feel good. I also lied to others when I was afraid.
It is hard to trust a fool who repeatedly makes poor choices. It is even harder to trust someone you know is prone to lying. What turned everything around for me was the day I realized that I was teaching my children to lie. It was a very simple lie — I told my son to tell someone I wasn’t home.
When he looked at me and said, “Where are you, Mommy?” I knew I was in trouble.
There are many things I did that were acceptable for me but not acceptable for my children. Teaching my children to lie and to be afraid were among those highly unacceptable things. It took me a good minute, but I eventually figured out that the things I did and said that I was not proud of were the result of my not trusting myself. Eventually, through the process of compassionate self-forgiveness and a commitment to building and strengthening my character, I discovered that self-trust was my life preserver and my only hope.