8 Things A Narcissist Does At The End Of A Relationship
Ending a relationship with a narcissist is incredibly difficult.
Sometimes a triggering event will motivate the narcissist to leave. These are usually life-altering events for one of you. If you become ill or incapacitated or unable or unwilling to participate in the life the narcissist has designed, that may prompt the narcissist to leave. Even a positive event, such as having a child, can upset the delicate balance of the relationship, especially if it requires the narcissist to be more responsible and emotionally involved. Illnesses, aging, and job losses or promotions can act as triggers for the narcissist to suddenly abandon the relationship.
Regardless of who makes the first move to leave, here's what you can expect at the end of a relationship with a narcissist. They will:
1. Blame you
When things don't work out, the narcissist puts the blame entirely on someone else. You were on a pedestal at the beginning of the relationship. You were wonderful and perfect, and the narcissist was thrilled to have "won" you as a mate. Now that the narcissist sees the relationship as broken, damaged, and ending—it's all your fault. They say you're too fat or too needy or too happy. You have wrecked things, destroyed the trust, ruined the best thing you ever had, crushed their love. You're unappreciative of all they have done for you. You would be nothing without them. You have single-handedly destroyed all the two of you have built. You're selfish and demanding. Overnight you have become the most despised person in the narcissist's life.
Obviously that is shocking, hurtful, insulting, and thoroughly unfair and wrong. When the narcissist reaches this point, they will no longer listen to you or give you any consideration and may no longer be willing to even speak to you. If you apologize profusely enough and beg for reconciliation, you may get back together for a while, but things between the two of you will probably never be good again.
2. Attempt to convince you you've made a mistake
After months or years of being told you're wrong and having your decisions devalued by the narcissist, you are probably prone to second-guessing yourself. And the narcissist will certainly try to convince you that you've made a mistake. They try charisma, coaxing, persuasion, and then intimidation, goading, and outright provocation to get back in control of the relationship.
The narcissist will say, "You just misinterpreted what I said. Of course, you should know that deep down I love you; why do I have to say it all the time? What about all the good times we've had together? You look at the negative too much. You don't understand the stress I've been under lately. You take things too personally. You're overreacting. You're too emotional."
Although the narcissist tries to sound positive about the relationship and why you shouldn't leave, you'll notice that all these "reasons" are actually negative remarks about you and what is wrong with what you're doing. These are not real encouragements to stay in the relationship; they are actually manipulations to lower your self-esteem so you won't leave.
If the coaxing and persuasion don't work, the narcissist can bring out the especially negative evaluations to trigger your sore spots and make you feel bad about yourself: "You were nothing before you married me. Go back to that stupid family of yours and rot. You'll be sorry when I'm out in California and making loads of money. I can find somebody who will really love me and always put me first."
If the narcissist still needs you, they won't want you upsetting their plans. Your leaving gives you more emotional strength and power in the relationship by moving you further out of the narcissist's control, and they don't want that to happen.
3. Attempt to guilt-trip you into staying
Guilt is a powerful tool for the narcissist to pull you back into the relationship. The narcissist brings up every time they have done something nice for you or stresses how much they care about you or reminds you of the wonderful times you've had together. If the positives don't work to bring you back, narcissists default to their devaluing attacks. Any complaint you have made about them will be turned around on you. Narcissists consistently blame their partners for behaviors they are actually exhibiting in that very moment—screaming, name-calling, hostility, selfishness, hatred, and passive-aggressiveness, to name a few.
Being told you are selfish, unkind, cruel, greedy, stingy, or hurting someone's feelings can be especially painful to a caretaker. You work so hard to never do or be those things and almost never even have those kinds of feelings, so you feel deeply wronged. These comments are such a clear indication that the narcissist doesn't know you or see you for who you are, and that can be heartbreaking.
These kinds of accusations also increase your feelings of guilt, so you're more likely to redouble your efforts to prove to the narcissist that you're not that kind of person. That's just what the narcissist wants because it reengages you in the relationship. Once the narcissist has goaded you into reacting, they can keep you feeling powerless, guilty, and participating in the relationship until they're ready to end it.
4. Demand attention, even after you've broken up
It is easier to leave a narcissist if you cut off as much contact as possible. However, narcissists can be extremely persistent in grabbing your attention. Clients have reported many types of attention-getting behaviors from narcissists who feel rejected, for example: drunk calling in the middle of the night, "accidentally" breaking into your house to get their belongings, hundreds of texts or emails in a day, constant pleas for you to "explain" why you want to leave—all of which lead to the narcissist's denouncing you for being so negative.
If you have children together, these pleas for attention can go on and on. One client was so anxious from all the pressure that she actually lost her voice when she saw her former husband. He was so determined to get her attention that he even pressured the court to "order" her to speak to him in public "for the sake of the children." Of course it was actually for the sake of his own egotistical need to be acknowledged.
5. Promise to change
If persuasion, guilt, and attention-getting behaviors don't pull you back into the relationship, the narcissist pulls out the promise to change. Suddenly the narcissist says they understand why you are upset and ready to leave. They appear to be taking responsibility for their behaviors. They promise to go to therapy, do everything you ask, do things your way. They are so, so sorry to have hurt you.
This is a tempting appeal for a caretaker who truly wants the relationship to work. Now it seems that the narcissist finally understands what you've been saying and is ready to make things right. They seem genuinely sincere. You breathe a sigh of relief and hope builds in you again.
Inevitably this hope disintegrates. Narcissists can't stop trying to control you, and they can't seem to control their own behaviors for any length of time. For a while, you think things are getting better. However, when the narcissist gets comfortable in the relationship again, they'll go back to being self-absorbed, inconsiderate, arrogant, insensitive, and blaming. And invariably if things don't go their way, they're instantly back to the same defensive and antagonistic patterns. How many times you're willing to believe the narcissist's false promises is up to you.
6. Use social attacks and gossip
It is hard to keep the end of your relationship with a narcissist out of the public eye because the narcissist demands that everyone you know choose sides. As soon as possible, they will tell your friends, neighbors, church members, and club acquaintances in person and on social media their version of the story of your breakup. That is very distressful for most caretakers. During your entire relationship, the narcissist insisted on extreme privacy about your interactions together, and now they are spreading all kinds of misinformation and slander and trying to ruin your good name. Too often caretakers continue to keep their promises not to talk about the relationship, which means the narcissist's lies stand without challenge.
Gossip is a manipulative tactic designed to make you the bad guy and to garner the narcissist as much sympathy as possible. It can also work effectively to reengage you with them and bring you under their control.
Although stalking is usually not blatant or threatening by narcissists, it is not uncommon for narcissists to fortuitously be at the grocery store when you are, to suddenly appear at a community or social event you attend, or to change their running route so they go down your street every morning. Be prepared ahead of time that these unexpected meetings might occur. They're designed to keep you aware of the narcissist's presence and emotionally off-balance.
8. Reveal their neediness
Narcissists appear to be strong and independent, but they are actually extremely needy. You may find it hard to let go of taking care of the narcissist. You may get calls to come fix their car, or they may still expect you to keep doing the accounting for their business, or they want you to take down the Christmas lights on their house, or they expect you to still make their dentist appointments. It can be exhausting and difficult for you to say no to these persistent requests. Too often you get pulled back into interactions with the narcissist that really don't benefit you.
Margalis Fjelstad received her doctorate in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Oregon State University. She specializes in clients with narcissistic parents or spouses and has written two books on the topic: Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life. Fjelstad has served as an adjunct professor at Regis University in Colorado Springs and at California State University in Sacramento, where collectively she has taught more than 13,000 hours of graduate courses.