6 Steps To Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse

You immediately need to work on lowering your levels of fear and anxiety. Narcissistic rage is something awful to behold and can be terribly frightening to have aimed directly at you. The narcissist wants you to feel threatened and anxious so you can't think. Then you'll more easily give in to what they want. Narcissists believe that you deserve to feel bad for causing them to feel and look like a failure. A humiliated narcissist can be quite menacing and intimidating.

Don't believe the narcissist's dire and threatening predictions about your future, but also don't ignore their threats. Take steps immediately to protect yourself both physically and psychologically. Taking action can help defuse your fear. Change the locks on the doors, open a separate bank account, close or remove your name from all the joint credit cards, and stop making any requests for help from the narcissist. Don't respond to hostile emails or texts, and keep copies of any verbal and written threats in a notebook. It would be ideal if you did these things during the first days after separation. (Here's our full guide on how to leave an abusive relationship in the safest possible way.)

This may sound simplistic, but it is essential that you consciously pay attention to your breathing. People in fear have a tendency to stop breathing or to hyperventilate. Both of these reactions interfere with oxygen getting to your brain, heart, and other primary organs. Not breathing will also trigger your freeze response. When your brain and body freeze and shut down, you can't think, remember things, or make rational decisions. At those times, you may find yourself more willing to give in to the narcissist's demands, give up your rights, or even beg the narcissist to come back just to ease your panic and fear. So breathing is essential for your mental health and your physical needs.

Sit or lie down somewhere comfortable and quiet. Put one hand over your heart and one hand on your diaphragm. Slowly breathe in, feeling your lower hand and then your upper hand move out as your lungs fill with air. Then slowly breathe out, feeling your lungs deflate and your shoulders drop. Do this to the count of four—four counts on the in-breath and four counts on the out-breath. Most people find that doing this breathing series even four or five times starts the relaxation process. If you are in deep distress, you may need to do this for 10 to 20 minutes.

The best way to protect yourself from a hostile narcissist is to disengage. Yes, the narcissist hates that, but they're already in a rage anyway, and it is no longer your job to take care of their feelings. Now is the time to think about your own emotional needs. If married, lawyers consistently tell their clients to quit responding and interacting with the narcissist and do all communicating through them until the divorce is over, but they say their clients rarely listen to them. I want to reinforce this recommendation. Until a final settlement is reached, narcissists will try every means possible to keep you emotionally distraught and off-balance with what they say and do.

Disengagement is more than not talking, texting, emailing, or interacting (although the no-contact rule is critical). It also includes emotionally letting go. To emancipate yourself from the narcissist, you have to quit caring what they think of you. You also need to let go of any dependence on the narcissist—emotional, physical, and financial. If you have young children, it may take years to completely disengage.

As you become more disengaged from the narcissist, you can start treating your interactions with them in a more businesslike manner. In business, emotional responses are relegated to the background, and people try to talk about only the specific issue at hand. At work, you try your best to be cordial, even when you don't like somebody. You may disagree, but there is no name-calling, rude remarks, or hostile body language. You don't cry, beg, or share your intimate feelings with your work associates. Your interactions will go better with the narcissist if you follow this same model.

The narcissist used to be your closest and most trusted companion—the person whose responses mattered more to you than anyone else's. That is gone. They now see you as the enemy. So when you continue to expect that the narcissist will consider your feelings or entreaties, you'll probably be deeply disappointed, and your requests will trigger their guilt and hostility.

Being businesslike gives you more power. Be calm and rational, stick close to the topic, and refuse to be sidetracked. When you stay calm, the narcissist is the only one reacting emotionally and looks more clearly like the crazy person they are. Don't be intimidated or embarrassed by the narcissist's horrible behavior. It's all right for information about the narcissist's genuinely dreadful side to be visible to others. This makes the truth about their behaviors clear.

When you focus on putting exercise, healthy food, and good self-care into your daily schedule, you'll find yourself feeling more powerful and doing less worrying. Actively taking care of your body automatically improves your self-esteem and prepares you to handle challenges. Moving your body helps balance your breathing, brings oxygen to your brain, and gets your heart pumping. These actions help keep you from shutting down emotionally or dropping into depression. Get a massage, sit in a hot tub, or do whatever helps you to relax. Make your own physical well-being a priority. (Here's our full guide to getting over a breakup, including healthy habits and self-care recommendations.)

I also recommend that you keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings. It's surprisingly calming and validating to put down on paper your experiences and insights. It can help you sort through the confusion and figure out what you want to do about this huge change. It's also a good memory trigger to help you stop "forgetting" and diminishing those negative interactions with the narcissist.