What Is My Love Language? A Simple 5-Minute Test
The love languages are a popular theory, first developed by Gary Chapman, Ph.D., for helping people in relationships understand each other's needs and how they differ from each other. But how do you know what your love language is? Here's our helpful guide based on The Five Love Languages book—plus a simple test to help you learn how you give and receive love.
Take the test:
What are the five love languages?
The five love languages are words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and acts of service, each of which represents a distinct way of expressing love. The love language theory, first developed by Gary Chapman, Ph.D., in the 1990s, posits that each person has a specific love language they prefer for giving and receiving love.
For example, one person may feel most appreciated when their partner says the words "I love you" (the words of affirmation love language), whereas another may feel most appreciated when their partner gives them a lot of affectionate touch like kisses and holding hands (the physical touch love language).
"Love languages are a deceptively simple concept, and understanding them can be transformative if you put in the practical work," trauma-informed relationship coach Julie Nguyen writes at mbg. "It invites curiosity, not mind-reading, into the relationship."
Here's a quick basic overview of each love language:
Words of affirmation
Words of affirmation are any verbal expressions of affection, validation, or care. People who have this love language usually really like receiving compliments, hearing their partner say what they like about them, and the words "I love you" and all its sweet variations.
Physical touch includes any form of physical contact between two people to show affection, such as kissing, holding hands, sex, and cuddling. People with this love language tend to enjoy "touchy" relationships, public displays of affection, and being held close by their partner.
Quality time is the time two people spend together really enjoying each other's company. People with this love language really value partners who make plans regularly, show up, and just want to spend tons of time hanging out with them, whether it's a fancy date night or chilling on the couch talking until dawn.
Gifts are exactly what they sound like: physical items given to show someone you're thinking of them or to express feelings of love or care. People with gifts as their love language feel most loved when their partners bring them tangible gifts, particularly ones that are clearly meaningful, personalized, or seemed to take a lot of time, effort, thought, or resources to give.
Acts of service
Acts of service are thoughtful gestures meant to meaningfully make someone's day better or easier, such as making them coffee in the morning, bringing them food when they're sick, or being willing to make a personal sacrifice so they feel content. People with this love language see meaning in actions and feel loved when their partner is really making an effort for their sake.
How do I know my love language?
To figure out what your love language is, consider the way you express affection to the people you love—whether friends, family, or romantic partners. Do you tend to cuddle with them on the couch? Or do you like to shower them with compliments and verbal affirmation? Or maybe you prefer to make big gestures of care, like showing up unannounced to drive them home from the airport? Or maybe the biggest way you show you care is by picking up the tab at brunch or grabbing something for them while shopping when you see something you know they'll like.
The way you show people you love them—and the way you want them to show you love—are usually clear indicators of your love language. You may have more than one love language, or you might have one primary love language and a few secondary ones.
"We all may relate to most of these languages, but each of us has one that speaks to us the most," marriage and family therapist Sunny Motamedi, Psy.D., recently told mbg.
How you receive love vs. how you give love.
You may have one love language for how you like to receive love and a different love language for how you like to give love. For example, words of affirmation might be what you need from others to feel loved, but the main way you show love to others might be acts of service.
The more important one to pay attention to is the receiving language—how you want to receive love and how the people around you want to receive love. The giver should attune to the receiver's love language, as the point is always to make the receiver feel loved in the way they will actually appreciate.
How to know your partner's love language.
The most effective way to know your partner's love language is to simply ask them which of the five languages they most enjoy receiving. This is their primary love language, the one you should primarily use to show them affection. You can also ask them which of the five languages they most frequently use to show others love, which will help you recognize when they're trying to show you they love you.
"Discovering your and your partner's primary love language and speaking that language regularly may [create] a better understanding of each other's needs and support each other's growth," Motamedi said.
The bottom line.
Knowing your love language is important so you can let your romantic partners and other important people in your life know how to give you the validation you need. And knowing your partner's love language is equally vital, as that should guide how you treat them.
Kelly Gonsalves is a multi-certified sex educator and relationship coach helping people figure out how to create dating and sex lives that actually feel good — more open, more optimistic, and more pleasurable. In addition to working with individuals in her private practice, Kelly serves as the Sex & Relationships Editor at mindbodygreen. She has a degree in journalism from Northwestern University, and she’s been trained and certified by leading sex and relationship institutions such as The Gottman Institute and Everyone Deserves Sex Ed, among others. Her work has been featured at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.
With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be.
You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter