How to Deal With The Narcissist In Your Life, According To Relationship Experts

From your toxic boss to your emotionally unavailable ex, the term "narcissist" is thrown around a lot. While we all have the capacity to display some narcissistic traits, true pathological narcissism goes beyond that and is identified as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by grandiosity, entitlement, rage, and a lack of empathy. As psychologist Ketan Parmar, M.D., MBBS tells mindbodygreen, “Narcissism is a personality trait that exists on a spectrum, ranging from healthy to pathological."

Parmar also notes that healthy narcissism is normal and can even create a balanced sense of self-worth and confidence—but pathological narcissism refers to an excessive and distorted sense of self-importance and entitlement which can veer into abusive toxicity.

According to existing research1 on narcissism, self-esteem, and love, while narcissists enjoy the attention and satisfaction provided by a romantic relationship, they are unable to truly care for another human being and don’t appreciate the emotional demands of a relationship. 

Their inflated sense of self needs constant validation from romantic alternatives, making them resistant to commitment and in some cases, prone to playing games as a tactic to create emotional distance. 

Another study2 exploring the lives of women in a long-term, intimate relationship with a narcissistic male partner revealed physical and psychological abuse, social isolation, and financial exploitation. The abuse had a deeply negative effect on their independence, sense of self, and mental and emotional wellbeing. 

Any challenge to the narcissistic partner’s superiority, sense of control, or their distorted perception of reality could lead to a violent response2. To avoid conflict, you may feel like you have to walk on eggshells and constantly subvert your own needs to accommodate their volatile nature.

This pattern may lead to hyper-vigilance and lasting emotional trauma. Despite the abuse, the complete loss of agency over time is why you may continue to stay in a relationship long past its expiration date. 

According to Parmar, narcissists also gaslight their partners, and while the relationship may begin with love bombing, it will eventually move onto devaluation. The narcissist repeats the cycle of rejecting and discarding, then love bombing again. 

“Narcissists may initially shower their partner with praise, attention, and affection, making them feel special and loved. However, this phase does not last long,” Parmar says, adding, “Once [the narcissist] feels bored or threatened by their partner's independence or achievements, they may switch to criticizing, ignoring, or demeaning them.”

Narcissists, with their surface charm and smooth confidence, often make a great first impression. Coupled with gaslighting and manipulation, when the connection turns toxic, you may find yourself confused and doubting your own judgment. For you to deal with a narcissist, it is vital that you understand the behavior and patterns they exemplify. 

Take the time to learn the signs of narcissism and the manipulation tactics employed by a narcissist. Understand the cycles of abuse you may get snared into—familiarity with how narcissism works may also help you get out of a situation before it’s too late. 

Dealing with a narcissist can take a physical, mental, emotional, and psychological toll. So, before you wade into battle, make sure that your armory is fully stocked up.  

That means take care of your physical, mental, and emotional health and wellbeing. Get plenty of exercise and journal for self-reflection and to unpack your emotions. 

Narcissists project their guilt onto others, manipulate, and gaslight—and when faced with criticism, they even resort to physical and mental intimidation. While engaging with a narcissist, it is essential for you to maintain a clear and strong sense of self. 

Boundaries are important in every relationship, but when dealing with a narcissist, they can be the guardrails of your sanity. 

“Establish clear boundaries and communicate them assertively. Clearly define what behavior is acceptable and what is not,” suggests licensed marriage and family therapist, Marty Hosier LMFT. “Stick to your boundaries and be prepared to enforce consequences if they are crossed," he adds.

And as psychoanalyst, Lauri Hollman Ph.D., tells mindbodygreen, when talking to a narcissist, be a good listener and open potentially difficult conversations with compliments. When communicating your boundaries, do so calmly and with a gentle approach and be willing to listen.

As aforementioned, narcissists have little to no insight into their own personality and how they are perceived by others. So, the negativity experienced in a relationship with a narcissist is really about them—not you. Their responses are about their skewed worldview.

They have a tendency to project their guilt onto others and deny accountability when confronted with the consequences of their words and actions. 

As painful as it may be when you’re on the receiving end of blame and baseless accusations, try to remain emotionally detached. When you know their projections come from an unhealthy place, it’ll be easier not to let such interactions impact your self-image. 

According to Parmar, “Grey rocking is a technique that involves becoming as dull and uninteresting as possible to the narcissist. Avoid giving them any positive or negative reactions that they can feed on.” He further explains that responding with short, neutral and factual statements will help you avoid unnecessary drama and conflict with them.

If grey rocking fails to have the desired effect, don’t lapse into an emotional response. Licensed marriage and family therapist, Sara Sloan, says this will be par for the course with narcissists who will often try to change the narrative, which may create a feeling of emotional vertigo. 

One of the ways narcissists like to bolster their self-esteem3 is by controlling others. It gives them a sense of superiority. They will try to provoke strong emotional responses, and as you feel less and less in control, the narcissist will use the situation to further manipulate you.

They may use the moment to shift blame, invalidate you, or to draw you into a long-drawn out fight that feeds their need for attention. 

Even with all your care, compassion, and support, you may not be able to heal a narcissist. Staying in such a relationship can break your spirit, which will serve no benefit to you. 

If you find yourself feeling drained and exhausted—and if it’s a viable option—consider walking away from the relationship and terminate all contact. If leaving is not an option, establish boundaries that limit contact. 

It’s highly recommended that you involve a mental health expert when dealing with a narcissist. According to Hosier, “A mental health professional can provide guidance, support, and strategies tailored to your specific situation."

If possible, persuade the narcissist to see a professional too, but don't get hung up on it if they refuse. Devoid of empathy, narcissists don’t much care about how their behavior may be affecting others. They are also very resistant to any kind of self-reflection, and refuse to see themselves as someone less than perfect. All of this will make it very difficult for you to get them to seek help.

It can be difficult to even comprehend just how a narcissist’s mind works, let alone predict their actions with any accuracy. If you do find yourself having to deal with a narcissist, it’s best to manage your expectations and prioritize what truly matters, your growth and wellbeing.