Esther Perel's 2 Nonnegotiables For Thriving In An Open Relationship

Whether you're thinking about opening up your relationship or are already exploring polyamory, you might have some questions about how to make this relationship model work.

Just as a refresher, "polyamory" is a form of consensual or ethical non-monogamy in which people may have romantic and sexual relationships with multiple people at the same time. And when Perel was asked how she's seen these relationships transpire, she said attachment style matters.

"One criterion that I do think is important for people who want to live in a more plural model of love, or model of sexuality, is there needs to be internally a sense of secure attachment," she tells mbg. "There needs to be a sense that, 'If you go to someone else, it doesn't mean you don't want to be with me.'"

She goes on to explain that for people in polyamorous relationships who don't have a secure attachment style, polyamory can bring up a lot of insecurities. People will either shut down and avoid connection (avoidant attachment) or anxiously pursue more (anxious attachment).

In addition to having a solid foundation laid with a secure attachment style, Perel notes it's also important to understand why polyamory appeals to you. The choice of polyamory, she says, is a choice of values and lifestyle—not a solution to a lack of desire or intimacy.

"It's not a compensation. It's an addition—it's a complement," she explains. Outside of certain specific circumstances (such as situations involving illness, for example), polyamory usually cannot be used to solve a problem.