Don't Get Stuck In This Common Narcissist Trap, A Relationship Expert Says

Seeking growth is a great thing, whether we're striving for deeper emotional awareness, building new habits, or improving our relationships. But sometimes, we run into people who seem to be seeking growth (or at least claim to be), and yet after a substantial amount of time, we feel stuck and frustrated in our relationships with them. 

We've invested patience, hope, and support in these people we love, so it feels hard to just throw in the towel. We can't possibly give up hope in our loved ones, especially because they're trying so hard—or are they?

Being in therapy or coaching, devouring books and journals, and psychoanalyzing 24/7 doesn't mean anything if it's just empty speech. Talk is cheap, and there are people—especially dark personality types—who show up to therapy to tick a box, tell people they are doing it, and develop a more sophisticated language that ups their game.

For example, they might say something like, "You know I have rejection-sensitive dysphoria, and that's why you have to understand me," compared to someone who might say, "I'm sorry I did that when I felt overwhelmed because I thought I was being rejected. I will work hard not to do that again—what can I do to make it up to you?" With the key being, of course, that they actually commit to it and display growth.

This veneer of self-awareness and therapy speak also evokes your empathy, so you can't help but believe they're working on themselves. You then find yourself stuck in the snares of an accountability trap. Most of us work harder to be better people, so we assume others will do the same. Except this courtesy cannot be applied to dark types because accountability is what gets you hooked—and they may even ask that you keep them accountable.

Dark personality types get sophisticated with psychology speak to look like they're experts in emotional intelligence (EQ). One way they do this is by understanding your triggers, deliberately pushing your buttons, and then calmly telling you that if you are upset, it must be your fault.

Under the guise of caring about you, they may want to process your emotions together or sit down for long talks to gain more intel about how you operate. They're also the maestros of confusing messaging that sounds intelligent, wielding psychology speak with buzzwords like "emotions," "triggers," and "boundaries."

They may act like they're doing something in the name of their self-care and sanity, when it's actually to control you. A typical example would be someone saying, "I will not be with someone who has male friends because [reason about their history], and that is my boundary." This confused messaging doesn't happen because they are confused—it's employed to trick you. And it's not a healthy boundary, by the way.

A curious case I've noticed in dark personality types is that they think everyone besides them is grossly incompetent, even friends or co-workers.

There's a never-ending litany of tales about how everyone is terrible or doing a crappy job at work. They make it sound as if they're suffering like martyrs, which means you have to be extra understanding toward them, and they're the ones who swoop in to save the day—so you have to praise them, too. 

We all run into hiccups at work and in our social circles, but the thing is, it's often a transient episode or at the periphery of our lives. With a dark type, the drama and never-ending sh*t-storm revolves around them, and they act hurt by it or like they have to come to the rescue.

Ask yourself if you're paying for these small, transient changes. Dark types will punish you for any change they embark on, nevermind if it doesn't last. Because they know which buttons to push, and they also know how to make it look like it's your fault. They're particularly good at this, and that way, you're trained to not ask for decent treatment.

If you find yourself thinking "They're not all bad," or "We have some positive interactions!" there's a strong chance you're lying to yourself. Here's the deal, Jack the Ripper might not have been "full-blown" and he killed multiple people; do you need someone to be "full-blown" or "completely psychopathic" to recognize that they are bad for you and your future becomes bleaker with them?

Having some positive interactions does not discount the overall picture—as the Gottman Institute has corroborated, relationships that are healthy and enduring have a ratio of five to one positive to negative interactions. 

There are people we can trust to be happy for us in our success and consistently have our back—especially if we make requests for support. These are people to keep in our lives.

With the best of intentions, we may turn to couples' therapy. But the thing about dark types is that they can be incredibly charming and sophisticated—while their partners have been beaten down by repeated abuse and are easily triggered, shamed, and gaslighted.

Everyone has potential, but not everyone can (or wants to) live up to it. Hedging your bets based on that, especially on a dark type, is a gamble you will lose. Because they cannot and will not change.

If you were to draw a timeline based on consistent patterns of their behavior, consider if it's been getting progressively worse. Be honest with yourself if you're just looking at the few times that are great or OK and dismissing the bad things. Also consider if you feel bad about admitting that someone's "trying" is not enough; some of us have been raised to be "good" and thereby feel guilty when we think we're criticizing someone else.

In this timeline, perhaps you realize it has never been drama-free. Because the initial honeymoon phase of love-bombing itself was a calculated move to erode your boundaries and groom you. And overall, it has been a tumultuous ride that you've learned to tolerate in the name of how much you've already invested—and how much they look like they're working hard to change.

There might also be other mindsets that keep you tethered to persevering. Consider the other mirrors in your head, such as growing up romanticizing certain stories that speak of unhealthy love. Or perhaps, you watched your parents weather hard times. Here, it's important to call things out for what they are—if there is abuse, then it is abuse. And while you signed up to grow as a person in a relationship, you did not sign up to be abused. 

The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. The human brain is biased toward doubling down after investing too much emotionally, so any form of growth sought has to be real. It doesn't need to be on-brand 24/7, wrapped up in the shiny packaging of overanalyzing and embellishing.

Growth is meant to be intentionally lived and practiced, where you walk the walk and get up every time you slip. Mental health includes the tiny incremental changes you keep practicing in your daily life that pay compound interest—and when two parties intentionally practice mental health, that is when the relationship is healthy and sustainable.