Why Honesty In Relationships Is Non-Negotiable & 7 Rules To Follow
Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.
Honesty is one of those things we intuitively know is a good thing, but we can really stumble a lot in trying to actually put it into practice. But when it comes to our relationships, having open and honest communication is necessary to creating a healthy, sustainable partnership. Here’s why honesty in relationships is so important.
What do we mean by honesty in a relationship?
Honesty is the quality of always speaking the truth and being totally authentic, straightforward, and transparent in our words and actions. It involves a few key practices: never lying, never hiding the truth, and never purposefully omitting or misdirecting people from the truth.
Honesty in a relationship means always telling your partner the truth and being totally open with them, both for the big things and the little things. If you’re avoiding talking to your partner about something—such as things that are bothering you in the relationship, something you did that you know your partner will be upset about, or how you really feel about the things you talk about together—then you aren’t being honest. Being honest means being your true self around your partner, never hiding who you are, what you think, or how you feel.
Why honesty is so important in a relationship.
Honesty is the foundation for trust in a relationship, and trust is necessary for a relationship to function and thrive. When you’re always honest with someone, it tells them that they can trust you and the things you say. It helps them know they can believe your promises and commitments.
“Relationships are built on trust, so honesty is very important in a relationship,” relationship and well-being coach Shula Melamed, M.A., MPH, tells mbg. “We depend on our partner being our port in the storm, a person who we can trust with our thoughts, feelings, and heart.”
Being honest with your partner also facilitates healthy communication, which is also necessary for a functional relationship. Couples need to be able to talk to each openly and be real with each other; that’s what true connection is all about. That commitment to being honest also means that both people will be proactive about addressing any tension, conflicts, or issues in the relationship, bringing them up to their partner for discussion.
“Relationships flourish when partners trust each other to be honest and open to resolving conflict,” relationship counselor Margaret Paul, Ph.D., has told mbg. “On the other hand, relationships flounder when trust is broken.”
Is honesty always the best policy?
Yes, honesty is always necessary in a relationship 100% of the time.
“Each lie that your partner catches you in dilutes your bond, turning you from teammates to opponents in an invisible conflict where your word is never taken seriously,” Melamed explains. “That being said, no need to be brutal when delivering your opinion or answering questions honestly that you know might hurt.”
For example, if your partner just cooked you the worst meal you’ve ever had in your life and asks you what you think of the food, you should be honest—don’t say you love it when you don’t. But Melamed recommends avoiding unnecessarily hurtful statements (i.e. “you're a terrible cook”) and springing for kinder ways to convey the same sentiment: “Hmm. I so appreciate that you made dinner tonight. Does it taste a little bitter to you though?” Or, “It’s a little bitter tasting to me, so I think there’s some room for improvement. But you clearly put a lot of effort into this, and I so appreciate it when you make dinner.”
Secrets vs. privacy.
Sometimes couples can get a little wrapped up in trying to make sure they know absolutely everything about each other. For example, someone might insist on sharing an email address or knowing exactly where their partner is at all times, or they might feel entitled to tell their partner how hot they think various celebrities are, even if the comments hurt their partner’s feelings.
“Clearly, there are times when sharing too much could actually be hurting your independence and sense of self—or worse, hurting your partner,” marriage therapist Linda Carroll, LMFT, has told mbg. “It is essential to understand the difference between secrets and privacy. Think of it this way: Privacy is a boundary around one's own thoughts, ideas, and past experiences that don't directly involve one's partner. A secret is something that is misleading in some way and intentionally kept hidden from them for fear of judgment or reprisal.”
Partners don’t need to tell each other absolutely everything in order to be considered honest, but they do need to be transparent about information that’s going to directly affect each other’s well-being. A good rule of thumb is that if you’re actively avoiding telling your partner something because you’re worried about their reaction, you’re keeping a secret and intentionally being dishonest. And if your partner asks you something directly, you do need to tell the truth.
How to build more trust and honesty in a relationship.
1. Be consistent.
Do the things you say you’re going to do, and be someone your partner can rely on. Building trust happens through actions, not just words, says Melamed: “Show up when you say you will. Do the things you promise. Nothing erodes trust and builds resentment quite like empty or broken promises.”
2. Don’t commit to things you can’t do.
“People think they should say they can make it and show up for another person when they can't because they don't want to disappoint,” Melamed says. “Better to be honest now and disappoint a little in the moment than disappoint later and errode trust.”
3. Prioritize communication.
Make communicating with each other an open priority in your relationship. Have a conversation and agree that you’ll both be open with each other about how you’re feeling, what you need, what’s working, and what’s not. By establishing this precedent, you make honesty easier to practice for both of you.
4. Lead by example.
Is your partner closed off or isn’t always honest about how they feel? Getting a closed-off person to open up takes patience, not pushiness. A great way to help them feel comfortable being honest is to simply lead by example. Tell them how you’re feeling or what you’re up to, and allow them to follow your lead. When your partner sees that you’re always being real with them, they’ll feel like it’s safe for them to be real with you.
5. Avoid judging each other for the things you say.
If someone is honest with their partner about how they feel and then gets shut down or yelled at for what they say, they’re less likely to want to be honest in the future. So when someone is being honest and vulnerable, avoid judging them or punishing them for it. That means avoiding calling what they said “stupid” or immediately telling them why they’re wrong to feel the way they do. You want to create a space where people feel safe expressing themselves; this is what breeds honesty.
If someone expresses something that hurts you, tell them you appreciate their honesty and then discuss why you’re feeling hurt. Was there another way they could’ve told you that would’ve hurt less? Let them know. If someone said something that you really wish they hadn’t said, you can let them know that that’s information you would prefer not to hear from them. Just remember that your partner should be able to tell you difficult things; that’s part of being in a relationship.
6. Address the breaches.
“When trust has been broken in your relationship, both partners need to direct real therapeutic attention to the relationship to rebuild it,” Paul says. “The betrayal is an opportunity for each person to look within and heal their part of the relationship-system in order to understand why it resulted in broken trust.”
Healing broken trust takes time and real, dedicated work. You both need to be involved and collaborating on how to rebuild that trust. “Don't kid yourself into thinking that you can repair broken trust with a quick statement of forgiveness and a warm embrace,” Paul adds. “The underlying causes for betrayal need to be identified, examined, and worked on in order for betrayal not to resurface again.”
7. Give it time.
Trust takes time. It’s hard to just force yourself to trust someone when you truly aren’t there yet. Work on finding ways to feel safe and secure in your relationship. Committing again and again to being totally honest with each other will be an important first step.
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