5 Reasons Your Relationship Has Lost Its Spark + How To Get It Back

mbg Contributor By Kim Anami
mbg Contributor
Kim Anami is a holistic sex and relationships coach based in Los Angeles and Bali. Her work has been featured at CNN, NPR, Glamour, Elle, Cosmopolitan, Playboy, Marie Claire, The Huffington Post, and many other places.

There is a common misconception that in romantic relationships, we ride an initial biochemical high, but after that’s over, we return to the realm of “normal.” Read: monotonous.

The truth is, you can sustain tackling-you-over-the-furniture passion for a lifetime. Most people simply don’t have the skills or were never taught how that might be possible.

Here are five reasons why the chemistry has started to fizzle, and what you can do to get it back:

1. You aren’t being honest.

True intimacy is all about letting someone penetrate you. Emotionally. And you penetrate them right back.

If you hold things back from your partner and spare them your deepest truth by telling white lies — or outright lies, even with the best intentions — that dishonesty mars your connection.

Radical honesty is bold. You throw your cards on the table to honor who you are and ask for what you really want.

Ever notice how after a deep, raw, honest conversation with your partner, you can’t keep your hands off each other? Let your partner see you. All of you. Tell the truth, even if it scares you.

2. You don’t prioritize sex.

Sexual energy is an immense power source that you can tap into to boost your physical and emotional vitality, mental clarity and spiritual well-being. It is also the glue in intimate relationships.

When you grow sexually distant, you’ll find that your connection just doesn’t have the same warmth, spark or aliveness. You may be good buddies, but the passion isn’t there. You’ll likely find yourselves arguing more.

Your bedroom is your sanctuary to reconnect and rejuvenate. A loving sexual connection allows you to channel your powerful, creative, orgasmic energy as fuel for your business, friendships, health and of course, your connection with your partner.

Commit to working on your sex life the way you do any other area of your growth, such as nutrition, health or fitness. Schedule sex dates if they aren’t happening spontaneously.

3. You don’t have enough quality time apart.

Even though you're a couple, you still need time and space to pursue those things which feed you as an individual. If you aren’t being true to yourself, you are less attractive to your partner.

It can be easy to sacrifice your deeper needs for the sake of your relationship, but your soul food and the things that make your heart sing bring you deep fulfillment. When you are revitalized, you bring that juiciness back into your relationship.

It’s the careful balance of closeness and distance that creates erotic tension. Play with it.

4. You buy into the idea that after two years, it’s all downhill.

That misconception claiming there's a biochemical drop-off after two years (or whatever) in relationships, only reflects one thing: This is the time when people begin to put their attention elsewhere.

In the first two years, we put our new relationship at the top of our priority list. We nurture it. We make time for it.

Once that feels secured, we pay less attention. We drift. But you can maintain that passion and intensity simply by deciding to.

One couple I worked with said it best: “Sex comes first. We know it’s important, so it’s the first thing we do every day.” Since each had had relationships in which the chemistry died out over time, they have both committed to keeping their intimate life thriving.

So guess what? It is.

5. You’ve stopped growing.

People often say that they can’t imagine being married to the same person for the rest of their lives, but if you and your partner are constantly growing and learning, you are different people all the time. So you aren’t married to the same person for 30 years.

However, if you're committed to stagnation and no evolution in your life, then you’ll definitely be married to the same person.

You can recreate the thrill of the new all the time. As you both grow and unfold, learning new things about yourselves, you’re getting to know your partner on new levels too. This keeps you endlessly fascinated with the ever-evolving person in front of you.

The bottom line is that you get to design your relationship. It’s entirely possible to be with someone for decades and still have smoldering passion!

How do you want your relationship to look? What are you willing to do to get it there?

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