6 Problems With The Love Languages, From A Couples Therapist

Jeff and Leigh were going to try couples counseling one more time before they split; although they wanted their relationship to work, they could not stop the ongoing conflict and arguments.

As we opened our session, Jeff burst out with, "We have read The Five Love Languages 10 times. I know she likes words, and I give them to her even though it's hard for me—cards and conversations when I don't feel like it and even Post-it notes in her backpack. Still, it seems she constantly finds fault with me. Nothing is ever enough."

His partner Leigh, just a breath away from outrage, responded, "Yes, you do all of that. I work on practicing your love language for you; I'm always finding ways to touch you—holding your hand, rubbing your neck. But when I need to talk about something that is bothering me, you defend yourself before I can even get the words out."

Chapman's book was first published in 1995, and even 20 years after its initial publication, it remained in the top 20 books on Amazon and has been a New York Times bestseller for eight years. But fast-forward two decades, and it seems many people have lost sight of some of the original wisdom interlaced throughout this nuanced philosophy. This lack of attention to the details can oftentimes lead to an ineffective application of its teachings.

According to Chapman, the five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts. His book on the love language theory addresses one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship, which is the understanding that "my partner is not me." One of the great lessons love teaches us is the ability to really see our partner as "other" and find ways to understand and make room for someone who is not like us. Chapman encourages efforts to speak love in our partner's language, not ours, and to give not what we want but what our partner wants.

Jeff and Leigh used "all they do" for each other in their opening argument with me, which is a prime example of the competition couples can get into over "who does more." All the beauty that comes with learning to speak each other's love languages gets erased when we get competitive about it.

Chapman describes an inner love "tank" that we're always working to keep full, proposing that our "misbehavior, withdrawal, harsh words, and critical spirit occur because of that empty tank." This doesn't mean we need to wait around for our partner to make us feel good.

Learning to speak each other's love languages won't remedy toxic behaviors, nor will they remedy an issue once it's emerged. Although a lot of disagreements between couples can be linked back to miscommunication or a lack of communication, not all problems have to do with how much or how well we're talking to each other.

The No. 1 issue I see with couples is what I call "infinity loops." Leigh feared disconnection, so she interpreted Jeff's natural introversion and bookworm nature as a rejection of her. When she was triggered by him reading the newspaper when she wanted to talk, she went into her old pattern of criticism and tried to get his attention. "You always disappear," she would say, so he would protect himself by withdrawing, which made her feel more abandoned. Then she criticized more, and off they went in this loop.

Love languages are a style of communication, a way to go about the day-to-day with your partner in a loving way. They teach us how to talk to our partners in stressful situations—but they don't tell us what comes next.

For example, the most painful problem couples have is that they lose one another; at the heart of most fights or withdrawal is a small, sad feeling of losing one's best friend and a little voice wondering, "Where did you go?" This requires another skill to soften, repair, forgive, and find our way back to each other.

Understanding the love languages can teach us a lot about relationships, but they won't fix everything. While Chapman gives us one of the components of successful loving ("you are not me"), it is not the ultimate answer, nor the only factor, in this equation. Love languages are not the only element of a successful relationship.

Acts of kindness, seeing our partner as different, and listening to what they need and want are essential skills of making any relationship thrive. These skills are part of what sustains the relationship in the harder seasons. While Chapman's theory helps to explain how to best make a relationship thrive, they are just one part of what makes a successful relationship overall.