These 3 Issues Can End Relationships, But Here's How To Overcome Them

Every relationship has its nuances, and we should give up the notion that a "successful" partnership has a specific set of criteria. "It's very important that we not develop a norm of what we think is the relationship that is perfect [versus] the relationship that is beyond repair," says psychotherapist and world-renowned relationship expert Esther Perel on this episode of the mindbodygreen podcast. A glaring red flag for you might not be as big of a deal to another (except for abuse, which should be taken very seriously)—so let's remove the shame and comparison from the conversation upfront. 

You've likely heard it once or twice before: Healthy communication is nonnegotiable for a successful relationship. In fact, a lack of communication can sneakily ruin relationships over time. 

Of course, "communication issues" can mean different things for different couples: "There are a lot of reasons why we don't communicate well," says Perel. "One is that we are often more invested in what we need to say than in what we need to listen to and hear. We often talk without paying enough attention to how the other person is registering what we are saying." That said, take a minute to check in with your partner before striking up a conversation: What is the other person trying to tell you, perhaps with no words at all (facial expressions, body language, etc.)? 

Another layer to the issue is expectation, says Perel: "If I, in advance, feel that you fundamentally don't really value what I have to say, that is going to change all my communication," she notes. "The emotional undercurrent of expectations that we bring to the relationship is going to block communication." 

It's a common fallout for long-term relationships: We just grew apart. What does this actually mean, though? According to Perel, it's not that couples must have the same exact interests and passions—they simply must share in each other's excitement with genuine interest and curiosity. 

Another common question Perel hears all the time: How do you keep the spark alive in a long-term relationship? The answer isn't so clear-cut, but she declares that relationships require give and take—you need tasks that are familiar, cozy, and comfortable to solidify the foundation, but you also need adventures, healthy risks, and crossing thresholds to keep the eroticism alive. 

"Curiosity, novelty, playfulness—it's that whole other dimension of life that is not about management," says Perel. "Family life wants consistency and routine and predictability—and that's great for the kids—but the couple actually needs very different things... What makes for good parents is not the same as what maintains the spark."