Is sex an uplifting, rejuvenating, life-affirming, deeply pleasurable, transformative experience for you?
If it isn’t, you’re doing it wrong.
We live in a culture with a wildly bipolar relationship to sex. Sex is everywhere: in film, television, pop songs, advertising. Yet, we’re also told that we’re not allowed to have it and enjoy it.
It is understandable that most people have conflicting beliefs about sex.
Unless you take the time to examine what stands in the way of you and the ideal I described above, you won’t get there.
Everyone can have an intimate relationship with themselves and their partner that is soul-nourishing and infuses every part of their lives with powerful and revitalizing energy.
This is natural.
Avoiding sex, feeling like it’s a minor or inconsequential part of an intimate relationship, experiencing guilt and anxiety:
Sex is the glue in your relationship. Sex is your vital, life force energy. If it isn’t being channeled and enjoyed, chances are that you are living a lackluster life. I guarantee that you’ll have a lackluster marriage or relationship.
Here are five areas to look at in clearing your sexual blocks to open yourself up to your true, radiant and sensual nature:
1) Heal any past trauma. Sexual abuse, wounding and boundary violations all create an energy of defensiveness or body armor. Your true nature will be buried beneath the residue of this protection until you consciously address and heal what happened.
There are many forms of therapy, coaching, neural pathway re-wiring and energy work that can help. Seek them out.
2) Examine your belief systems. As I said earlier, we live in a culture where we receive mixed messages about sex. One of the biggest sources of sexual condemnation and judgment (with plenty of its own conflicting beliefs) is religion. If you have internalized any of these beliefs—and I think it’s difficult to grow up in this culture and not—you’ll be living them, even if it’s unconscious.
Ask yourself: How do I feel about sex? Where is this belief coming from? Is that what I truly believe, or have I been conditioned to believe that?
You get to choose and recreate your beliefs. As an exercise, create your own sexual manifesto composed of all the things you want to embody in your intimate relationship. Frame it and post it above your bed.
3) Go inside. You can’t go deep and fearless with another person unless you can go there in yourself. Meditation and yoga are two great tools to bring your attention inward to face the parts of yourself you may have been avoiding. Both practices offer a gentle way to reconnect with your inner being and live more from that place.
Spend time daily, whether it’s a formal, sit-down meditation, a walk-in-the-woods meditation or a masturbation-meditation (yes, some people use this form of self-love as a spiritual practice) to go inward.
If it’s yoga, commit to a daily routine—even if it’s four minutes as you get out of bed.
4) Yoga. To build on the last point, yoga is incredible in opening you up to your own energetic flow. I love how it stretches open the hips and heart—your tools of the intimacy trade—expanding their capacity for love and pleasure.
Yoga will hunt down your blocks and tight areas (I believe all stored tension has an emotional or psychological component to it) and release it. With a regular practice, you keep your system efficiently processing and integrating experiences. You tap into your own natural rhythm of being. Being sexually free and open is part of the natural rhythm of your being.
5) Cultivate a practice of letting go. The best sex is a sanctuary in which two people let down their guards to be completely naked with each other. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is hotter, sexier and more f**able than being totally, authentically present with someone.
“Letting go” encompasses many things: being able to emotionally express yourself, forgiving people, dealing well with stress in an easygoing way, releasing self-doubt and playing small. The list goes on.
The more you embody letting go in all aspects of your life, it carries over into the sexual realm. This, perhaps more than any other factor, is what takes sex from the junk food to the gourmet, the merely physical to the transcendental.
How much you can peel back your layers and show up as the raw, unobstructed, no-hiding version of you, determines how much you enjoy sex.
It’s that simple.
That’s what makes it one of the most powerful methods I know for self-actualization.
Sex isn’t some incidental part of your life or relationship: it’s a massive tool you can use to transform every part of you and unfold into the person you were meant to be.