Sleep, Sex, & Sharing The Sheets — What This Sleep Scientist Wants You To Know

When was the last time you felt truly rested? In our fast-paced world, sleep often gets pushed aside in favor of productivity and late-night screen time. 

According to Wendy Troxel, Ph.D., one of the leading voices in behavioral sleep medicine, that habit is costing us more than just energy. It's impacting our relationships, our hormones, our long-term health—and yes, even our sex lives.

Troxel is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified behavioral sleep medicine specialist, and Senior Behavioral Scientist at the RAND Corporation. She’s spent more than 15 years studying how sleep affects everything from intimacy and cognitive function to adolescent development and public policy. 

When asked how she defines healthspan, Troxel doesn’t hesitate. It’s about living a “full and rich life,” she says—physically, mentally, and emotionally. And sleep is the common thread tying it all together.

Sleep influences nearly every system in the body. It protects the brain, supports emotional regulation, sharpens memory, and keeps inflammation in check. It also helps us stay connected to others. “When we think about healthy aging,” Troxel says, “our social relationships are critical, and sleep plays a role there, too.”

Troxel sheds light on a nuanced perspective when it comes to couples sharing a bed. While the idea of sleeping together sounds romantic, the reality is that many couples face challenges—whether it’s snoring, conflicting sleep schedules, temperature disagreements, or one partner monopolizing the sheets. These disruptions can affect sleep quality and, over time, strain the relationship.

Instead of focusing on whether couples should sleep together or apart, Troxel encourages a shift in the conversation. “It’s not about whether there’s one ‘right’ way to sleep,” she explains, “but how sleep supports the quality of our relationship.” 

Troxel's research highlights the importance of sleep for intimacy. For women, more sleep is linked to increased sexual desire, and for men, sleep deprivation can significantly reduce testosterone levels, affecting sexual health. 

“Sleep is foundational to intimacy,” she asserts. Addressing sleep challenges can not only improve rest but also enhance the emotional and physical connection between partners.

Instead of viewing sleep as a potential point of conflict, couples should see it as an opportunity to strengthen their relationship by working together to ensure that both partners are well-rested and supported. 

If there’s one time sleep becomes particularly fragile, it’s during menopause. Troxel notes that around 60% of women going through perimenopause or menopause report sleep disturbances, often due to hormonal shifts, mood changes, and thermoregulation issues. 

She suggests getting creative and keeping the “menu of options” open. That might mean trying hormone replacement therapy, using a cooling mattress, or simply being honest with your partner about what’s happening. “Sometimes just naming the experience helps couples navigate it better,” she says. She also recommends layering bedding that can be easily tossed off during the night, and keeping the room temperature cool, between 65 and 68 degrees Fahrenheit.

If you find yourself staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night, don’t just lie there. And definitely don’t check the clock. Troxel’s rule: after 20–30 minutes of wakefulness, get out of bed and go do something low-stimulation but engaging, like reading, folding laundry, or even coloring—until you feel drowsy again.

“The goal is to get your brain off the fact that you’re not sleeping,” she says. “You want to break the cycle of anxiety and frustration that builds in the bed.”

If you’ve ever obsessed over your Oura Ring score, you’re not alone. But Troxel cautions that while sleep trackers can offer helpful trends, they’re not diagnostic tools—and certainly not something to interpret night by night.

Where trackers shine is in helping you correlate behaviors (like drinking alcohol, using screens, or working out late) with changes in your sleep patterns. But one number she does take seriously? Heart rate variability, or HRV.

Sleep has finally earned a place in mainstream health conversations, but Troxel believes there’s still work to be done, especially at the systemic level. From school policies to workplace schedules, we need to design environments that support healthy sleep rather than sabotage it.