The 5 Telltale Signs That You're With The Right Partner, From A Relationship Expert

Co-Founder of Inner Bonding By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Co-Founder of Inner Bonding
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., is a best-selling author, relationship expert, and Inner Bonding® facilitator.
The 5 Telltale Signs You're With The Right Partner, From A Psychologist

"How do I know if my partner is the one?"

As a facilitator who supports people with their relationships, people ask me this question all the time.

The truth is, it's likely that there is not just one person on the whole planet who can be an appropriate partner for you. So for starters, a better question is: How do I know if my partner is right for me?

Here are a few things I recommend looking out for to help people know if they're with the right partner. The first on this list is by far the most important:

1. Openness to learning

There are a number of qualities that are important for a relationship to flourish, but there is one quality that is essential for both of you: being open to learning about love and truth, which includes being open to growing with yourself and with your partner.

Conflict is a part of all relationships, and conflict offers us a wonderful opportunity to learn and grow—but only if we are open to learning with ourselves and with each other. If one or both of you are not open to learning, then you will comply, fight, resist, or withdraw—all leading to distance and lack of resolution of conflicts.

So the first thing you need to ask yourself is, "Am I open to learning and growing in my ability to love, and is my partner open to learning and growing in their ability to love?" If one or both of you are not, then there is little chance of creating a loving relationship.

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2. Resonance

We all have a beautiful soul essence, our true self, that is a spark of the divine. But we don't resonate with everyone's true self. Since all relationships present challenges to love, it's vitally important that you deeply resonate with and deeply love the essence of your partner.

All of us have an ego wounded self that wants to control rather than learn, and no one likes anyone else's wounded ego. Our wounded ego isn't who we really are but can take over when fear of rejection or fear of engulfment is triggered. It's our deep love and resonance with each other's soul that keeps love alive even when we are triggered into the unloving, controlling behavior of our wounded self.

3. Attraction

If, within the first six months of the relationship, you are not sexually attracted to your partner, or your partner is not sexually attracted to you, then you either need to accept a relationship that isn't sexually fulfilling—or move on.

If you were not attracted to your partner near the beginning of the relationship, it's unlikely that this attraction will develop. Attraction is a mysterious thing, and most of the time it's either there or it isn't. No matter how compatible you seem to be with your partner, if attraction isn't there, it likely isn't going to develop.

4. Common values

Do you have the same values regarding issues such as politics, abortion, religion or spirituality, whether or not to have children, child-raising, monogamy, future plans, spending or saving money, being late or being on time, being neat or messy, city living or rural living? Being on the same page with these issues is very helpful—and will help you avoid trying to change or control each other, which undermines the intimacy in relationships.

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5. A level of independence

People often wonder if shared interests are necessary for a relationship to work. While it's lovely when there are shared interests, this isn't essential for creating a loving relationship. When people are open to learning, they often learn to enjoy each other's interests.

However, in loving relationships, it's important for each person to not be dependent on the other in terms of what you like to do and to have friends to share interests with. Loving partners don't generally need to spend all their time together, and they get some of their needs met with others, such as one partner being part of a meditation group that the other isn't interested in or one partner having a tennis partner when the other isn't interested in playing tennis or isn't at the same level as their partner.

The bottom line.

All five of these qualities are important for knowing whether you're with the right person. It's also important to learn to trust your inner knowing. If you are honest with yourself, you can know whether you have the resonance, attraction, values, and openness with your partner that you need to create a loving and committed relationship.

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