When Life Makes Other Plans, Science Can Help You Adapt
Most of us move through life with a quiet assumption that we’re steering the ship. We make plans, set goals, and build identities around who we think we are and where we’re headed. Then something unexpected happens, and suddenly the map doesn’t apply anymore.
That moment, says cognitive scientist Maya Shankar, Ph.D., is where things get interesting.
On the mindbodygreen podcast, Shankar, creator and host of the award-winning show A Slight Change of Plans and former Senior Advisor in the Obama White House, explains why major life disruptions don’t just derail us, they reveal us.
Drawing from cognitive psychology, neuroscience, and deeply human stories, her work explores how people adapt when life takes an unplanned turn, and how we can build resilience before we’re forced to.
At the heart of her research is a simple but powerful idea. Change feels like loss, but it can also become a portal to self-understanding and growth.
Why big life changes feel so destabilizing
One of the most compelling stories in Shankar’s book, The Other Side of Change, centers on Olivia, a college student who experienced a severe brainstem stroke that left her with locked-in syndrome. Her consciousness and inner life remained intact, but she could only communicate by blinking.
For many, this would represent a personal apocalypse. And, as Shankar explains, linguistically, that framing makes sense. The word apocalypse comes from the Greek apokálypsis, meaning revelation. Shankar points out that while change can feel like an ending, it often exposes truths about ourselves that were previously hidden.
Before her stroke, Olivia was a chronic people-pleaser, deeply invested in managing others’ perceptions of her. Afterward, that option disappeared. She could no longer curate a version of herself designed to win approval. What emerged instead was a forced confrontation with her most raw, unfiltered self.
Over time, as caregivers came to love her for who she truly was, Olivia experienced a kind of self-acceptance she’d never known before. Even without a full physical recovery, she became more grounded and self-assured than she had been pre-injury. The change didn’t just alter her circumstances; it reshaped her inner world.
The illusion of control (and why we need it)
Shankar explains that humans are wired to overestimate how much control we have over outcomes. Psychologists call this the illusion of control, and while it’s technically inaccurate, it’s also protective. Believing we have agency gives life meaning and motivates effort.
The problem arises when something unexpected shatters that illusion. Research shows1 that people often feel more stressed by uncertainty than by known negative outcomes. In one classic study, participants were more anxious when told they had a 50% chance of receiving an electric shock than when told it was guaranteed.
Ambiguity is harder for the brain than bad news.
Rather than telling people to surrender all desire for control, Shankar takes a more practical stance. Her goal is to help people reclaim what control remains through cognitive reframing, thought experiments, and evidence-based tools that restore a sense of agency during chaos.
The “end of history” illusion & why you’re more adaptable than you think
One of the most reassuring ideas Shankar shares is the concept of the end of history illusion. Most of us readily acknowledge how much we’ve changed in the past, but assume we’re done evolving now. The current version of ourselves feels final.
It’s not.
Research shows that while some personality traits remain relatively stable, our belief systems, values, and coping skills are highly malleable. Big life changes often accelerate internal growth in ways we can’t yet imagine.
This matters because when we’re at the beginning of a difficult transition, we tend to underestimate our future capacity to handle it. The person who will ultimately navigate the full arc of the change will not be the same person standing at its starting line.
How to build a more resilient identity
One of Shankar’s most actionable reframes involves how we define ourselves. She encourages people to anchor identity not to roles or labels, but to underlying motivations.
After a childhood hand injury ended her dream of becoming a professional violinist, Shankar realized she hadn’t just lost an activity; she’d lost an identity. Over time, she learned to ask a different question: Why did this matter to me?
The answer wasn’t the violin itself. It was the emotional connection. Once she re-centered her identity around that “why,” she could express it through other paths, including storytelling, interviewing, and studying human psychology.
The same exercise applies broadly. Whether the role is parenthood, a career, or a long-held dream, clarifying the deeper need beneath it can create a softer landing when circumstances change.
Practical tools that help during upheaval
Shankar emphasizes that certain psychological responses, like denial, can actually be helpful in the short term. Grief researchers describe denial as a natural buffering mechanism that gives us only what we can handle at a given moment.
Long-term, though, we need tools to integrate reality without collapsing under it. One evidence-based strategy is a self-affirmation exercise, writing down the parts of your identity that remain intact and meaningful despite the change. This widens perspective and reduces rumination, making it easier to process what’s happening.
She also highlights the power of moral elevation, the emotional response we feel when witnessing others’ courage, kindness, or resilience. Research shows this feeling doesn’t just inspire; it expands our sense of what’s possible for ourselves, opening up new “possible selves” during moments when the future feels constricted.
The takeaway
Change doesn’t just disrupt our plans; it exposes the assumptions we’ve been living under about who we are, what we control, and what gives our lives meaning. While we can’t prevent upheaval, we can prepare our minds to meet it with more flexibility, self-compassion, and curiosity.
As Shankar’s work makes clear, resilience isn’t about forcing optimism or finding meaning in every hardship. It’s about building an identity and belief system sturdy enough to bend without breaking. When life makes other plans, that inner adaptability may be the most valuable skill we can cultivate.