5 Tips For Checking In With Loved Ones Struggling With Their Mental Health

If you've considered reaching out to a friend or loved one who's going through a difficult time but decided against it because you just couldn't figure out what to say, you're definitely not alone. 

If you struggle to find time to physically be with the person who's struggling, then start with a phone call. "A phone call will provide more cues into someone's mental state than a text," says life coach and clinical counseling expert Sonja Stribling, Ph.D.

You'll be able to get a "raw" response, as Stribling describes it, given that it's more difficult to hide emotions when speaking, compared to texting.

If they don't answer, follow up the call with a text message. "However, don't text a phrase like 'checking in on you' as they may be less inclined to respond," Stribling notes. 

This could be because there's not much to respond to, or they fear that responding will spark a Q&A they're not ready for. 

When speaking to someone who's struggling with their mental health, the natural first question is, "How are you?" but that probably won't trigger a genuine, thought-out explanation. Instead, most people will say "good" to avoid diving into the nuances of their mood. 

No matter what method of conversation you opt for, make sure you clearly communicate your eagerness to help your friend or family member, and don't make it seem like a chore. 

"In my work as a therapist, I find that more often than not many people don't want to burden others around them, even if they're struggling or in deep need," says therapist and co-founder of Viva Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC.

So, avoid language that suggests it is a burden to help your friend or loved one.

Many people have been in the following situation: You begin opening up about your struggles to a friend or family member, just for them to turn it into a conversation about the one time they struggled with something similar. The goal is generally to help you feel less alone, but it doesn't always come off as sincere.

While providing support from your own experience is great, it's best to give your friend or loved one the chance to share their feelings before bringing up your own—this will remind them that you're here to listen.

It's not always about finding the right words, Caraballo says, but more about communicating a "spirit of care and concern" than anything else—and keeping your attention on them rather than yourself will help you do so. 

If someone close to you is dealing with any mental health struggles, the loss of a loved one, a difficult life transition, and so on, general well-wishes probably aren't going to do all that much.

"Avoid surface-level, blanket responses such as 'I'm praying for you' or 'I'm keeping you in my thoughts,'" Stribling says. Of course these statements are better than nothing but probably not the most effective way to really connect with someone.

Instead, ask things like, "How can I support you through this?" or simply offer your time to listen.

"I get the sense that things haven't been going well lately, and I want you to know I'm here for you. I'd like to listen if you want to talk. And if not, I'm otherwise glad just to spend some time with you. Would it be OK if I came over later?" 

"I imagine the past few days have been rough. I'm here for you if you want to talk or need anything else. Maybe we could go see that movie (insert another activity they'd generally like) together this weekend?" 

Reaching out to friends and family who are struggling with their mental health can be difficult, but it's always better to try than to give up. Focus on making your message sincere, avoid yes or no questions and blanket statements, don't make it about yourself, and always reiterate that you're happy to help.