How To Give Yourself A Quick "Relationship Checkup," From An MD

With Valentine's Day on the horizon, there is no better time to check in with yourself and your partner to assess if your relationship and sex life are healthy and where there is room for improvement. Chances are, with the chaos of the past year, your relationship and your own physical needs have been pushed to the back burner—and now it's time to reignite the flame.

No matter how long you and your partner have been together, or how old you are, you can have your best and sexiest year yet ahead of you. I can tell you this with confidence based on my research, patient stories, and personal experience: Sex and relationships can get better over time, even at 40, 50, 60, and beyond. It just takes a little introspection and effort.

Before you can assess your partner or relationship, take an honest look at yourself. (I know, it's not always our favorite thing to do.)

How are you doing emotionally, spiritually, and physically?

What I've found through my research, which I conducted specifically with women in midlife, is that in order to have a fulfilling relationship, you have to come from a place of wholeness so that you can be fully present for your partner. You can't be fully present if you're harboring unspoken feelings or resentments, which tend to build up over the years and could have escalated over the past year from stresses related to the pandemic.

So often, whether out of pride or lack of motivation, we wait on our partner to initiate change—and it's crucial that we shift this mindset. We are all responsible for our own pleasure, sexual and otherwise, and we cannot put the blame or onus on our partner for the relationship being less than ideal. If you've been waiting for your partner to make the first move, I encourage you to step up to the plate and initiate.

We tend to measure a relationship's health by our sex life—frequency, passion, etc.—when simply connecting with our partner is the root of intimacy and a healthy relationship.

If you're feeling less than jazzed about the current state of your sex life, spend this time of reflection as an opportunity to try something outside of your comfort zone.

Couples often benefit from having a structured or dedicated space for nurturing their relationship, such as attending couples' workshops, classes, or sessions with a relationship therapist.

No matter what your personal experience has been over the past year, you have been affected in some way—every single person has been. The adjustments, sacrifices, and stress of dealing with so much uncertainty have absolutely affected our relationships as well, whether or not we can clearly see the direct connection.