Why Dating Unavailable People Can Mess With Your Mind, From A Psychotherapist

There are plenty of signs to watch out for if you're worried the person you've been seeing is emotionally unavailable: They don't communicate, they don't want to label your relationship, everything seems to be on their terms, and so on.

What often happens when dating unavailable people, according to Page, is that the person's unavailability or lack of desire to commit to us is front and center in our mind. "It triggers earlier rejections," he explains. "Even worse, it triggers feelings of our own unworthiness."

This causes an issue in which we place too much importance on how that person feels about us, treats us, and loves us. Or, as Page puts it, it sparks a "fierce desire to get the other person to love and accept us—and that's kind of the path to pain."

First and foremost, we have to start noticing the stories we tell ourselves that keep us from healthy love—"the story we tell ourselves about what's lacking in us or what's lacking in others [that we believe is making it so] we can't be loved the way we want to be loved," Page says. In reality, there's nothing lacking in you that's "causing" the person to be unavailable. Know that you're worthy and enough, just as you are.

As Margaret Paul, Ph.D., explains on the mbg podcast, many times we actually attract these kinds of relationships into our lives. "So often, we attract people who are treating us the way we're treating ourselves. And that's the 'wrong people.' So, if people are rejecting themselves with their various forms of self-abandonment, judging themselves, and not listening to themselves," she says, "they're going to attract people who also treat them that way."

Recognizing those patterns, working to overcome them, and focusing on strengthening your own sense of self-worth is key, along with knowing what you deserve and knowing when to walk away.

Unavailable people are going to show up in your life—maybe just once or maybe repeatedly. But it's up to you if you want to let them stick around. Ask yourself what you're willing to stand for in relationships.