A Relationship Expert On Finding True Love & Why You Attract The Wrong People
In the whirlwind of red roses and candy hearts that is Valentine's Day, suffice it to say we've got love on the brain here at mbg. Finding "the one" has become a sort of ideal when it comes to relationships: We're optimistic that soul mates exist, but we acknowledge that they're rather rare and difficult to find.
That's why I was excited to speak with relationship expert Margaret Paul, Ph.D., on this episode of the mindbodygreen podcast. As a bestselling author with a Ph.D. in psychology, Paul seems to have relationships down to a science: She knows just what it takes to make a relationship last, as well as what really happens when a couple just "loses their magic."
"The highest experience in life is the sharing of love," she tells me on this week's episode. While most of us would agree, true love can be difficult to find, especially if you feel that you've been attracting emotionally unavailable partners.
No need to fret—here, the secret to finding true love. (Hint: You may want to start holding yourself accountable.)
It all starts from within.
It may sound obvious, but Paul explains that before you can find true love, you have to work on yourself. And we're not just talking self-care (although she mentions a good yoga and spa session does wonders, too). According to Paul, self-love takes work; you have to bond with your inner self before you can expect to truly bond with another.
"There's a big difference between trying to get love and actually sharing love. We can't share love if we don't have love to share," she tells me.
What she means is love is sort of like a transaction. If you don't have any love within yourself to share, you likely won't get true, intimate love in return.
Imagine your inner self as a small child: "You would not be going around the neighborhood trying to find somebody else to take care of your child, right?" Paul says. When we're not taking care of our own feelings, we're essentially asking someone else to "take care" of that small child. Even if someone else does offer to care for your child, the child will still feel rejected by you. "And that's what happens on the inner level," Paul adds.
Basically, if you don't love yourself, no one else can fill that void—no matter how great they may be.
That's why you may attract the "wrong people."
According to Paul, you attract what you reflect. That said, if you're one of those people who feels you're always "attracting the wrong person," it may be time to look inward and see if you're truly loving yourself and ready for intimacy.
Paul explains further: "If people were really available, they wouldn't be attracted to unavailable people. They'd be attracted to available people. If you're unavailable, you've got to do your inner work to become available.”
Think of it this way: You truly get what you put out into the world. If you exude confidence and self-love, chances are you'll attract a partner who also sees your inner self and treats you like the valuable person you are.
"So often, we attract people who are treating us the way we're treating ourselves," she continues. "And that's the 'wrong people.' So if people are rejecting themselves with their various forms of self-abandonment, judging themselves, and not listening to themselves—they're going to attract people who also treat them that way."
While it may sound like a simple notion, it's rather empowering—we truly do have the agency to attract the right people into our lives; all it takes is a little look inward.
What does that inner work look like?
We admit, it's easier said than done. But Paul has a few initial steps you can take when you want to focus on working on yourself: "Inner bonding," she calls it.
"The first thing that I recommend is to learn to be present in your body, with your heart, and with your soul. Learn to be aware of the feelings that you're having rather than doing all of these self-abandoning things to avoid them. Once you're aware of what you're feeling, make a decision to take responsibility for those feelings rather than blaming somebody else or ignoring them in some way. That's the beginning step to really be present within yourself," she explains.
Loving yourself, according to Paul, means you should take responsibility for your feelings rather than blaming other people for them. If you remember one tip from Paul, let it be this: When you have the power to love yourself, only then will you attract someone who can truly do the same.
The rest, as one would say, is history.
Jason Wachob is the Founder and Co-CEO of mindbodygreen and the author of Wellth. He has been featured in the New York Times, Entrepreneur, Fast Company, and Vogue, and has a B.A. in history from Columbia University, where he played varsity basketball for four years.