What Does It Really Mean To Have Commitment Issues? Advice From A Therapist

You may be the one with commitment issues, or you may be in a relationship where your partner may be experiencing them. Either way, it's important to understand what commitment issues really mean and how to navigate them when they're affecting you.

Commitment is a state or quality of being dedicated to a person, cause, or activity. In the context of the typical monogamous relationship, commitment usually means you are willing to go through the phases of a relationship together. There is a sense of progression. But a person with commitment issues struggles with this sense of dedication and taking the next steps.

While commitment issues can be complex, here are a few signs to help you recognize them within yourself or others:

Importantly, there are many people who just do not want the relationship structure that society pushes onto us, such as being in a long-term relationship, monogamy, marriage, and kids. It is not because they have commitment issues, but it is simply because they choose to live their life on their own terms. (Here are some reasons some people don't want to get married that have nothing to do with commitment issues.)

Here are some possible causes of commitment issues:

If a person has experienced this in the past, they may be more cautious moving forward in relationships because they may be fearful it'll happen again, with some leaving them without notice.

A person might worry the person they're with is ultimately not "the one." Many people also enter or stay in relationships for reasons like money, children, sex, or convenience, so they don't commit at a higher level because they know this is not someone they want to be with or stay with long term.

Relationships end for many reasons. However, the unknown or the fear of something bad happening can push an individual away from commitment. This may be especially true for people who've been in unhealthy relationships in the past, characterized by abandonment, infidelity, abuse, or other hurtful dynamics.

When someone close to you breaks your trust, it can prevent some people from ever trusting anyone else again, including their partner. They may project the last scenario onto their new partner.

Unresolved trauma and abuse can rear its ugly little head at any time. It is like an open wound. Therefore, being with someone else can be a constant trigger and reopening of the wound, even when you desperately want to heal.

Our primary caregivers are supposed to be the ones who met our needs and helped us navigate this world as successfully as possible. But many do not get the love, protection, safety, and care that they need as children, and they grow up projecting those unmet needs in romantic relationships.

Family can be tough, and what we learn from our families sticks with us. Things you no longer value or do not want to uphold can take a long time (if ever) to unlearn, and commitment issues can be one way those dynamics show up in romantic relationships.

If you wish to improve in this area, you should consider the following:

Being honest with yourself, your partner, or even someone in your support system is the first step toward improvement. You cannot heal what you are unwilling to acknowledge. Talking to a professional and working through some of your experiences can be helpful.

Your attachment style, which stems from your childhood, could be a major eye-opener to the commitment issues. An attachment style is simply how you relate to others in relationships, whether you're anxious, avoidant, or secure. Learning your attachment style is vital because it typically gives you a blueprint of why you behave the way you do in romantic and nonromantic relationships. If you have an avoidant attachment style, then it makes sense that commitment would be an issue for you in general, and learning how to have a secure attachment style might be a starting place for you to heal your commitment issues.

If you are already in a relationship and are struggling to commit at a higher level or to a next step such as moving in together or marriage, then speaking to a professional with your partner could help you understand what's holding you back and how to get over the barrier if it's right for you. Here's our full guide to couples therapy for more info.

Then, practice commitment in those other areas of your life! Learn to be more emotionally available by expressing your thoughts and feelings and working through difficult emotions within yourself and others. Keep your word when it comes to the commitments you make with family and friends. Follow through in a timely manner on your assignments at work. And don't forget to make future plans with your partner and other loved ones!

Long-term or monogamous relationships are not for everyone, and that's OK. Take some time to understand what you're really looking for in relationships. Here is mbg’s guide to ethical nonmonogamy, in case you're curious about what else is out there.

If there isn't any progress and you do not appear to be on the same page about the relationship's future, then this may be a relationship you need to end before one or more parties get deeply hurt.